Two Idiots and The Akatsuki
by Miss Masquerade
Summary: On Haitus. Okay, intelligent boys and girls. Who knows what happens when you place two best friends both influenced by the overdose of insanity, awesomeness, sugar and humour into the hands of the Akatsuki?
1. Enter The Idiots!

**Enter The Idiots!**

"With this ridiculously long bread stick thingy-o that I have wielded upon thy hand, I shall smite you, evil demon!"

"And with…bread sticks' evil twin brother in _my_ hand, I shall smite thee, thy…bitch!"

"Oi! Language!"

"Yeah, it's English, so what?"

"No swearing!"

"It was not swearing!"

"You called me a 'bitch'!"

"Ha! Look who's swearing now!"

"I didn't swear!"

"Yes, you did"

"Nah, you swore"

"No, not never!"

"Yes! You said 'something, something and smite thee' and then you called me a 'bitch'!"

"Naah! I said 'something, something' and then 'I have a bad itch'!"

"Oh."

"Yeah, exactly!"

"Sorry then"

"It's okay, I forgive you"

…

"Hey!" I yelled, "You liar, you stole that line from TV!"

"South Park, actually" my ears heard her mumble.

"Oi, meanie, you were lying!"

"Well, technically not, depending on which perspective you see fit. You are a 'bitch'. You are a female born on the year of the Dog. Be proud!"

"I am proud and I'll say it out loud. But you're not allowed to call me 'bitch' because only _overly_-awesome best friends can call me that, and you're only the awesome best friend, below _overly_"

I saw her fake a heart attack as she crossed her chest with her fingers, weeping 'heartbroken'.

Then, with every ounce of tease, I stuck my tongue out at her and sneaked away from the bakery store, taking the stale bread with me. Hey, it was an over-due piece of crap anyway with a bit of green, blue and black mould growing on its side. I'm sure Henry won't cry over a missing French roll.

"Hey, give that back!!"

'_Spoke too soon'. _

"BANANA!" I heard my evil friend yell, taking off at record speed with my self and Mr. Bread Brick hot in pursuit, my voice screaming in reply "SPLIT!"

We ran through the stores of the shopping centre, dodging everyone who got in our way, leaving behind a trail of pushed over people, squished fruit and evil glares, which just made me cackle diabolically.

Oh yeah. Ahem. My name's Gabrielle. Sixteen and still growing! But honestly, I'll murder anyone who calls me that. So everyone calls me Elle. Like the letter 'L', just with some additions. Yeah, my mum called me that after some angel or whatever. Ha, some 'blessing' I turned out to be. Crazy, insane and pushing people out my way with an over-due piece of cooked flour. But seriously, my name so doesn't suit me. And before I forget; running by my side is my best friend, sixteen as well and partner in crime, Quia. Yeah, I know. The name looks so retarded, just like her. But it's pronounced like the car brand 'Kia'. It just has a 'Q' and the 'U' instead of the 'K'.

Oh yeah, and did I tell you in the physical department we look nothing alike? Serious! She is the skinny, bony, snowy wonder dressed in black, while I'm the chocolate truffle with a fair amount of meat on my bones. And our life styles are complete opposites. Our only similarities are our insane attitudes! It's like I'm Ying, and she's my Yang, or is it the other way around? …Hang on. Those two are meant to be reverse. We're meant to be _somewhat_ alike. I meant. Uhm…She's chips and I'm gravy. We love like Bobby loves Whitney. Ebony and Ivory. Oh yeah, that's it! Ebony and Ivory. Because she's like ivory and I'm like the colour ebony, but not as dark. Maybe like Mocha Latte. OKAY!! Putting the racial card away now. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to bring it up. Don't hurt me. I'm innocent…sometimes.

"Get back here!" a voice shouted.

"Dammit, Dave's gaining on us!"

"No shit, Sherlock! When'd ya figure that out!?"

"I'm not Sherlock!"

"Hey, you know what? For once you're right!"

"I am?"

"Yeah! Sherlock's cuter!"

I raised my fist and punched her arm, "Take that back!" still running at the same time.

"No!"

"Take it back!"

Quia returned the hit, leaving a bruise, the evil woman abusing her Taek-Won-Do skills, "Make me!"

My knuckles met her arm again, "I don't make trash"

"It takes one to know one, _bitch_!"

…

Those words just totally back fired on her, resulting in me just releasing a hysterical laugh. Stupid Quia, she just totally forgot about her vocabulary!

"Stop laughing already"

"I can't! It's. Too. Funny!" I replied, taking dramatic inhales for every word. Really hard too, trying to laugh, breathe and trying not to get caught by security all at the same time.

"It wasn't that hilarious" she mumbled.

"Actually…it was!"

"…Ergh, karma's a bitch"

"Well, be happy she's not a slut, or we'd all be in trouble"

"Hey! Colourful language, young lady!"

"Oh why, thank you. After all, I learnt from the best" I smirked, reaching out my palm for a handshake which was taken.

It took us a while, but after a few minutes, we realised that we had stopped running, Dave still sprinting frantically after us.

"Eep!" Quia and I squeaked in unison, making a turn for the escalators. But when we were on floor two, heading for Level One, Mr. Idiotic Security Man had broken his brakes, completely crashing into both of us, our bodies falling over the ledge we were upon, with a not so very good-looking fountain waiting for our plummet.

'_WAIT!! I'm too young to die!!!' _


	2. Duck Butt's Brother and Shark Bait

**Duck Butt's Brother and Shark Bait**

_Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump. Ba-thump._

Heart beat. Check. Breathing. Check. Those combined equalling life. Triple Check. I was still alive, right? But, what the hell is that? Something was smacking my face, and it was seriously irritating too. So as I opened my eyes, I saw Quia holding me upwards, slapping the crap out of me.

"Mama, wake up already" I heard her say.

"Papa, stop hitting me _already_, before I back-hand you all the way to oblivion!" my voice groaned.

"Not before I kick you to Timbuktu" she snickered.

"Not before I 'karate-chop' your ass"

"Not before I bitch-slap you all the way to Africa!"

"OH, YOU DID NOT JUST GO THERE!"

"Oh yes I did!!"

"Oh, no you did not!" I breathed, teasingly but somewhat defensively.

"Oh, yes I did, what cha gonna do about it?" she snapped back in a taunting tone.

I quickly got to my feet and at the same time so did she, my voice yelling "What! You wanna _go_ me, Homie?" as I strutted into her personal bubble releasing an evil aura, Tiger against Dragon. And I swore I could hear rumbling. "I'll whoop your ass with my bread stick!"

"I'll eat your bread stick, then!"

"But…" I stuttered, glancing at the firm, rotting thing "you'll get sick and…die!"

"Oh. Uhm…then I'll…"

"You'll what?"

"I'll. Do something really evil to you once I figure out what that is!"

…

"I'll aquiver with fear" I sarcastically commented.

"Yeah, be afraid. Be _very_ afraid"

"Ooh, I'm so scared"

"Yeah, I knew you would. But because I'm so utterly awesome, I will spare your puny, insignificant life"

"Oh joy"

"Anyway, have you noticed anything different?"

"Hm? With what?"

"With the fact that the mall just disappeared and we're now in a forest"

My eyes left hers as I stared everywhere. At the pretty lake and the huge tress and the really blue sky. "Hm, no, I don't see anything particularly different"

"Oh. Okay then. Wanna walk?"

"Nah, I'm hungry"

"You're always hungry!"

"And you're always anorexic!"

"I'm not anorexic."

…"Ahem, if you haven't noticed, honey. You're all bone! Serious, I mean, I remember one time when you crashed your hip into mine and made me practically scream! I never felt more like an old lady in my entire life on that day. You had me clutching my hip, looking like I was trying to locate the stupid _dis_located thing!"

"NAH! You're just weak!"

"You wanna take this outside?"

"We are outside!"

"Uhm…That's what the Matrix wants you to think!"

"Ooh! Neo!! He's one hunk of man!"

"Yeah, I know"

'_Hey, is that drool going down my- Oh, yep, it is' _

"But the ending was sooo utterly corny!"

"Yeah, but is it cornier than the last episode of Inuyasha?"

"Uhmm…nah! The two love birds just hugged and Dog-Boy was like 'I don't know what I'd do without you, Kagome', and all that"

"…Lucky." _'But they didn't exactly hug…'_

"Yeah, I know!"

"Well, at least Sesshoumaru is available!"  
"Ergh, you can have him"

"Fine, I will!"

"Too bad though, you have competition! Kagura and Rin are out to have him"

"Meh, I don't hurt kids but Kagura can just go fly away like Merry Poppins"

"Super-cala-fraga-listic-espiala-docous!"

"Super…cala…whuh?"

"I'm not playing this game."  
"Aww" I whimpered, "anyway…I'm extremely bored"

"Come on, let's go find people"

"Ooh! Terrorise?"

"Plunder"

"Divide?"

"And conquer!!"

We locked hands and started making our way further through the forest, both of us thinking 'that rhymed'! But the thing is that when we turned around, both of us crashed into a wall!

"Was there always a tree here?" Papa grumbled, rubbing her nose.

I mumbled an 'I don't know' but looked at the wall and saw it was completely black! With little red thingy-o's on it. Clouds, maybe? Staring at it longer, it became hypnotising, but I found out it was made of some kind of fabric. I poked it. It hurt. I poked it again.

"Hey, Quia, do rocks wear clothes?" I asked, repeatedly jabbing it, staring off at my partner's ghostly face. I would have laughed but after seeing that hideous look for so long, it gets old. He-he, I'm so mean. "Hey, Quia, what's the matter?"

Then something took hold of my stabbing wrist forcing me up in the air defying gravity, as my stomach was placed upon a steroid solid shoulder.

"So we just need to take these two to The Leader?"

"Yes"

"Too easy"

I saw from the view I had, that I was practically in the air, supported by this man. I couldn't see his face but I could see his retarded, spiky, navy blue hair, a massive sword thing covered in band-aids and past his huge, steroid-ness, Quia, shoving her hand in the face of the big guy's assumed partner. Now, the language my 'Papa' used was something no ordinary sixteen year old should be spouting. I will leave it to your imagination.

But she went limp in his arms as she shot him a glare, his red eyes returning the gesture.

I thought she was dead.

"LET QUIA GO!!!"

All of a sudden, vines shot out from the trees, wrapping around the two men but freeing my body from Gigantor, allowing me to run to my friend, now fallen to the ground. She was unconscious and her pulse was getting slow. "Wake up!" I yelled, shaking her insanely. "Don't die, Potty Mouth!!"

"Mmh. Two more minutes…"

...

_IDIOT!!! _

Inhale. "WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!" my hand violently smacking her cheek.

She jumped, shot up and yelled in reply "I'M UP ALREADY!!"

I then took her into a brief hug before ordering her to never sleep-die ever again. She just looked at me like I was an idiot but in exchange for never sleep-dieing; I wasn't allowed to scream swear words into her ear or hit her. And it was sealed with our high-five; up high, down low, snap ya fingers!

We sniggered but a dark shadow loomed over us, a voice demanding that we 'go with them' or something along the words of that.

Quia lightly formed a fist, but the base of her hand motion met her opposite palm, like she was holding her balled hand, as she exclaimed "I remember you!!"

… "You know them?"

"Yeah!"

"Papa, you know weird people"

"Mama, you know them too!"

"Huh?!"

"They're Naruto Cosplayers!!"

"Uh-huh…"

"Yeah!! That one's Itachi and that one's Kisame!"

"Ooh, Duck Butt's evil brother and 'Shark Bait'?! You serious?!"

"Take a look for yourself!"

I did as she said and spoke "Damn, you guys are good! You look just like 'em! Where'd you get the outfit? E-bay?" I asked.

"Hm, I don't think so. But we so need to check it out when we get home!"

"Hang on. But, Papa…I just realised something"

"Hm?"

"We didn't go to a convention thingy before"

…

"Oh, who cares?" she muttered, mumbling an 'I don't'.

"Of course you don't, you little Shit!"

"I'm not shit!"

"You are too!"

"Well... Oh my God! I have invented new codenames for us!"

I painted a surprised face, asking "Already? Tell me!!"

"You'll be Shit One and I'll be Shit Two"

"…I think that's a good idea"

"I know, and it's like Banana's in Pyjama's"

"Ha-ha, so true!"

"You know what I'm thinking Shit One?" Quia whispered, having me respond in the same tone "What is it, Shit Two?"

"I'm thinking we should tag along with fish-boy and his side kick"

"Why?"

"Why not?"

… "I don't know"

"Well, even better! Let's go!"

We both turned to see the faces of the men, raising eye brows, with the signs 'who are these idiots' plastered on their foreheads.

"We'll come with you" we both chirped, wearing happy grins.

"I shotgun Shark Bait!" I yelled, sprinting towards Gigantor.

"Yeah, ok- Hey! I want him!" she screamed, grabbing my leg, trying to drag me to the ground, when I just started my hike.

"Let go!"

"I want Shark Bait!"

"Hey, that's my nickname for him, no one else can use it! And why do you want him? Weren't you an Itachi fan?"

"That was ages ago!"

"Oh my God, you hippity hopper! Stick to one man already!"

"Make me!"

"Don't start this again!"

"You don't you go to Itachi?"

I raised an accusing finger at the victim, but my other hand gripping Kisame's robe and yelled "Do you think he will be able to hold my weight?!"

"You're not fat, Elle!"

"Yes! I am P.H.A.T! Pretty Hot and Mother-pucking Tempting!!"

She released a sigh "We all knew that"

"Sure you did"

"Anyway. GIMME!!" she screeched, yanking my foot down, resulting in my butt hitting the ground hard.

"YEEOUUCH!!"

"Oop. Sorry. You okay?" she apologized, but ignored me by climbing up Kisame, wearing a smug face saying 'you snooze, you lose'.

"I think I dislocated my butt"

Quia giggled as she placed herself on Shark Bait's back, her arms secured around his neck and legs around his middle. Kisame was looking as if he didn't know whether to murder papa, or laugh at my suffering.

I grumbled angrily, whilst marching to Mop Head. His back was towards me, so to be a little show off, I took a running start and cried "GLOMP NO JUTSU!!" crashing into his back, which didn't even faze him.

'_Oh you're good'. _

"I see you have survived my technique…" my voice resembling something like Bruce Lee and the Karate Kid.

"Hn"

I grasped him just like Quia was doing to Blue Boy and spoke "Well… lead away"

And at the end of my sentence, we went like Superman, and started rushing past the trees and branches with Quia screaming behind us. _'Poor Kisame, Papa's afraid of heights'_. Ooh, I know! I know exactly what gets her mind of it!

I prepared my voice and after a few 'ahem's', I sang, just loud enough for her to hear me "I believe I can fly!"

"I got shot by the FBI!!" she sang in return

"All I wanted was some chicken wings!"

"And some fries from Burger King!"

My mind went blank as I sang "I believe I can soar!"

"And…I can't remember anymore!!"

"Me neither!" I simply said.

"Hey, you didn't sing it!"

"You didn't either!"

…"White Flag!" she said, then going silent. That wasn't something good. It meant she was panicking. Oh damn, what do I do?

"Hey, Itachi, can you slow down to Kisame's pace? I need to calm her down"

His face remained emotionless but he did as I asked when my eyes met the scared, pale face of my best friend.

"Papa, let's play the Rhyming Game, 'kay?"

She took a sharp gulp and mumbled an 'okay'.

"Late" I calmly said.

"Hate" she followed.

"Fate"

"Mate"

"Plate"

"Kate"

"Annihilate!"

"Perpetrate!"

"Administrate!"

"Manipulate!"

"Uhh, invigorate!"

She stuttered but said "Exaggerate!"

"Penetrate!" I exclaimed, pointing a finger at me.

But then I exploded into a hilarious fit when she screamed for the whole world to hear.

"Masturbate!!!"

God, it was so hilarious. I was never expecting that! I tried stopping myself, taking deep inhales, but I just sounded like a suffocating fish.

"I Surrender!"

Then my laughter died down when a sharp pain coursed at my body, making me wilt and become tired. The last thing my eyes saw was Quia asleep on Shark Bait's back. Hey…where'd my bread stick go?


	3. Maiden Elle

**Maiden Elle****. Then her Best Friend's Partner 'Zetsie-Poo'**

"Ergh…" I groaned.

"About time you got up, Elle!"

"Papa?" my voice croaked, my eyes trying to peer open.

"Of course!"

"It hurts. And where are we?"

"Dunno. But Duck Butt's brother and them threw us in here"

"Where's here?"

"Some room or whatever, but, Mama, when I saw their place, God it was so ugly"

"Hey, that's not very nice"

"But it's true! I mean, it could make an onion cry"

"OLD! Heard that one before!"

"But Mama, it was seriously hideous. Elephants' butts look prettier than that!"

"Oi, what did the elephant ever do to you?"

"Uhm…he ate my peanuts!"

My face formed surprise "He didn't…" I hushed.

"Oh, he did!"

"What did you do?" my voice asked, as I crawled to her, intent on listening to more of Quia's story.

"I will tell you what I did"

I crawled in further.

"I…uhh. I…stole his…hay?"

My shoulders became slumped as I spoke "You stole his hay?"

"Uhhh…yes?"

"But, Papa. Doesn't hay belong to cows?"

"Steak on legs?"

"Yeah."

"No, they share. Because. Uhh. Long ago, in a distant time, elephants and cows were pure enemies, bent on never sharing their hay. But one day something happened and they became friends!"

"O…kay"

"Yeah and you know what they say! 'Sharing is caring'!"

"But, what does friends have to do with sharing?"

"Hm?"

"I mean, we're friends, but I'd be long gone before I start sharing my chocolate with you!"

"Ha! So true, but the thing is, when it comes to chocolate, I don't ask for your permission, I take! Like, you're Give and I'm Take!"

"So you're the Chocolate Thief!!" I yelled, pointing an accusing finger at her.

"Damn" she grumbled.

No!!! My poor chocolate! Don't worry, my babies. I will avenge you! My body lunged at her as I took her into a headlock, my opposite hand rubbing furiously at Quia's hair, turning it into an afro.

"For my babies!!!"

"ARGH!! GET OFF ME!!!"

"Never!!!!"

And just when I was about to be satisfied with my retribution, arms tore us apart. Me trying to continue my torture while she hid behind some random in a black and red coat.

"Yeah, keep on hiding that face of yours; you're doing the world a favour!"

"Whatever bitch," she yelled, peeking from the random "let me just say that your babies tasted delicious!"

"AHH, LEMME AT HER!!" I screeched, charging straight forward but being restrained by Duck Butt's brother, "Lemme at her, lemme at her! I'll end her quickly!!"

"Quiet" was all I could hear from Itachi. Something so simple, but even that managed to get me to shut up.

'You got lucky' I grumbled, relaxing into Mop Head's hold.

"The Leader wants to see you"

"Okay then, but the question is. Do I want to see him?" I retorted, feeling smart and self-satisfied.

But I guess Itachi was ignoring me because he was walking ahead, ditching me, with Quia by my side and the random falling behind, acting like security. Papa poked me but I gave her the silent treatment. She poked again but I gave her my undividable disregard. And I couldn't help but crack a smile when she got all dramatic.

"_Baby, come back!"_ she sang, _"Any kind of fool could see, there was something and everything about you!" _taking a knee and making a gesture of 'will you marry me?' But I played the tease as I walked around her, still following Itachi's stead. But she continued her tone-deaf melody _"Baby, come back!! You can blame it all on me! I was wrong, and I just can't live without you!"_

I released a giggle and tackled Papa into a hug, saying "Damn straight you can't live without me!"

"YAAY!!!" she chirped, returning the embrace but nevertheless, dragging us after Mop Head.

"Hey, what was that song? I like it"

"It's like an old song, but it's still awesome. Player - Baby Come Back!"

"Sounds so romantic"  
"Pfft, you and your lovey-lovey dovey-dovey"

"And kiss-kiss-kiss-kiss!"

"Heh, whatever, you wish, bitch"

"I'm not a…forget it"

Quia chuckled and smeared on a smile, but I locked arms with her and murmured "Papa, this place is scary"

"Its okay, my love, I will protect you"

"Oh, my hero"

"He-he, Superman, eat your heart out"

"Yeah…I just don't get the whole underwear thing"

"I know! Next thing you know, there's going to be a hero wearing a thong with his uniform"

I shuddered at the thought and begged her to change the subject.

"Mama, where do you think the cosplayers are taking us?"

"Dunno. Oh my God!! Maybe we are doing this whole acting thing I've heard cosplayers do"

"Ooh, acting"

"I know! We could totally ace!"

"Ew, your vocab sucks"

"Leave my vocab alone"

"No."

"Yes"

"Don't start this again"

"Hmph. Fine"

"He-he, you're meant to be acting as yourself, not Deidara"

"Huh?"

She pulled a surprised face, "You don't know Deidara?"

"Don't look at me like that. Of course I do, it's just that; how do you know? The reason why I don't know much about Naruto is because I was waiting for you, to watch all the episodes with me!"

"You serious? I was waiting for you!"

"Then. How do you know the characters?"

"Youtube!!!"

"HA-HA!! Me too!"

"But don't worry, Mama. I didn't watch the episodes! Just the little music videos and that"

"Me too!! But I also went on Wikipedia"

"Same. Well, what do you know?"

"Uhm. Sakura's the annoying fan girl of Duck Butt, Sasuke!"

"And Naruto is completely awesome!"

"That has something in his gut"

"Like a demon, right?"

"Ya."

"Before I forget, I have a confession, Mama!"

"Then confess, my child" I said calmly.

"I am a hippity hopper for 2-D characters!!"

"Continue, my child."

"Well, I was first mad for Duck Butt, then it was Naruto, and then Kiba, then Itachi and-"

"Then why didn't you piggy back Itachi before?!" I exclaimed.

"Shut up and let me confess! The reason was because after a whole month of obsession, I just got bored"

"Oh, you evil player! You friggin gold digger!"

"He-he. Well, of course I wanted to go with Shark Bait. I mean, those muscles, just drool-worthy"

"I ACCUSE STERIODS!!" my voice proclaimed.

"Don't be jealous, just because he's mine"

"Back off, bitch, I saw him first!"

"Na-uh!"

"Yeah! He was the one who grabbed me first! That means he digs me!"

"Bull cheese! No way he'd want you"

A face of remembrance was made and my mind completely forgot about Kisame when I asked "PAPA!! I remember, when you passed out, green rope thingies jumped out and saved me!!" I cried out, but whispered when I said "Was it you?"

Quia's face turned serious and said "Well, I saw you and you seemed hurt, and then when Mop Head hurt me, I just lost it"

I didn't respond for a good five seconds before I punched her arm "Lucky Bitch, you've got super powers! What about me?!! I want powers!"

"Yeeooww. That hurt, Elle"

I would have cracked a grin but when I crashed into Itachi, our happy atmosphere just died.

"Papa, our theme is: Obedient Servant"

"Okay"

"Three"

"Two"

"One!"

We entered through the doors, our hands folded neatly in front of us as we entered to see two ugly eyes stare at us. The room was too dark for my liking but we both paid respects, doing those traditional bows. We stood before 'Two Eyes' and remained there, somewhat bored but still in our 'acting role'.

"I am Elle" I spoke in a tone that so wasn't me.

"I am Quia" my partner spoke in an equal tone.

**:**

**Moments Later…**

"THAT STUPID, IDIOTIC, MIDGET OF A PRICK!!!!"

"Mama, stop yelling"

"How dare he?! 'You are going to be our maid', he said! A MAID!!!"

"Well, you are good at cooking, cleaning and everything motherly and maid-like"

"Besides the point! It's no fair. You get to do all the Kung-Fu Fighting and that just because you can do the green rope thing"

"And fire!"

"Hey, that was a fluke"

"Na-uh! You saw it just like I did, I am awesome!"

"Stop rubbing it in, Quia. I wanted to kick some butt too, you know" I whimpered.

She rubbed my back and comforted "I'm sorry, Mama, will you forgive me for my stupid-ness?"

I pouted as childlike as possible and said "Okay, but you'll have to be really nice to me"

"Alright"

"And give me hugs"

"Okay"

"And make me breakfast in bed"

"Hey, not too far!"

"He-he, jokes!"

"But what's on the list?"

"Uhm," I pondered, searching for the parchment of paper the Leader-guy gave me, "oh, found it! Err," my eyes scrambled over the letters "Basically; sorting, dusting, cleaning, washing and cooking"

"Ouch…"

"It's not that bad. I've done this stuff before"

"You have? When?"

"I have an evil mother."

"I will ask no further!"

"Thank you"

She changed the subject by talking about the cool robes the people gave us. We both didn't really care about how to style it, like how the others did, so we just put the damn things on and left it like that. I admit, it was pretty comfortable, but it was so dull, just like this whole damn place. Just black and red. There was no flavour or nothing. Just black. And red.

But I exploded in anger when I remembered Papa's powers.

"It's just no fair. I'm so jealous, Quia. You get awesome powers, AND all you guys are going on your own missions! I'm stuck home, cleaning and rotting away. I can't believe it, you are already going out with Plant Man!"  
"I'm not going out with him!!"

"Whatever, you soon will be!"

"Huh?!"

"Can't you see? It happens with partners, but then love grows, just like a fungus!!"

"Ew, that's gross"

"Which one? Plant Man or Fungus?" I teased.

"Fungus of course! Zetsu is not gross, he's cool"

"I know that! He's awesome and I love that contraption on his head, and his two sides are soo cute!"

Her face then became dead-pan. "Then why did you put him under the selection of 'gross'?"

"To tease you and to prove that you like him!"

"I do not!"

"Yeah! You just called him cool, and the next thing you'll now, you'll be calling him Zetsie-Poo!"

"Shut up! And don't you dare say that name again, if you do, I will hurt you"

"Which one? Zetsie-Poo?"

That was when she snapped and took off after me, resulting in my legs sprinting away for dear life. We ran through the hall and through another random passageway, but the speed caused me to forget that there was another member in front of us. My brakes were dead and I crashed into him, Quia landing on top of me, her bony structure murdering the crap out of me.

"AHHHH!!"

"Shut the fuck up!!!" he yelled into my ear, and I yelled back "NO SWEARING!!"

"I can swear all I want, now get the fuck off me!"  
"Why you stupid-" I wasn't able to finish my come-back, because Mop Head had already lifted me off the jerk by my collar, having me dangle in the air, my little form staring as innocently as possible at his frowning expression. Yet the scowl then became a glare as I tried turning his frown upside down.

I gave up and spoke "He started it" whilst pointing at the man on the ground.

He released a low growl followed by a sigh, but he put me down when Leader ordered me to start my chores while they were all away.

They had walked a fair distance away from me as I saluted their farewells, yet instead of the formal salutation, my fingers formed a peace signal. Of course my Quia had returned the gesture while the others either raised eyebrows or ignored my existence.

"Come back home safely, 'kay?" I yelled directed at Papa, but the others responded as well. "And Zetsu!! You better take care of my Quia or I'll shove my foot so far up your ass, you'll be talking shit for weeks!!"

"Language!!"

"English!!"

"Love you!!"

"Sames!!!"

And then, they were gone, off to plunder some little innocent village. I'm so proud (!). Oh well. The place wasn't going to clean itself, so I turned around and in that moment, my face dropped and my eyes shot out from their sockets. There. Right in front of me, were piles, no, MOUNTAINS of smelly, disgusting clothes, dirtied dishes, socks on food-stain infested couches and massive book shelves of useless excuses for paper. And that was just what I could see! Imagine the kitchen! The bedrooms!

My voice released a loud cuss that echoed. God damn it! I have my work cut out for me!!! Curse you, stupid midget person called Leader, also known as Pain!! You!!! Are a PAIN!! In the ass!!!! …God, I hope this century at least has a washing machine…


	4. The Beautiful Results

**The Beautiful Results**** and Intense Fever**

The five days seemed like an eternity. Never ending. Slow. And torturing my poor soul. That, was probably the hardest task I have ever done in my life! _'Your life, so far'_, I imagined Papa saying back at me. Wahh!! I miss Quia!!! Come home soon!!

My whining stopped when I looked at my victory.

The clothes were all washed, dried and folded in neat piles, sorted from socks to robes to undergarments, waiting to be retrieved by their original owners. Dust was non-existent and the stupid library was sorted and the books placed upon the shelves in alphabetical order, A to Z. The kitchen transformed from the behind of a dying camel to a beautiful room with Mama's touch. I had successfully managed to get the stains out of the couch and underneath all that trash and cushions, I had found a few kitchen utensils, pots, pans, knives and even a few clothes suitable for mine and Papa's size. Of course I washed all of them seven times before ever putting them to use.

And now, my job was done. Everything was pretty and shining with pure awesome-ness. I took the pleasure of sinking into the couch. Yes, everything was clean, neat and tidy. Hallelujah. Now I can die happy.

Are those tears? Oh hang on! I forgot to add the finishing touch.

I took the mat and placed it a fair distance away from the entrance.

'Okay…quick nap'.

**:**

It felt like five minutes, and I had shot up at the sound of heavy rock. I then heard tapping feet and in that instant, I had quickly hidden my body, prepared to tackle my Papa into a hug.

The feet grew louder and louder and soon enough I cried "WELCOME HOME!!!!"

"AHHH!!!" my Quia's voice screamed, but died down when the friction of our bodies crashed together, both of us falling to the ground.

"Don't you ever go away for that long ever again!!" I sobbed, burying myself further into Papa's bony structure, "It was so boring without you!"

She returned the embrace and whimpered "I'm so glad you're here. I would have died of boredom!"

"Me to- PEEEYOOOUU! Papa," I said, backing away "you smell like donkey ass!"

Quia pulled a face closest to a frown and 'what the hell?' and before she could figure out a come-back, I ordered "Get your butt in the shower!"

"I don't wanna!"

"Go right, now young lady!"

"But"

"GO!"

"But-"

"No more 'buts' or I take my foot and shove it up your 'butt' right now, now go!"

"Meanie Mommmy" she grumbled.

"Be good and if you do, dinner might be ready when you're done"

"Ooh!!! Your famous cooking?"

"The one and only!"

"Put something involving meat in the menu and I'll be washed in five minutes"

"Deal!"

And with that, a path of smoke could only be seen as she rushed away. I turned to see the rest of the group and analysed them intently. There was Shark Bait and Mop Head, and the same prick I bumped in to beside some other random guy with scars on his body. There was a guy who had a lollipop face, another with blonde hair and a guy who resembled Gaara. Zetsu was standing there being a…plant, I guess and there was evil midget leader and a pretty lady next to him.

I pointed to the entrance of the lair and simply said "Shower."

They didn't obey.

I was planning to tell them again, but instead all of them collapsed to the ground.

"Holy Hell!" I shrieked, running towards them all, the closest being Blue Boy. His cheeks were flushed a retarded purple, and I then touched his cheek, seeing that his forehead was already occupied by that huge head set thingy-o, it felt that it was burning hot.

"Ow! Jesus! What happened, Shark Bait?"

"Stop calling me that or I'll cut out your friggin' mouth and feed it to Zetsu" he groaned.

"Oh, shut up" I retorted, lifting his arm over my shoulder, attempting to lift him up. Failing miserably. "Come on, Kisame!! Use those fish legs already!"

I heard him growl, funny too seeing he's a shark and not the growling tiger type, and lift himself upwards, me guiding him to his room, which ever one it was. He reached the destination with a 'thump' on the ground. A little revenge for threatening me. But I rolled him to the bed so I could have sometime to take care of the others and then fix up a little something to eat.

The same process happened for the others. The pretty lady, Lollipop, Mop Head and a couple others actually appreciated my 'shoulder to lean on', whereas the 'Prick' named Hidan spoon fed me insults and cussing, and pretty much, after learning how to block out his words, I learnt how to block out everyone else.

I was practically breaking into a sweat when I was done transporting everyone.

"Operation: Fever, now in motion!!!"

When said, my body gathered everything 'fever-ly' possible. I found a picking trolley that was also hidden underneath all the mountains of crap, and placed on top of it, the first aid kit, a tub of lukewarm water, cloths, no need for a thermometer, I already knew what they had, and a bucket, in case of a surprise vomit attack.

"I finished my shower!!!" Papa's voice screamed, rushing towards the kitchen.

"I'll make dinner later, Quia, everyone's sick!!"

"Me wants dinner!!!!"

"Make dinner then!! I need to take care of our babies!!!"

"But I thought chocolate was your 'babies'…" she mumbled

"You ate my babies, remember? And now, you can't eat my current babies without getting sick!"

"You got lucky this time"

"Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!"

"Well, that's why you're 'Mama' and I'm 'Papa'!! You take care of the children and I put food on the table"

"Oh, you wanna take this outside?"

"But it's true!"

"I don't have time for this, go raid the fridge or pantry or whatever!!"

"Okiley- dokiely"

"Oh, hang on!!! Will you be able to help me??"

"Elle. In case you can't remember. I can't even take care of a rock to save my life"

"Oh you hopeless case!"

"Byeee!!!"

And that was my que to leave. I made my way to the first room. Zetsu. He was lying on the bed as I had ordered, but his face was hidden behind that thorny contraption. God damn it! My legs brought me further into the room as I placed the trolley beside me while I took a seat on his bed.

"Wakey wakey…"

No response.

"Rise and shiny…"

No response.

"Wakey wakey, Zetsie-Poo"

"Ergh. **Go away!**"

"Hey! Wake up!!" I yelled, trying to pry his Venus Fly-trap thingies open.

"**Go away, dammit**!"

"NO! You need to get better! You need hydrating goodness!!"

And now was when he thought it was best to ignore me.

"You stubborn little shit! Well. You're not little, but still!"

He was giving me the silent treatment.

I took the cloth and soaked it in the water, squeezing the excess water and patting the sweat of Plant Man's thingies. It was a decision that was made in my mind, that I would start a conversation with myself.

"So how are you today, Elle?"

"Oh, I'm fine thanks. And you, Elle?"

"Oh, just peachy"

"What's the matter?"

"Well, I just found out today that being ignored isn't a very nice experience"

"Ooh, I know how you feel!"

"You do?"

"Sure I do! You see, right now, a plant thing is ignoring my existence"

"Really? Me too!"

"Doesn't feel very great, does it?"

Sigh, "No, not really, but its nice talking to you though"

"Yeah, but I can tell you're getting bored"

"Yep"

"Oh, you've missed a spot"

I looked at the venus-trap and saw it was soaked in one place but not the other. "Thanks."

"Ne, can you sing me a song?"

"No!"

"Why not?"

"'Coz I'm not singing in front of Papa Nature!"

"Who cares? He's probably so in-tune with his ignoring for you, that he won't hear your talent"

"Good point but still!"

"What?"

"I'm shy…"

"Wow. That's a first"

"Shut up."

"SING!!!"

I was going to yell 'no', and it felt stupid too, since I was talking to myself, but when I felt the mandibles loosen, I could tell Zetsu was listening, intent on hearing my 'talent'. No, I did not blush. Actually. I was pretty happy with myself.

A snigger escaped and I 'innocently' said "Okay…"

"Prepare yourself! And sing whatever song you wanna sing!"

I cleared my throat but I imagined my Quia screaming for 'Bleeding Love'. God, what was it with her and blood. The little vampiric bundle of poop. Man, I love her, he-he, 'Papa'.

But whatever. To make things quick to satisfy Elle Number Two and supposed ignoring me, Zetsu, I skipped the beginning and went straight to the bridge.

"_But I don't care what they say  
I'm in love with you  
They try to pull me away  
But they don't know the truth  
My heart's crippled by the vain that I keep on closing  
…Ooh, you cut me open and I"_

I couldn't help but smile when Zetsu's fly trap things lost its tension, and with a slight higher octave, I sang,

"_Keep bleeding. Keep, keep bleeding love  
I keep bleeding, I keep, keep bleeding love  
Keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding-"_

I cut from my song when I saw bright yellow eyes peeking from the shadow, and I screamed, pointing straight at him "I saw you!!!"

KA-PLAK! He closed those things shut and that just left me to complain "Thanks a lot, genius! You ate my cloth!"

And when I said that, he spat the shredded bits into my face.

"Oh my God, that is the last time I sing for a plant!!" I yelled, dumping the warm water all over his body, soaking him and the bed entirely. Yet before he had jumped up and released all hell, I had already taken the bowl, trolley and my self into the hall, closing the door shut.

"Safe!" I sighed, "One down, don't know how many more to go…"

On to the next room! But first, water! It was retrieved in a flash and I had already entered the next room. There, Itachi was sweating a fit, panting heavily, his robes soaked with smelly-ness, extremely damp.

I rushed towards him and practically burnt my hand when I felt his touch.

"Itachi, can you get out of your clothes? You can't stay in them, you'll get sick. Uhm, even more sick than you already are!"

He raised his arm to get out of a sleeve but went limp immediately.

"Come on, Muscles! You've gone through hell and back again, and you can't even take off your jacket!"

He released a strained noise, trying his best, but he just became even weaker. Lord, why do you taunt me?!

"Okay. I'm not a pervert and I'm not doing this on purpose or anything. I'm just going to take off your jacket and wipe the smelly sweat off, and then you're going under the blankets to rest, 'kay? I'm not going to go nitty-gritty or anything like that, alright?!"

"Ugh."

"I need your permission first, Mop Head!!"

"Yeah"

"…Good enough for me"

I started at the zipper and pulled it down. Seriously disgusting too, he was so sweaty it was not funny. Like, there is a sexy sweaty that makes girls squeal but this was just down right nasty. And things just got more depressing when there was a net of a shirt with a pair of pants on his body. Yeah, go ahead. Laugh or blush. But after being surrounded by older brothers for your entire life, you grow immunity to six packs.

My hands met the net and I pulled it up and over his head, but left the pants on. Over my dead body that I was going to strip a man down there!

I soaked the white sheet into the water, washing the perspiration of his chest and face. I nearly burst out in laughter when I heard a pleasurable groan escape his lips, when I accidentally applied pressure to get around. _'Enjoying your self?'_

His face formed a small frown when my 'cleaning' stopped, and placed the rag upon his forehead.

"Go to sleep now", and with that, I placed the futon on his body and left, moving on to the next room. This was somewhat fun. He-he.

**:**

"What the fuck is this shit?"

I smacked the back of his head and answered "Chicken and lentil soup"

"Like hell I'm eating this"

"Eat it or else you'll get worse"

"In case you haven't noticed, bitch, I'm immortal!"

"Yeah, but you're not immune! Now hurry up and eat, you arrogant prick!"

"Fuck off!"

"No! Eat!!" I yelled, shoving the spoon full of soup into his mouth. I was satisfied when he swallowed and widened his eyes. _'That's right! My cooking is the best and you better believe it!' _I saw him lick his lips and accept another spoonful, followed by another and another. I can't believe he got me to feed him like this. Don't expect it to happen again. My eyes quickly scanned his room. Thank God the blood was gone. Took me forever to get rid of the stains, and even longer to get rid of the smell. Absolutely yucky.

"Easy, Tiger. It all finished!"

"Gimme more!"

"No! Everyone else has their own fair share of the soup"

"Fuckin' gimme Tobi's then!"

"NO! Tobi needs his soup as well! You're not getting seconds" I finalised, standing up and taking the bowl with me, moving on to the next person. But he forcefully grabbed my arm and pulled me forward, breathing "Don't make me say it again"

"Fucker, I'll make you beg before you get anything from me. I know you're immortal and shit, but try regenerating your balls if you ever threaten me again."

"Let go of MAMA!!!!!" a voice shouted, then a foot violently meeting Hidan's face, the back of his head smashing into the wall behind him.

"QUIA??" I squealed.

She marched up to him, grabbed the prick by his collar and practically screamed "TOUCH ELLE AGAIN AND I'LL KILL YOU TEN DIFFERENT WAYS, CHOP OFF YOUR BEADS AND MAKE SURE YOU'RE NEVER ABLE TO REPRODUCE EVER AGAIN!!!!!!"

"Quia?"

"YOU!!" she bellowed, pointing at me, but her voice became slightly softer when she continued "You are not allowed to be with him alone! I or someone else must be with you! AND!! Everyone else is hungry"

I didn't even bother fighting back with her. I just ran for it, out the door, soup bowls to everyone and back to the kitchen, remaining equipment in hand.

Scary. I haven't seen her turn evil since…my ex. And that was bad! That threat she just gave to Hidan wasn't a joke either. For once, I feel sorry for him.

…

Oh well! I plastered a smile and completely ignored my dizziness.


	5. Villiage Called 'Earth'

**Our Village called 'Earth'**** and The Talk**

"Mama, how is it you got everyone better, but you're the one who is sick now?"

"Lemme alone…"

"Awww. You poor thing."

"Hm. This is my reward for caring"

"Don't worry; I will take care of you"

…

"HELP!!!!!!!! AHH!! RESCUE ME SOMEBODY!!!!!"

"Elle-chan??" a voice piped in.

"TOBI!!! Thank GOD!!!" I cheered, rolling out of the bed and falling into his arms, "You would be a very good boy if Tobi never allows Quia to take care of Elle"

"Okay!!" he called "Tobi will be a good boy"

"Hey! I'm not that bad!" she protested.

"You can't even take care of a rock, remember?!"

"But you're not a rock!"

"If you're going to take care of me, I might as well be one!!"

"What's going on here, un?" a familiar voice stumbled in.

"There is no way in heaven or earth I am letting Quia take care of me, that's what!!!" I screamed at Deidara, clutching to Lollipop for dear life, my legs utterly weak. I noticed that 'Goodie Two Shoes' was blushing like mad; even from underneath that mask I could tell. Well, the way we both were looking, I was hugging him and he was either in the decision of hugging back or acting as a tree. But now that my legs are dying on me, all I could see was the material on his chest.

"Slipping"

Then Tobes hauled me onto his back, me piggy back riding him.

"YAAY!!"

"Tobi will be a good boy and take care of Elle-chan"

I couldn't tell if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"Okay, Tobi, take me to the kitchen!"

"Alrighty!!"

"HANG ON!!!"

Everything paused as that command echoed in the room. Konan was in front of me and Sunshine, and she simply spoke "You. Get into bed"

"But…I gotta do stuff"

"Get in bed. I want to thank you for taking care of us, so as thanks, we will take care of you. Now first, Tobi. Put her in bed"

Tobi did as she said and rolled me off his back and into the mattress, while Quia pushed my head into the pillow, letting me slowly close my eyes into a quick sleep.

"M'kay. Just because I'm so awesome, I'll sleep" I cooed, before darkness enclosed.

**:**

Okay, so this is how I think this was going to work. While everyone is doing their necessary duties, one person is meant to watch over me, tend to me, do whatever I need, and they will be free when their shift is over.

Simple enough. Seeing that I will be sleeping and resting most of the time, and when I'm awake, I'll be doing…whatever.

Runner up was Hidan. Well. Quia and Hidan. She didn't want me and him to be alone so the fun was practically sucked out of the atmosphere. But Kakuzu was the follower. Boy, he was just a bundle of joy. Counting money. God, it was like watching the grass grow.

"What's your name?"

Stupid question, Elle. But he gave no answer.

"What are your hobbies?"

"Money"

"Have you ever robbed a bank?"

No response. NO DUH!! There are no banks here!! (Are there?) Damn it, girl!! Remember Papa's conversation!

-

'_Mama, I don't think we're home. Because when I tried breaking that__ plastic kunai thingy, it hurt me and this place is too real!'_

'_You must be insane. But what do we do, Papa?'_

'_I dunno'_

'_Oh, some kind of help you are!'_

'_Well, I think we should tag along. This place is fun!'_

_Sigh. 'What am I gonna do with you?'_

'_Love me. Feed me. Never leave me'_

'_Well that's obvious! If I wanted to leave you, I would've dumped your ass ages ago!'_

'_Oi! I have feelings too, you know!'_

'_That's a first'_

-

"Hey you know, chicks dig scars"

I cracked a smile when I saw him stop counting for a second, before he continued.

"Oh yeah! Ladies from my world dig the bad boy type! What they wouldn't do for a little freak like you! And it's not an insult"

He cleared his throat, acting like I didn't exist when my spider senses were tingling. Him, begging to know more.

"I'm serious, scars are a big hit! And you are all that! And it's funny because what's better than scars? Is the _mysterious_ bad boy type, WITH scars, that's what!!"

"Ahem."

"It's true. But it sort of depends on where it is. The back is major drool. Like a little line down the back. Or arm. Ooh! Tattoos are cool too. But nothing too outrageous. See, ones on the back, arm, leg, whatever, but I'm not too into the whole body thing. But I make exceptions for ones who actually are hot, sexy and cool"

Counting. He wasn't interested.

"You like money, ya?"

"Yes"

"And you're sort of evil, yeah?"

"Suppose"

"So, why not go all diabolical? Like, forge money?"

"Huh?"

"Like, make fake money! Go all bad guys in Rush Hour 2. How they were making fake money at a casino! And then they get money, but give out the fakes! I mean, it was so evil, but you have to admit, that was pretty smart. You know, 'get rich quick' scheme"

He shaped his face into a form of a smirk.

"And Chris Tucker was so cool! And Jackie Chan! 'Put the blade down and let the bird go, right now!!!' Oh beautiful moment"

He was ignoring me, happy in his Money World.

"You lucky I'm so nice, or I'd smack you upside your head and knock you out of your happy place" I grumbled, rolling to my side in the bed, falling asleep, seeing that was one thing I was good at, at the moment.

**:**

Didn't get much sleep. People were so bloody noisy. Quia just sat her butt on the bed and rolled next to me, cuddling up for my fevered warmth.

"I'm sick, you stupid head"

"I'm immune"

"Oh yeah. Forgot about that. Lucky bitch. Anyway, why are you hugging me? Shouldn't you go receive some 'tenderness' from Plant Man??" I teased.

"Not in the mood for your jokes, Elle. I'm sleepy coz they've got me training and all that"

"You poor thing, but that doesn't explain why you're cuddling me"

"You're my best friend. Best friends comfort their best friends. Now comfort me, bitch, I'm upset"

"I won't even bother asking" I gave up, letting her cuddle away, "But you better not fall asleep, coz the last time we had a sleep over, you were going all 'Kung Fu Fighting'. Me being in danger! You kick in your sleep! And did I mention that you moan?"

_Knock, knock, knock. _

"YO!!!!!!! WHAT YA WANT?!"

And at that, Pein entered, followed by the other Red Cloud members. Akatsuki, was it? Well, he meant business, but the way Quia was all lovey-dovey, he just said "What are you two doing?"

I was going to explain when Papa sarcastically yelled "Aww, damn you! We were just getting intimate and you just had to come in, didn't ya? DIDN'T YOU?"

Everyone grew silent and awkward. "She's just pulling your leg. What do you want?"

Pein coughed in his hand and spoke "You're not from here, that much we know. But you need to tell us about which village you came from and every detail necessary. Tell us now, or we will force it out of you another way"

"Don't get so hostile, Pachino! If you just say 'please', we'll tell you!" Papa sounded. The sound of gritting teeth could be heard, but Konan spoke calmly "Please".

"Well. If you insist so dearly, we come from a village called, uhm"

"Earth!" I piped in.

"Yeah, and we travel in huge metal bugs called cars!"

"And we love the sound of music! God, if only music were a man…"

"We love to eat chocolate!"

"And we survive on a source called the Internet!"

"Which is used for information"

"Entertainment"

"And porn!"

I smacked the back of her head. "And for fan fictions!"

They didn't seem to be, believing our words but Tobi asked "What are fan fictions?"

"Oh honey, they are stories made from fans! You see, in our world you are, uhm. How do I put this nicely?"

"Characters!! You guys are characters in stories! But since the fan population wish the story to go one way, we make up our own and get you guys involved!!"

They raised their eye brows.

"Uhh, well. We sort of, can get you to do stuff" I explained.

"…"

"You guys need an example, don't cha?"

Nod.

"Uhm. We can get you to do super cool techniques!" I exclaimed

"And make you do really awesome things!" Quia spoke.

"And do really evil things"

"And do stupid things!"

"And make you guys fall in love!"

"And make you guys fall in love with each other!!"

The opposite group made a surprised 'pfft' noise, all at once, wearing disgusted faces.

"The fuck?! With each other?! You're fucking disgusting!" Hidan screeched shuddering at the very thought.

"Hey! Don't say that! In the fictions, you guys liked it!" Papa responded.

"But we're not in a fiction, dumb-ass!"

"That's what you think. Dun dun duuuunnn!!!!"

"Quia, stop it, you're scaring the children" I murmured.

"Sorry, but anyway. It was pretty cute too. I mean, you and Shark Bait got together" she cheerfully spoke, pointing at Itachi and Kisame, their faces painted with disturbance, "And Deidara and Sasori make a couple too".

"And we make Konan and Pein fall in love with each other too!! You guys are like so adorable"

That was when we saw the faces of our cute couple blush red.

"And we pair you up with other people too"

"Such as?" they asked.

We looked at each other and said in unison "You do not wanna know".

"Tell us!" they curiously urged.

"No way!" we spoke again.

"Tell!!" Tobi squealed.

We looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders, both thinking 'hey, it's their funeral'.

Quia answered "Well, you guys get hooked up with Sakura or Naruto or Sasuke or any other people from the leaf place or any where else that people want you guys to be with or random people we come up with out of the blue!"

"You mean that pink bitch?!" Hidan exclaimed.

"Ya!" I cheered.

"Naruto?!"

"Mhm!" was Quia's obvious response, "Don't forget Sasuke…Itachi", emphasising Mop Head's name. He took a strong gulp, but stayed emotionless.

"Oh, and we can get you guys to do the nitty-gritty…" she continued.

"Nitty-Gritty?" they said, foreign to the word.

"Like…intimate love" I tried explaining, but Quia screamed "AND YAOI!!!"

They didn't understand. So Papa explained to Hidan and Deidara so they could explain to everyone else. But instead, they blushed bright red and murmured something around the words of 'I sacrifice you and you blow me up'.

"It won't work, because you're immortal and you'll come back together again, won't cha? So Deidara will die alone and we can't let that happen to Dei-chan!"

"I'll kill ya if you call me that again, un!"

"Scary" Papa innocently said, pouting angelically in all fake-ness.

"And yeah, in fan fictions, we play the Gods!" I dramatically protested, "anything else you want to know? Like how to make babies?" I teased, in which they just declined and turned to leave. But Tobi piped in and asked "How _do_ you make babies?"

Time froze as we stared at the naive bundle of sunshine and joy.

We both turned to the males and screamed "You haven't given him The Talk?"

They blushed red, excluding Shark Bait burning purple and dumbly refused to answer.

"You haven't?!?!"

"How are babies made?" Tobi's innocent voice asked.

"Uhhh" Quia stammered, unsure how to tell a grown man with the mind of a child, The Talk, _'better now than never'_, "When a Mommy and a Daddy really love each other. They lie down and-"

I cut in and jokingly burst "They lie down and the guy gives the girl twenty dollars!!!"

She smacked the back of my head, making my head spin, making me feel like hurling as I fell into the bed, dizzy and feeling more sick than usual.

"Ergh…"

And everything went blurry from there on then.

But what I do remember is Lollipop quivering in a corner, shocked and scared by the harsh reality of babies; how they're made and where they come from. And no, they do know grow on trees or fall from the sky.


	6. Steak & Sexual Healing

**Eating Steak**** and Project: Sexual Healing**

I was feeling so much better. Nothing rest, soup, laughter and a shower can't fix. But the feeling died when I exited the room and saw the sight of dirt and the stench of something dying.

"What the hell happened here?!"

I wasn't sure if I was thinking that or if that slipped the lip, but Konan had found a place beside me, lecturing about how I was sick for so long and how this place became a form of a pigsty during my 'absence'.

"Well, carrying on, Maid, we expect everything to be tidy by dinner" she spoke in a disgustingly sweet tone.

'_Bitch!!!' _

"Okay" I whimpered, heading towards the laundry, the place where the cleaning necessities slumber.

'_Evil woman. Evil People. They probably did it on purpose. No, maybe she did it! Oh, I will get you back for this, Konan. Mark my words' _

I guess I was mumbling out loud incoherently, because every time I passed someone, they would stop, look and walk away, thinking 'suddenly, my life doesn't seem so bad'.

"MAMA!!!!" a voice screeched, a body then crashing into mine, causing me to fall and roll, until the friction ceased, "Thank God!! You're better!!"

"Not for long" I grumbled.

"Oh. Well, Zetsu's taking me training so I won't be back as soon as I thought, so yeah! Byeee!!"

"Bye…" I murmured, watching her walk away.

"My baby's growing up" I playfully cried, acting like a mother waving good bye to her son who is going to college. But in this case, my son was actually the daughter who was actually my best friend, who was the partner of Plant Man. He-he, 'training'. Whatever you say, sunshine, we all know the truth.

But yeah, Cleaning Time!! Yay (!), this is going to be fun.

**:**

"Stupid toilet. Stupid floor. Stupid men. Stupid laundry. Stupid stains"

ARGH!!!! This is just so stupid!!! I'm knocked out for God knows how long and they can't even keep their place clean!! How they hell have they managed to survive?! Okay, calm down, yelling isn't going to get this place neat and tidy. Just calm down. Just be calm, DAMMIT!!!!!

No. Hang on! Cleaning isn't what I'm upset about. It's something else. Damn. Home-sick.

"What the fuck's wrong with you?" a voice called.

I ignored it. Even as he asked again and again. I gave him my disregarded attention. But he nudged my shoulder. I still ignored him. And then the genius just had to pick me up and place me upon his shoulders.

"WOAHLY SHIT!!! PUT ME DOWN!!" I screamed into his ear.

"SHUT UP!!! I'M NOT FUCKING PUTTING YOU DOWN TILL YOU TELL ME WHATS WRONG!!!" he yelled back at me.

I gulped and in a hushed tone, I sort of whimpered "Please… put me down, Hidan"

My ears heard him gulp, as he released his hold and placed me firmly on the ground, "I don't know what the fuck's up with you. Usually you're all smiles and fuckin' happy it's disgusting, now you're all fuckin' depressed and shit. You're no fun"

"Aww, I didn't know you cared" I sweetly spoke, feeding Mr. Immortal the puppy eyes.

"Shut up"

"Hmph. Go away, shoo! I need to clean"

He was reluctant but he did as I said, leaving me to the clothes, getting the blood of his stupid robe. God, I know that in the anime they were pretty murderous, but COME ON!! At least try to be a bit tidier.

He-he. Oh, but I laugh when I think about it. Well, what if some other girl got sucked here. Would she scream and be a bitch, or would she go with the flow like me and Quia did. Flow was pretty fun, minus the cleaning. Oh crap! What am I going to make for dinner?! I need to hurry!

My hand snatched the mop as I dipped it into warm water, cleaning the hard wood floor, running up the hall and back down. Pretty fun. But the water was too much so I dried it as well by taking a rag, placing it on the floor. I took a running start and jumped on it, sliding through the corridor, like it was a skateboard.

"WHHOOO!!!!" I howled through the walls. But being accident-prone resulted in me crashing into a passer-by.

We rolled and stumbled until I found myself lying dead-pan on top of the guy, taking in his scent of nature and cologne.

"Mmm, yooou schmell guuud" my muffled voice spoke, seeing that my face was smothered in his chest.

But I lifted my head and looked into face of a man with a handsome face, red, sleepy looking eyes and a form of a frown on his face.

"You look like Itachi…" I grumbled, rubbing my eyes.

…

"You are Itachi…"

"Yeah"

"…How are you?"

"I'm fine but can you get off"

"No" I teased, but did what he asked anyway, "Anyway, what do you feel like eating for dinner, I have no idea what to make"

"I don't know" he said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Some help you are" I grumbled, walking away towards the kitchen.

"You've done a nice job with the place"

"Hm? You say something?"

"No, I did not"

"Oh. Okay then. See you at dinner!"

"Bye…"

**:**

"So, we're going to have steak with mixed vegies and water, right?"

"For the fifth time, yes, Quia. We are having steak"

"So, why isn't the steak ready yet, Elle?"

"Because I am cooking it right now. So if you're going to keep on annoying me, I suggest you go set up the table and leave me alone so I don't burn myself"

"Ha-ha, okay! But I can see the papers already. 'Girl attacked by steak and lives to tell the tale'. Hilarious!"

"Oh go away!"

And she ran out of the kitchen laughing in hysterics.

"Mental, that one…" I smirked, knowing fully well that I was as crazy as she. And with that, I placed the now ready steak on a plate, sided with potatoes and other vegetables.

"Okay" I clapped my hands and smiled, happy my cooking turned out so good looking and down right delicious, "DINNER'S READY!!!!", my voice yelled as I placed the last plate of the meal and the table, watching as the gang came by taking a seat.

"Eat up!"

Of course Papa did, but the rest just sat there. Staring at it. Oh yeah…they're those Japanese traditional stuff. Like rice and that miso soup I heard them mention. But…I don't know how to make that stuff…Oh well, what you see is what you get!

"Come on, eat it. It won't bite"

Tobi could be seen poking it with his fork, the utensil I replaced instead of the chop sticks, "How do we eat it, Elle-chan?"

I went over to him and demonstrated, holding the meat down with the fork and cutting away with the knife. I turned to him and gently lifted his mask, but just up to his lips, so he wouldn't get upset if we showed him his identity, and placed the piece of steak into his mouth.

_Chew, chew, chew__, chew, chew…gulp. _…"YUMMY!!!!" he squealed, taking more bites into the meat. He then tried the potatoes and his smile grew, "YUMMY!!!! Elle-chan!! This is so yummy, you're fantastic!!!"

A light shade of pink crawled its way to my cheeks as I fed him a tooth bearing grin. "Awww, thank you, Sweetie! You've just made my day", I kindly spoke, honest with my words, patting his head, then leaving towards to the kitchen to clean my mess.

I filled the sink with bubbled water and began washing the pan that was used to cook the steak, followed by the knives and more, as I discarded the vegetable peelings into the compost.

"Please, Mama, can I have some more?" Quia's voice begged in that 'Oliver' tone.

"Nope, each and every one of you got a fair piece"

"But…I'm still hungry…"

"Ergh"

"Please??"

"…"

Puppy Eyes.

"Oh fine. You can have mine, but eat it here. It won't be very nice if you get another piece when the others can't"

"Okaaay!!" she cheerfully exclaimed, sinking her teeth into my steak.

"God, what would you do without me?"

"Iunno, but can I get a song?" she muffled through her food.

"Don't talk with your mouth full"

She swallowed and asked "Can you sing to me?"

"Nope"

"Awww! Why not?" she whined

"Because the last time I sang, I had a shredded rag thrown in my face. I don't want a steak to be the next option"

"Meanie"

I grinned evilly "Yeah, I know"

"Well, how about a story?"

My face became dead-pan. "How old are you?"

She swallowed her piece of steak and answered "Fifteen going to be sixteen"

"And you want a story…"

"Ya"

I rubbed the bridge of my nose in annoyance, "Yeah fine whatever, you'll get your story just like, one of those bedtime stories, just get me the plates at the table, 'kay?"

"Yes sir!!...I mean ma'am!"

"Errgh, just go"

She pouted, "You're so boring when you're in Mama-mood!"

"Don't worry, I'll go crazy soon enough"

"Hope so" Quia grumbled accomplishing her plate mission.

A few minutes passed and the kitchen was clean, as well as the dishes and the table. And with that, I whispered my sweet revenge to Papa, my plans on getting back at Konan.

"…and then we can tease her the next morning"

"Alrighty then! But…it doesn't seem much like revenge. It seems more like…you know, 'Cupid' and lovey and stuff"

"Hey! I get a laugh, you get more skilled and she gets laid! We're all happy"

"Yeah, yeah, okay then, so how is this going to work"

"Oh my God! I just told you!"

"Tell me again!"

Sigh. "You are going to get Konan and I am going to get Pein and then we're…"

**:**

"Pein, you wished to see me?" Konan's voice spoke.

"Didn't you wish to see me?" he asked, curious and serious.

"No Pein"

-

"Did you get it ready?" I hushed

"Hang on already!! Controlling air isn't easy you know!!"

"Hurry up, we need to set the mood in motion"

"Hang on…I got it!"  
"Alright!"

"Okay, sing!"  
"Hang on, lemme get ready!"

"Oh my God"

Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.

"Alright I'm ready"

"Lights. Camera. Action"

And with that, Quia alluringly whispered in the void, leading to the room that the couple was in _**'Get up, get up, get up, get up'**_ and slowly followed by _**'Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up'**_.

And that was my que to sing;

"_Mmh, baby lets get down tonight"_

'_**Bub-a-dub-a-dum-bum'**_ Quia emphasised.

"_Ooh! B-a-a-a-by, I'm hot just like an oven  
I need some lovin'  
And. B-a-a-a-by, I can't hold it much longer  
It's getting stronger and stronger"_

"_And when I get that feeling  
I want sexual healing  
Sexual…Healing. Ooh, baby"_

"_Makes me feel so fine  
Helps to relieve my mind  
Sexual… Healing, baby, is good for me  
Sexual… Healing is something, that's good for me"_

What we couldn't see was the fact that pretty blue wonder and Mr. Big Guns were blushing like mad, eyeing each other up and down, searching for any ridiculous reason to burst forth and indulge in their desperate need for 'healing' or run away and spoil the moment. They didn't want to run but they didn't want to indulge either. But when Konan reached in for a brief embrace, Pein's 'sexual urge' forced him to capture her into a harsh kiss, her voice releasing shocked but contempt moans.

"_Whenever blue tear drops are fallin'  
And my emotional stability is leavin' me  
There is something I can do  
I can get on the telephone and call you up, baby"_

"_Honey, I know you'll be there to relieve me  
The love you give to me will free me  
If you don't know the thing you're dealing  
Ooh, I can tell you darling, that it's sexual healing"_

"_**Get up, get up, get up, get up  
**__Let's make love tonight_

_**Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up  
**__Coz you do it right"_

What we also didn't see, Thank God, was the fact that their movements became possessive and animalistic, the creaking of the bed speeding its pace.

Now the rest of the night ended with a song and two very pleased Akatsuki members lying upon their mattress, cuddled and satisfied underneath the warm futon, slowly drifting to a sweet sleep.

**:**

"So how are you Konan?"

"Fine, thank you"

"Anything interesting happen to you yesterday?" Quia enquired.

"No"

"You sure?" I questioned.

"Positive"

"Hm, well. Okay then"

"Yeah, oh well" Quia repeated.

"I guess we should start searching for people to terrorise"

"Yeah, and I never did my story!"

"Well, Konan got her 'sexual healing'" I teased, the very woman we were talking about staring at us, thinking 'how did you know?' but we both sniggered and walked away, humming the chorus of the very song we sang to them.

It wasn't much of revenge, but it certainly made me feel better about cleaning today.

-

**Replies **

**No-Idea-For-A-Name:** We are so grateful you love our fan fiction, but we're sorry! We can't put in another character. We've already planned and agreed who our saviour would be and how everything would work out and if we add another, it would throw the whole story out of wack! I am so sorry, please forgive us. But if we find the opportunity, we will find a way to add your character. Please enjoy, we dedicate this chappy to ya and all the readers!


	7. The Mystery of the Missing Cookies

**The Mystery ****and Vengeance of the Missing Cookie**

Deep Inhale.

"Mmmm" was the sound that escaped every Akatsuki member's lips. Someone was baking. And who was the one and only person in their lair, capable of making the heartless criminal's mouths water? Me! Of course!

Chocolate chip cookies were cooking in the oven. Each biscuit the size of my hand, one for each of my babies. Including Konan. Yes, she makes me clean but hey, I get revenge later on. And as for my song for tonight, I have it all planned out. A more cheerful, pop-like song.

"_Boom, boom, boom, boom! I want you in my room! Let's spend the night __together, from now until forev-" _

"Oh, Mama," Quia's voice interfered, "if you wanted me that badly, you only needed to ask" she sarcastically commented, turning her freak on.

"Oh go away and rape Plant Man" I teased. But her inner freaky just seductively replied in a disturbing nature, "It's not rape if you yell 'surprise'!!"

"EW! Shoo! Go away, you nasty!"

"Oh, don't hate me, coz you ain't me!"

"Who'd wanna be you?!"

"Uh…me, of course! I mean if I were you, then I'd wanna be friends with myself"

"…That doesn't make sense"

"Yes it does. My mind is just too highly intelligent for your puny, little brain"

"Hey! Leave my brain out of this"

"Make me!"

"If you start this again, you know I will win. So you better drop it or I will exterminate your cookie"

That was when she ceased everything, wearing a shocked face, "You dare drag my cookie into this!!! How dare you!!! How do you sleep at night?"

"I sleep like a baby!"

"Well…I hope you sleep not like a baby!"

…

"That…was the most. Stupidest. Retarded. Come-back that could ever be recorded in the books of history"

"Oh shut up!"

"I have your cookie in my oven and I'm not afraid to eat it! So you better respect me"

And then I heard her mumble something around the words of 'don't worry my baby, I will save you'.

"Well, go away. I need the kitchen, and I don't need your idiot atmosphere tainting my babies baking in the oven"

"I'm not an idiot" Papa childishly grumbled, stalking away, "I am a very highly intelligent person!" she immaturely yelled before storming out the doors. But I just murmured, "Yeah…in your head".

I took one more look into the oven and smiled at the smell of cookies and the rush of heat blowing into my face.

"Mm, they're ready", and when I had said that, Tobi appeared from out of nowhere, sitting on top of the counter, kicking his legs cheerfully, awaiting the arrival of his favourite kind of biscuit. The mitts encased my hands as I took the cooked babies out of the kiln and onto the stove, letting them cool.

"Tobi, get off the bench. It is for cooking not your butt. If you want to sit, we use chairs"

"Yes, ma'am. Uh! Tobi means, Elle-chan" he obeyed, sliding off the table.

I smiled at him. "It may take a while for them to cool, so you can go and I'll call you when they're ready"

"Oh, its okay, Elle-chan. Tobi can wait"

And then silence became the key when he just stood there, eyeing the choc-chip wonders. I moved the tray to the left. His facial features followed. Right. Follow. Left. Follow. I rolled it in a circular motion, and he followed. I increased the pace. And he still followed the cookies. Then I started moving it around so fast that it could've made me dizzy.

I stopped and Tobi fell to the floor.

BAM!

My voice just couldn't help but laugh.

"Come on, get up" I said, hauling him forwards by his bicep. And then a huge gush of wind swirled in the kitchen and when I turned, the cookies were missing.

A gut wrenching 'no-o-o-o-o' echoed, Tobi going all dramatic about the misplaced cookies. But I didn't care. My heart made, love filled biscuits were missing. GONE!!!

And there! I saw a trail of crumbs.

"Tobi!" I yelled.

He stopped and stared at me.

"We are going to find and murder the cookie thieves! You with me?"

"Yes Elle-chan!" he obediently cried.

"Okay, let's go!" and with that, I sprinted out of the kitchen following the crumb trail, with my trusty side kick running by my right, "okay, the cookie thief was an idiot to leave such an obvious-"

And before I knew it, the crumbs stopped. _'Damn it!'_

I searched everywhere for any clues. None! DAMN! But Tobi caught my sights when I saw him stick his nose in the air. He took a sharp inhale and sped off down the hallway. He was just like the ninja he was supposed to be. BUT I'M NOT NINJA MATERIAL!!!

"OI!! SUNSHINE!! WAIT UP!!!" I yelled at the path of smoke. Then Goodie Two Shoes popped out of nowhere and practically threw me on his back, dashing away, following his nose.

Now, he was really fast. Like faster than the fastest man on 'Village' Earth. Like, Tobi could whoop his ass in a sprint. Now, the only way I could possibly describe my facial expression, is that in comparison, I was like a seventy year old grandma jumping out of a plane with a parachute strapped to her back. The wrinkles of her face defying gravity. But don't get me wrong, I'm not insulting grandma's, but I'm not exactly wrinkle wonder either!

But I have to admit, the adrenalin was absolutely exhilarating. Just so over-whelming, it was so cool!!!

"WHHHOOOOOOO!!!!" I yelled through the halls, my arms spread out, hands doing the 'spirit fingers', "Look Ma!! No hands!!!"

And then suddenly, my palm met contact with something, creating a huge slap sound, but me and Goodie Rainbow running away.

'_What the hell was that...__? Meh, oh well'_

Then, all of a sudden, a deadly aura was behind us, a glare being shot into my back. I turned ever so slowly, only to see Deidara. Pissed. Mad. With a massive, red hand print on his cheek.

'_Ohhhh, so that's what it was!' _

Reasoning was out of the question when he buried his freaky little hands into his clay pocket holder thing-a-ma-gigies, and his hand-mouths spat out circular thing-o's. Wait a minute. Deidara was the bomb dude, right? …He wouldn't…would he?

And my question was answered when he threw the round pebble at Tobi's feet, creating a huge BANG!

Oh HAAYLL NO!!! "Oi, douche bag!!! I just mopped up that floor!!!" I yelled, a relation to the character 'Brenda' in Scary Movie 3, when the girl in the well dropped a whole hunk of water onto her carpet.

But Deidara didn't care. Even for my tattered floor or Brenda. He just threw the pebbles rapidly, one at a time, creating explosions, making his usual 'hmph' and 'un' and whatever else noises he does when he talks, for every throw.

"Oh shit! GIDDY UP, BESSIE!!!" I practically screamed into Tobi's ear. But it seems Little Miss Sunshine was in La-La Land, because when his nose dropped and saw the furious wonder chasing after us, he released an 'eep' and increased his pace.

"What did Tobi do?!?!" Lollipop questioned loudly.

"I'm sorry, it was me. I accidentally slapped him and- CRUMBS!!!"

There, leading down an opposite hall way, I saw a trail of sparkly light brown and choc-chips. I didn't need to tell Tobi because he was already at it, running down the black passage.

"Get back here, un!!!"

"Noooo!!!" Sunshine and I yelled back in unison.

But hey, this situation gets worse.

Kakuzu happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time with something temporarily and utterly wrong in his greedy hands.

He was counting money.

Oh, you're probably thinking 'oh, I'm so scared'. 'How scary…don't let him count my bills' or something else. But when Mr. Suicide Bomber couldn't control his mouth-hands and threw one of the pellets at Money Man, scaring him slightly, losing his grip on the notes, falling the burning flame below…let's just say 'castrate, murder and destroy Deidara' was moved to the top of his list to do today.

And damn! Did Dei-chan run. He was like 'zoom!!!!' and I was like 'woah' and Tobi was like 'woah' and Kakuzu was like 'roar!!!!' and we all were like, 'running'. Ha-ha, sorry, I just had to talk like that, I couldn't help myself.

But yeah, 'Three Mouths' was coming in first with 'Ka-Ching-Ching-Bling Man' hot on his tail while we were just running behind them, enjoying the show.

But road rage over came Tobi.

You know when it comes to driving, how if you cut off someone and they take it personal, that they cut you right back, and then a whole battle erupts. Yeah, that was what Lollipop was doing.

He just ran, he was first, but then the other two would speed up. Then the cycle would repeat and blah blah blah. Bottom line…we weren't getting anywhere. The cookie thief was still on the loose and we were running around getting nowhere.

But then Hidan found his way into the picture when Deidara remembered his original intension and threw another pellet, ending up in the Old Man's chest. KA BOOM, regenerate and revenge.

But for some reason, Tobi escaped to the outside that I labelled the backyard, ran into this glass house and climbed this HUGE, GIGANTIC tree!! I mean, it was growing past the roof! IT WAS MASSIVE!!!!! And Tobi, along with my self, were climbing it. Deidara followed, throwing the mini bombs, us dodging and not even fazing the thick tree trunk. But Kakuzu followed as well, trying to attack Deidara but always missing. Yet when I saw Hidan not accompanying us I tried searching for him. Extremely difficult too, flying through the air constantly with black smoke and stray dagger thingies getting thrown at you.

But THERE!!! At the ground!! Oh no…

"HIDAN, DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!!!!!!!!!!"

Too late. He had already hacked his way through the tree with his huge, awesome looking scythe.

We were falling, going all slow-mo.

"HOOOOOLLLLLYYY MAAAAACCCCAAAAARROOOOONNIIIIIIII CHHEEEEESSSEEE" my slow voice echoed.

And then 'zoom!!!' We were gone. Tobi unleashed his inner ninja and ran out of that room faster than I could say… 'cheese'?

But god damn. Zetsu entered and saw the chaos of his tree falling, Hidan wearing a really big smile and holding his tooth pick weapon.

And now. All because of my cookies. Zetsu was chasing Hidan, who was following Kakuzu, who wanted to murder Deidara, who wanted to kill me who was piggy back riding Tobi.

Absolutely Marvellous (!)

Ah, the Chaos…

But bam! It hit me. The strong scent of my home made biscuits.

"Left!" I exclaimed into Lollipop's ear.

He obeyed, but it ended up being a door.

Sunshine applied the brakes just in time…only to have the following men crash through, landing on top of each other one at a time.

Everyone was groaning and yelling for each other to get off. I couldn't say jack poop because with all their weight, it was down right difficult to say anything at all! I struggled to get free, but it was no use, they were too heavy.

But then my eyes saw the thief.

"…Bitch…I should've known" I breathed, and that got them to stop.

Curled asleep in the bed, Quia was slumbering under the futon with a bunch of half eaten cookies by her side and its fragments around her lips. That was enough proof for us both, Tobes and I, to show that she was the infamous thief.

The men sensed my killer aura growing around me, because they were backing away.

"Wakey, wakey, princess…It's time to wake up" I spoke, deadly and murderous.

Papa shot up in fear and tried to run. But my hands were holding her shoulders firmly.

I clicked my tongue, "Tsk-tsk-tsk. Calm down. I just want to explain one thing…you stole the cookies…which made us chase, which got the fellas to chase, which ended up with me nearly dying, with you asleep peacefully…correct?"

She gulped and nodded.

"Lemme at her!!!" Tobi angrily and playfully roared, pretending to be restrained by invisible people.

"Oh no, Tobi, don't hurt her!!"

Sunshine stopped with surprise smeared on his face…well mask actually, but the façade was enough to show me he was surprised.

I turned to Quia, "30 seconds… and counting…"

And with that, she bolted out of the room.

"Why the fuck did you let her go?! You know it all started because of her!!!"

"Don't worry, we'll get her..."

"But we could've completed our revenge now" Kakuzu spoke, angered.

"Yeah, Elle-chan!!!"

"Why'd you do that, un?!"

I clicked my tongue again and waved for them to stop talking. They complied.

"I think that my prey on the run. Is much. More. Entertaining…"

Then, with my simple reply, evil grins that sought from ear to ear, was pasted upon their faces.

'_I like the way this bitch thinks'_ Hidan, and the gentlemen thought mercilessly.

"Let's fuckin' go then"

"Ah-ah! She still has 10 seconds"

He grumbled and rested against the wall.

9.

Tobi got up and brushed the dirt of his robe.

7.

Deidara quickly fixed his blonde fringe, preparing his works of art.

6.

Kakuzu grinned underneath his mask.

4.

Zetsu merely sat behind, thinking of murderous ways to 'train' his pupil. Not sure whether in a perverse manner or torture.

2.

I got to my feet and made my way to the door.

0.

…

I exited, a deadly aura caressing my skin, darkness enclosing me and my following minions as we strolled through the door. And in the most cold, vicious tone, poison dripping from my tongue, I toy fully echoed.

"Marco…"

Quia dared not to answer 'polo'.

--

Silence.

Creak, creak, creak.

…

"GGYYYHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!" a female voice screeched.

"Pein, did you hear that?" Konan moaned.

"No"

"I'm serious, I heard something"

"Ignore it-"

"SAAAAAVEEEEEEE MEEEE!!!!!!" Quia screamed, crashing through and distressing the couple and their session of 'love'.

Yet before Papa could run and hide, a hand snaked its way to her collar dragging her out. Dark, hollow, brown eyes of their Maid and her voice "Sorry for disturbing you, we just need to have a _moment_…with this Akatsuki member"

Suddenly multiple eyes appeared from the shadow beyond the door. A truly terrifying sight.

Then, with the sound of Quia's nails on a chalk board, a female cry for help and the disgusting light tap of the door, the couple was left alone once again…their love completely turned off.

Moments later when they were getting changed, they heard another…

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

One sentence.

…'_All because of my cookies' _


	8. Truth or Dare and our Shmookie Poos

**Truth or Dare and our Shmookie-Poo's**

"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

"Heh-heh-heh"

"MEEEERRRRCCCYYYYY!!!!"

"Sorry, all out of mercy…" I cooed.

"GAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!"

"Shut the fuck up and get on with your fuckin' job!"

"Hidan, stay out of this!" my voice ordered.

"I don't wanna do this" Quia whimpered.

"Well, life's a bitch, now get going!"

"I don't want to!"

"Get moving!"

"I hate you," she grumbled, "but I know after this and after my revenge, I will love you again"

"Thanks…I guess"

"Well, I'm waiting" Kakuzu impatiently spoke.

"Shut up! I need a moment" Papa said.

Oh, and in case you're wondering I will obviously take this 'moment' of peace to tell you, fabulous people who are actually willing to listen or read, whatever you want to call it, that Quia (a.k.a – Cookie Thief, Papa, Shit One or Two [Number decision still in progress] and blah blah blah) is undergoing one amongst many punishments for taking mine and Tobi's cookies and making trouble for the other guys.

Her first punishment was to make all the cookies again, but if there was a single flaw, she would have to do it all over again. Took her five batches just to get it right, and that was including my assistance.

Second punishment was to clean up the mess Deidara created with his little bomb thingies and fix up Mr. Tree and the greenhouse. Took forever, FYI.

Third was to clean up the lair but after that, things just got entertaining for us. Yes, I am sadistic, so sue me.

But hey, we were just beginning and her task was to…

Massage each member's feet.

Yeah, you're thinking 'oh, how so terrible' or maybe just 'ew', but the thing is, my Papa has a massive fear of feet. Ha-ha, she does!! Believe it or not, she hates feet. Full of germs and you'll never know where it's been, she says. And I love the punishment even more because the money Kakuzu was counting was the money he got for snagging a man wanted, dead or alive. Take a wild guess as to how he delivered the poor fellow. And so, after all that busy running and sweating and murdering, but the money getting burnt to a crisp and chasing after Deidara…let's just say his feet puts a whole new meaning to 'bio-hazard'.

"I don't wanna" Quia cried, cowering into a corner, whimpering and shaking.

And now was when Tobi started sympathising, taking a seat beside her, rubbing her back in a comforting manner.

But let me just say that begging, crying, whimpering and shaking - combined and coming from Papa, wasn't exactly a good thing so, just this one time, I told them to lay off. And, mind you, I had so much more torture- I mean, 'plans' for Papa. So yeah, my heart was sort of shattered when the reality hit me.

"Is Quia-chan _that_ afraid of feet?" Tobi childishly asked.

"No duh. Of course she's 'afraid'. Terrified, actually" I answered for her, but I think Quia bet me to it when she nodded hysterically, even though her head was between her knees, trying to stay away the nauseating scent of 'Kakuzu toe-jam'. Very disgusting, by the way.

"Don't worry, Papa-chan. Tobi will protect you from Kakuzu's feet"

"Oh my God!!" I squealed, happy for two reasons, one mainly being to change the subject of feet and get my best buddy smiling again, "Tobes just called you 'Papa'!!! Oh, Em, Gee!!!! We should totally come up with a nickname for Lollipop!"

My plan worked when she lifted her face to show a massive grin, growing ear to ear, "YEAHH!!!"

"Uhm, how about we call him…"

"He can be our kid!!!"

"Alright! ...But how we managed to do that, I just don't wanna know"

"Let's call him…Daddy's little boy!"

…Double You, Tee, Eff?!?!

Okay, honestly, I didn't like it. Daddy's little boy?? I was thinking we could call him Son, or Sonny Sunshine or something, but hey, it was Quia's moment so I might as well go with the flow and let her have this time to herself.

"Alrighty!!" I cheered.

"Ooh!! How about we nickname everyone else!!!"

"I think that's a good idea Shit One"

"Of course it is, Shit Two…Hang on!! Who's who? Am I shit one or two, I can't remember!"

"Neither can I! Don't worry, we can have occasional shifts, 'kay?"

"M'kay!"

"Alright, I have one for Kisame"

"Oooh, tell!"

"Alright, drum roll please" I proclaimed, earning a symphony of banging from Papa and 'Daddy's little boy', who was just observing the show. "The nicknames I have to him are, as follows: Blue Boy, Shark Bait, Fish Legs, Sushi, Uncle Sushi or my recently thought right now, like five seconds ago…Nemo" my voice going dramatic for the last name, showing my finger digits for every calling for Kisame.

And now was my two amigos and the other Akatsuki members turn to stop, stare and just think 'is she stupid, crazy, both or just needs to be put out of her misery'.

"Personally, Nemo is the one I like and on family reunions he can be Uncle Sushi" I grinned.

Now, everyone present, other than my self and Quia, were…well, weirded out.

I don't blame them.

How would you react if you were a 'normal' (pfft, a silly word that has never existed in my vocabulary), anyway, a 'normal' ninja, who had a very simple, normal, pretty funky life, you know, slice and dice and the lot, but then BOOM! Two crazy chicks pop into your life, one being absolutely skinny and currently the new 'Avatar' and the other being a chocolate coloured Mama-Cita, absolutely delicious in every fan-tab-u-lous way, holding a current, un-paid occupation as a maid, who both are completely and utterly insane with NO fear of the blood-thirsty, dangerous-looking criminals…Hang on, I think I lost my train of thought.

_Well, the next train comes in twenty minutes._

Beside the point. Anyway.

"Come on, Quia, get up and stop being such a baby" I said, taking her arm and pulling her forwards.

"I'm not a baby" she pouted.

"Heh, you're my baby"

"Uhhh…goo-goo, gaa-gaa?"

"…Oh My God, I just had a nasty thought!!"

"Oooh, tells!!"

"Not now, not in front of them" I exclaimed, pointing at the audience.

"Ergh, fine. To- Oh My God!!" Quia squealed, meaning that she was either happy, had a fantastic idea or both "I know what we can do!!!"

"Well, you gonna tell me?"

"We should totally have a slumber party!! Like a sleep over!!!"

"Oh Holy Lord of Pizza, that is a marvellous idea!!"

"I know, isn't it!!?"

"But…"

"Oh, you just had to kill the moment right now, didn't cha!"

"Well, who are we going to invite?"

"We can invite everyone in this overly massive and awesome lair!!"

"You serious?"

"More serious than your last birthday"

"Oh. Yeah, and thanks for the stripper" I quoted, remembering the leopard print, shuddering uncontrollably.

"Anytime, sweetie!" she grinned, ignoring the taste of sarcasm in my words.

"You can be an idiot sometimes" I grumbled, but she responded with a 'what' me having to reply 'nothing', instantaneously.

"Well, I have decided that we are having a slumber party tonight!!"

"Yeah, whatever, I have a casserole in the oven, gotta go" I teased, using the fake casserole in that oven as an excuse to avoid helping Quia for the night, like I usually do every other time.

Yet I guess what we realised was that the 'audience' we had, had already left the scene. Going on with their lives. And I planned to do the same!

"Adios!"

"Hey! Don't leave me!!"

"Toodles!" and then, I was gone.

**:**

**Many Hours Later...**

"The hell?!"

"Isn't it beautiful?"

"No! No! Shit no! Hell no! Its…" and my facial expression finished the sentence.

"Gorgeous?"

I raised an eye brow.

"Fantastic?"

The same gesture.

"Sexy?"

Dead pan.

"Awesome?"

"Uhh, well, yeah. But it's just so…so. Do you honestly expect me-"

Papa cut in and said "Yes! You have to!"

"Shut up and let me finish!"

"Yes ma'am" she whimpered falling into a respectful and defeated silence.

"Ahem. Do you honestly expect me, or even the other guys to sleep on that?!!"

She looked at the thing I was pointing to. The 'thing' being a bunch of mattresses she stole from everyone's rooms and planting them on the floor, grouped together creating one huge mattress for everyone to sleep together upon.

"…Yes?"

"I. Think. Not!" I countered, snatching my bed and marching away. But before I could successfully leave, she had grabbed the other end of the object and thus, began our game 'Tug of War'.

"Gimme back my bed!!" I yelled, yanking it my direction.

"No!!" she screamed, pulling it.

"I'm not sleeping there!"

"Yes you are"

"No!"

"Yes"

"Gimme back!"

"Neverrr!!"

We continued this for, what felt like, hours until we got bored and stopped.

"Whatever, keep it, I'm crashing on the couch"

"Yeah, thought so- Hey!! Na-uh, you have to sleep with all of us!"

"No, I'm not doing that, now lemme alone. It's late and the guys'll be coming soon to argue about their beds"

"What the hell'd ya do with our beds, UN?!!"

"Speak of the devil. Hang on, you didn't tell them?"

"I was getting to it! Well guys, we are having a slumber party! And you guys are invited!" Quia cheerfully exclaimed.

"Fuck that shit!" Hidan interrupted.

"For once, I agree with you" I said.

"But. We get to tell stories" Quia whimpered.

"So?"

"And play games"

"So?"

"And eat lollies and play with each others hair and paint nails"

"They already do that, minus the hair bit. Scary, bro…"

I was getting ready to leave, along with everyone else before she whispered "Truth or Dare?"

My body froze.

"Keep talkin'…"

"Humorous, hilarious…truth or dare"

"No boundaries?"

"No boundaries"

"No rules?"

"No rules"

"Everyone included?"

"Each and every living person"

…

"…Bring it on"

And with that, we had found a bottle and an empty spot on the floor.

"What are they doing?" Kisame asked.

"I believe they called it 'Truth or Dare'…" Sasori answered.

"What's that?" Tobi curiously wondered.

"Sit down and we'll tell you!" Quia and I both yelled impatiently.

They did.

"Okay. Sit in a circle"

The men cautiously did as we said.

"Okay, uhm. We'll go in alphabetical order. Okay! How me and Elle play this is, one person spins the bottle and whoever it ends up on, that person has to tell a 'truth' or do the 'dare' that person number one tells person two to do. Understand?" Papa explained.

"Example," I cut in, "if I told you to run around the house screaming 'free cookies', you'd have to do it"

"Or if we asked you 'who took your first', you'd have to answer". I smacked the back of her head, hoping that would at least rid the woman of her need to discuss...intimate...matters, and continued,

"But if you don't do it,"

"Then you suffer one of our punishments"

"Like, uhm…"

"If Kakuzu refused to do our dare, then we would burn his money"

"Yeah!! So. Who's going to play? It's really fun!"

"Or are you guys too much of a chicken-shit to play with us?"

And then, with that last remark, it was 'hook, line and sinker'.

"Alright, so Papa said we were going alphabetical so…A, B, C…Deidara! You go first!"

"Okay, un"

Blondie then span the bottle and it landed upon Hidan.

"Okay, and this is when Ninja number one asks Ninja number two, 'truth or dare'"

"I pick dare. Unlike you other fuckin' pussies"

"Alrighty then. And now, you Deidara have to give Hidan a dare"

Things went quiet. Blondie was deep in thought but when his face lightened up, he pointed and handed the Old Man little Tic Tac's and practically screamed "Eat these".

Hidan sneered at the suicide bomber and threw them down his throat. But it was after only a few seconds did he suddenly blow up, leaving Deidara in a fit of laughter.

"EW!!!" my self and Quia shrieked in horror, jumping behind a random for protection from the bloody debris and the ugly sight.

"Ahahaha, you're right, un! This is fun!!"

I don't know what happened next but one thing for sure; Hidan was whole once again and was ready to murder Blondie. Yet I quickly jumped out and span the bottle, hoping to stop a battle from erupting, it landing on Kisame and I yelled "Kiss a goldfish!!!" pointing his direction. Funny, it was meant to be Old Man's turn but for some reasoon, my Superman urge kicked in and forced me to save Blondie's life from sheer death.

But oh well. He raised an eyebrow, if he had any, but Quia saved _his_ life when she said "You didn't even ask him 'truth or dare'"

"Oh…well?"

"Truth"

"Aww, running away from the goldfish…uhm…."

"Ask a perverted question" Papa butted in.

"You ask! I give the truth to you!"

"Yaay, okay. Uhh, erm, uhm. Ooh, I know!"

We all waited eagerly.

"Have you ever gone 'second base' with a fish?"

Choke!

"WHAT?!!" I yelled, disgusted at her words. But the others didn't understand. Yet her hand signal was enough to send shivers up their spine.

"No, I have not" Kisame said sternly.

"Are you sure?"

"Positive"

"Only losers are positive"

"You sure?"

"Positive…oh, snap!"

"Ahaha, he got you!" I laughed, but seeing that since I stole the 'truth or dare', with the alphabetical song we found out next had the pleasure of tell the dare. "Anyway, uhm…D, E, F, G, H…Hidan's turn!"

The man span the bottle and it landed on innocent Tobi. But we all went worried for the 'child' when Hidan pulled one of those, 'I-have-such-a-diaboliacle-idea-in-store-for-you

And so on and so forth. Basically, things were boring. These guys just didn't understand the fun me and Quia share. But when it was her turn. I swear; I was more than willing to murder the macaroni out of her!

Okay, the reason? Well, lemme tell you from the very beginning. Not really, but still. She spun the bottle, right? It went to me, right? I asked for the dare, right? She told me the dare, right?

But WHAT she friggin said!!!!!!!

"I want you to kiss him passionately and maybe even sexually!" she cackled, pointing directly at 'him'.

"WHAT??!!!"

"You heard me!"

"Why me?"

"Coz I'm evil and since you've been teasing me and Greenie, I'm going to tease you and Weasel!"

"You bitch; I wouldn't go that far to you!"

"Too bad, a dare is a dare and I remember your code!"

"Don't you even think about it!"

"You're suppose to complete every dare you're given or else I spill the beans about-"

"Okay, shut up, I'll do it!"

"Ha-ha, thought so"

"I can't believe you brought my past into this"

"Hey I'm sadistic, what can you do?"

"It's my turn after this…" I grumbled.

"Remember: passionately"

"Yeah, yeah"

And Quia whispered, "don't forget sexually"

"I hate you"

"Oh yeah, Itachi, you can't reject her either, it's a dare and she has to finish it!"

My eyes saw him remain emotionless but somewhat nervous.

"I'm really sorry about this"

"Hn"

'_That all you can say??__ You evil prick, is that all you can say?! This is my first kiss, you stupid, evil, son of a-' _

"When I get that feeling, I want sexual healing! Sexual! Healing!" the woman taunted.

'_Relax, Elle. Relax, God dammit!' _

Oh God.

I did something I thought I would never do.

To cover Quia's wishes of sexual, I uh…I…deep inhale. Okay. I'm ready.

I placed myself on top of Itachi. Scary, huh? I was sitting on him!!!! Fucking kill me now!! Here I was, straddling a criminal who was in between showing no emotion and murdering me. You have no idea as to how much I hate that skinny, anorexic Avatar lady I call 'best friend', right now.

Okay, 'passion' now. Uhh. Okay.

My left hand caressed his cheek as 'lovingly' as possible, my opposite hand touching his hair. It was really soft too. Hmm, Herbal Essence. Head and Shoulders? Pantene, maybe. Jokes.

Okay…kiss. Shudder. God, I hate you, Quia.

I stared into his eyes, hollow and empty. But when I lent inward, and saw that he was coming closer as well, well, I just thought, 'did he want this?' Did this evil monkey actually want to…you know!! But something flickered and in that instant, I remembered that she didn't ask for a lip contact kiss! Ha!

My lips quickly dodged Mop Head's and went to the guy's forehead. I had kissed him…just not in the way Quia wanted me to.

"Hey!! That's cheating!!!"

"Na-uh!! I had sexually…and passionately…kissed him" I countered, making hand motions with every single 'verb', "now I spin the bottle".

And in that moment, it went to Quia, just like how I planned and wished for.

I took a deep breath and in a clear, loud tone, I ordered "Make out with Plant Man for a full thirty seconds!!!"

"I choose truth!!" she screamed.

"Oh my God, you chicken!"

She stuck her tongue at me but then Pein commanded that we get some rest because some of the others had missions to do tomorrow.

"Yes, sir!" me and Papa saluted.

"We didn't even get to paint our nails…" my partner in crime whined.

"It's alright, there's always tomorrow"

"Light's out!" Konan called, and in the moment, everything went black.

Obviously everyone was in their own little spot on the massive mattress thing, but me and Little Miss Avatar, were still standing. And we don't exactly have night vision.

I heard someone fall.

"Quia? You alright?"

"Hey you know what?"

"Hm?"

"I wish you made us dinner…so then I wouldn't have to come here and EAT THE FLOOR!!!!"

I then heard a bunch of muffled giggles, especially coming from me.

"Oh, found a spot! Nighty night!"

"Oh, night…fine then. Leave me hanging…in the dark" I said but sang for the last bit "all by myself".

I continued walking but when my toes met the mattress, I fell and met the softness real hard.

"Ow" my voice croaked, even though it didn't really hurt, but nevertheless, I curled underneath the sheets and rested my head on the pillow.

"Night, Everyone. Loves you"

"Love you too, Elle" Quia's voice answered to my call.

"Night Elle-chan. Night Quia-chan"

"Nighty Tobi" we both said together, "we love you"

"Quia loves you too, Zetsie-Poo" I teased

"Elle sends you good night kisses, 'Tachi-Wachi"

"You sure you wanna fight this fight?"

"Bring it on, bitch"

"Hell yeah"

"You ready?"

"I was born ready" I confidently spoke, "someone put on the lights"

"Why use lights when I can clearly use fire"

"We're not roasting marshmallows here, Honey"

"…Suddenly, I feel like eating. Can we have some of your famous chocolate pudding? Blancmange, was it?"

"You pronounced it right, but I'm not making it. I've just gotten comfortable and I'm sort of…getting…sleepy…"

"Bitch, make me some"

"No. You going to insult me then there is no way I am gonna make it for you"

"Please?? You overly awesome piece of pound cake, filled with sugar and love?? Please???"

"Mmm, continue"

"You scrumptious, delicious, cream puff-"

"Are you talking about me or the pudding…coz right now, I sound really yummy"

"So are you going to make us some?"

"Oh yeah. I am so going to get up to make something for one person, who is so totally worth my time" I sarcastically commented.

"I never knew you cared"

"Still don't"

"Aww. Why not?"

"Sleepy, I'll make some tomorrow for dessert, now go to sleep"

"Fine" she grumbled followed by the sounds of her rustling the blankets pulling it her direction. But since we were sharing one huge sheet, and she pulling it, me being on the end, guessing that the warmth was taken from me, I grumbled and searched for the blanket.

Instead I felt a chest.

"What do you want, un?" a manly voice groggily said.

"I want to get warm and some rest, that's what"

"Get the blanket then, hmph"

"Quia stole it, lemme go in between, shove"

And with that, I briskly rolled over Deidara and in the middle of him and some other guy who was his neighbour.

"Ahh, that's better"

Blondie grumbled furiously and turned his back to me but to say sorry for taking his warm spot, I gave his back a hug and stayed like that for a while. He was extremely tense but whatever! My apology to you, Sunshine, accept it! I know Quia would.

But I have to admit, he was a pretty nice figure to hold, and let me just say that, that boy was fit. He had the abs, the muscles, the structure. God damn! He was the kind of guy any girl would want to take home to Mother. But then again, I never was the 'fan girl of Deidara' type. Sorry, but I was more of into the dark haired or brunette type. So I guess he can sleep peacefully tonight knowing that he doesn't have a love-crazed loony thinking intimately about him morning, noon and night. (Monday to Friday. And twice on Saturday's. Jokes) Uhh, wasn't talking about me doing that by the way.

"Night, Dei-chan" I teased but he whispered back a 'night' before his breath evened out.

I let him go and turned away, ready to fall back asleep, but then an arm wrapped its way around my waist.

"Oh, fantastic" I sarcastically murmured.

My arms tried prying from Blondie's grasp, but it's just that his strong muscle-ness was doing a fabulous job of keeping me from accomplishing my 'mission'.

"Lemme gooooo" I strained, but then a groggy voice that was breathing into my face said "Shut up, dammit"

"Shark Bait?"

"What did I say about that name?"

"To not use it" I whimpered like a little child who got caught in the cookie jar.

"Hnn…now sleep"

"Can you help me? Princess won't let me go"

"Deal with it"

"Fine then, be a bitch" and with that, I took his advice and closed my eyes shut, "I don't like you anymore" I childishly mumbled, facing my back to him. But my face just got muffled into the smell of Deidara. Manly, of sweat and dirt but the cologne he used made it smell really good. Jeez, I feel like such a perv right now…But oh well. Soon enough, sleep was at my doorstep, ready to take me home…literally.

Speech!

Elle:**Hi all you readers! Uhm, I just wanted to point out. Uhh you know the uhm, intimate scenes, they were NOT my idea! Blame Quia! 'Kay, see what happened. Me and her were discussing chapters and I was going to dedicate one to her and her 'lover' but then she got all macho-nacho and said that if I do that, then she got to do all this to me. I had to accept because what I had for her was really sweet, but then the bitch dumped this on my conscious. **

Quia:** Shut up! You liked it! I know you did! **

Elle:** F*** off! **

Quia:** F*** you!**

Elle:** You wish, Jellyfish! **

Quia:** Not even, Steven! **

Elle:**Anyway, whatever. Just please understand that I didn't exactly wish for the smoochy and huggy-lovable stuff, m'kay? But, in all honesty, I admit that I liked a little bit of the idea. **

Quia:** Ha! Thought so, I knew it! You should be thanking me, bitch. **

Elle:**And FYI, if you honestly think that our real names are 'Quia' and 'Elle', then whoo-hoo! Bam! Shot down. It's not! It's based on us and our personas but our names are like, not Quia and Elle. **

Quia:** But we do use the whole Mama/Papa and Shit One/Two thing. Yeah, but our identities are secret. Like Men In Black. **

Elle: **Awesome movies, but the title is so racist. **

Quia:** You only say that because you weren't in the movie. **

Elle:**Tsk. Whateverrr. Anyway, we really appreciate all your reviews, and we're glad that our stupidity and insane-ness finally made people actually laugh in our society, not stare at us retardedly and think we have something wrong in our heads, when clearly they do. **

Quia:**Mhm, I know that's right. We are so tired of people thinking we're crazy. But we're not though. We just know how to live life to the fullest! **

Elle:**Say it, Sistaa! **

Quia:**Uhh, no thanks. **

Elle:**Ah, kill the moment, why don't cha? **

Quia:** He-he, anyway. Please if you have anything you wanna clear up, please don't hesitate to ask, like how 'No-Idea-For-A-Name' asked if we were lesbians**

Elle:** When actually we are not! No offence to those who are, but we are not. **

Quia:**Yeah, we are like the Hitachiin Twins from Ouran High School Host Club! We act all lovey dovey in public but really, but we just friends or family or whatever!**

Elle:** …Yeah…Well, don't worry, No-Idea-For-A-Name, we didn't take it as an offence. Actually, when we saw it, we were pissing ourselves laughing at each other!! **

Quia:** Ha-ha, true. I was like, pointing at her, saying 'she called you a lesbian' and then she's like 'she called you one too'. And I'm like 'oh…' then I put on a big smile! **

Elle:** Ha-ha, good times. But we're sorry if what we are saying are offending those who swing that way, but please understand, it's funny because it's like someone saying like 'what a lovely, cute couple' when actually you guys are brother and sister. **

Quia:** Or when someone says 'when's the baby due' and the other person is like 'what baby?'**

Elle:** Anyway, about my example, brother and sister…**

Quia:** What!! I thought you guys were dating!**

Elle:** He was my brother!**

Quia:** You guys didn't look related at that time! **

Elle:** Oh my GOD!! **

Quia:**Well, I think we are taking up too much writing and reading time so toodle-loo and please review. Hey! That rhymed!! **

Elle:** A-bee-a-bee-a-bee That's All Folks! **

***Background: Loony Tunes Theme Song***

****SMILE & CHERIO!!!!****


	9. R E S P E C T!

**R-E-S-P-E-C-T!!**

"Oh, thank God! Gabrielle! Gabrielle!"

"Mummy?"

"Honey, thank God you're safe!"

And suddenly my mother had thrown herself onto my body, taking me into a hug, whimpering and squeezing the living daylights out of my system.

"Mom…Mom…choking…not breathing!!"

"Oh! Sorry, Hun!"

"All is good!" I breathed dramatically, "What happened?"

She grew silent. Then yelled, debris of her saliva flying into my face, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN BY 'WHAT HAPPENED'?!?! YOU DISAPPEAR FOR HOW MANY DAYS, REAPPEAR AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS 'WHAT HAPPENED'?!?! I SHOULD- Oh, you have no idea as to what I 'should' do to you, young lady!!"

"Sorry, ma'am" I spoke, hanging my head in defeat.

"'Sorry, ma'am' is right! You damn straight should be sorry! Do you know how worried we all have been?! Goddamn it, I would've sent Scotland Yard after you if it weren't for the fact that I don't even know what Scotland Yard is!!!"

"It's a Metropolitan Police Service that-"

"I don't care!" she yelled at me, her voice shaking and her hands upon my shoulders, note; her fingers were like daggers piercing into my skin, "Just. Please, honey. Please. Don't scare Mommy like that".

And it was then, that she captured me into a suffocating hug. Whimpering little nothings into my ear as I felt a patch on my shoulder going wet with either her snot or her tears. Maybe both. But I guess this could be a form of my punishment for…getting pushed off a platform, a fair distance from the ground, plummeting into a fountain but popping up in Naruto Land without even telling my mother, "Hey Ma! Gonna go crazy at the mall and end up in an anime, 'kay? Don't wait up, alright"

'_I think not'_

"I thought I lost my little angel again" she choked.

"Aww. Mommy. You'll never lose me. I'm sorry" my voice comforted.

And before I knew it, Mum's brunette eyes were staring into mine, expecting a story, an explanation.

"U-Uhh…" my voice stuttered, "I uhm, went to a friends place?"

…

My mother didn't say anything; she just sat there and stared. Shock and something else in her eyes. Murderous intentions, maybe?

"Yeah, uhm, their phone was dead and uhm, they lived pretty far away. So uhh, yeah, her mum dropped me off and yeah. Here I am"

I could tell that Mommy Dearest was about to snap and probably achieve something very violent but it was when I quickly said something around 'do I smell something burning', did the woman suddenly rush out of the room and into the kitchen raging about chocolate chip cookies.

And so I took this opportunity to sneak out the doors and to the outside world, undetected, feeling proud about my ability of copying Mission Impossible.

"Fresh air at last!" I sighed, holding my hands to the air. But my moment of peace was cut short when a high pitched voice yelled in a weird manner, "ELLLLLLEE!!!!!" a huge force crashing my body into a hug, sending my mind past the moon.

"Where the hell have you been?" the voice asked, the grip going tighter and tigher, "We haven't seen you in ages!!"

Oh it was Yunami. One of our youngest sugar-high members. But 'shh', don't say that in front of her or she'll bite your head off. Ha-ha, kidding.

My breathing was becoming hitched and I had only managed to gasp, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you", before I was about to pass out. That was until Jenny came and saved me from my doom, quickly snatching me from Baby Moonlight.

"Thank yoooooooo". My words were stretched when Jen took my cheeks and extended it to an oblivion, her face forming into a frown as she grumbled, taking my cheeks outwards then inwards then pulling it apart like yesterday's chewing gum, "You ever make us worry like that again, I swear…"

"Then don't swear" I countered, in a muffled speech, "you make Baby Jeebus cry".

"Doesn't stop you or Quia, now does it, Sunshine? Now why don't you tell us what happened?"

"I promise, you won't believe me"

She realised me and with Yunami by her side, she waited eagerly, the two girls speaking in unison, "Try me".

'_Well, you asked for it, and plus you guys are my friends and insane so you won't do anything too hectic…unlike Mummy Dearest' _

I rubbed my pain, on the verge of tears escaping as I spoke, "Quia and I were playing Star Wars at the shops with bread sticks before Dave chased us and then we got pushed over this HUGE platform thing" I quickly explained, throwing my arms in the air to explain how 'huge' the stage thing was, "And then when we thought we were gonna die, BAM!" I clapped my hands, making the two jump, "We were in Naruto Land! And it was there that we met Shark Bait, and Mop Head, and the guy who has three mouths and I got dared to kiss Itachi and Quia and Zetsu are dating and… YEAH!"

Dead pan.

They didn't believe me.

Then Yuna cracked up into little fits of laughter, while Jen-Jen giggled, sarcastically teasing, "Oh yeah, and while you were gone doing that, I had hot sex with Edward Cullen in the back of my boyfriend's truck! You don't see me bragging about it"

"Oh bite me, bitch, can't you keep it in your pants this one time? It's true! And I'm not lying."

"Ha-ha, whatever" she murmured, taking my arm, not taking any offence to the name I called her, "Anyway, come on, we gotta go. We're going shopping, Little Miss I-Kissed-Itachi-Uchiha"

"Ergh…fun" but mentally thinking, _'kissed him on the forehead'_.

**:**

Well, we were here. In the mall. Uhm, actually, technically speaking, I was here in the mall. My two so called 'friends' ditched me at a table while they went shopping for jeans or whatever. Yeah, I could picture it right now. 'Do you think these jeans make me look fat?' and then if I was there, I'd tease, 'No, I just think they make you bigger than you already are'. Ha-ha, sorry, I'm mean, so sue me.

So while I was there, all by myself, the memories of my time with the Akatsuki flashed before my eyes. The memories of running, cleaning, laughing, teasing. The moments were short but I still loved them. And now, my mind has harboured special feelings of friendship for the song 'Sexual Healing'.

I missed everyone, and why the heck did I have to come back without Quia? I needed her, like coffee needed caffeine.

My face formed into a sad expression, but just as I could see the two amigos heading my way, something truly treacherous happened. My ex-boyfriend was walking in my direction as well, a few feet ahead of Jen and Yunami.

Derek. Derek Mitchell. The stupid playboy freak that I fell in love with all because he bought me flowers on Valentines Day. Yes, I used to fall easily, but I promise I learnt my lesson. But the thing was, his dark brown eyes met mine and a shiver climbed my spine as he increased his pace. God, what the hell does he want?

"Hey, Elle, how you doing?" he slyly asked, the prick looking me up and down.

"I was doing just fine before you came here" I retorted.

"Ooh, harsh, babe. I have feelings, y'know"

"Don't call me 'babe', m'kay? And I don't give a rat's arse about your feelings alright? Coz you hurt mine in the past, for your information"

"Ah, c'mon Elle, can't you just forgive and forget this one time, babe?"

"Uhmm" I sarcastically pondered, "Uh, I'm gonna have to say 'no', alright. No, full stop"

"Aww, come on, I've changed. You can trust me again, babe"

"Stop calling me 'babe' alright? I have a name, and it serves a purpose!"

"Hey," Yuna interrupted, forcefully grabbing his arm using her insane strength, "You gonna leave her alone?"

"Fuck off, Shortie; this ain't any of your business"

"Hey, don't talk to my friends like that!" I yelled into his face.

"I'm sorry, babe; but I just want you back. I do, and I've changed"

"Oh really, how? Hm? Just paint me a visual portrait of how the hell you changed, Derek"

And he was about to answer in some way, until his girlfriend popped up into the picture, clutching to his arm for dear life as she pushed a sloppy, voluptuous kiss upon his cheek before noticing me and saying, "Derek, who is she? Your…friend, perhaps?"

"Oh, I guess you _have_ changed. Now, instead of playing me and a brunette, you've now chosen a blonde", and in my mind in continued, 'a rather anorexic blonde, not that I have anything against her. In fact I pity her knowing that after Derek gets what he wants from her, he'll ditch the poor girl'.

But the thing is; I guess he wants me back because he never got what he 'wanted' from me in the first place.

"You're a waste of my time, D. Just go away, m'kay? Just do us all a favour and leave us alone"

I went to leave, but suddenly he ripped his girl away from his body and grabbed me in a harsh manner, giving me his glare that, in the past used to scare the living shit out of me, but now only left my thoughts in utter disgust for this prick I used to love.

My voice wanted to scream words that no girl of my age should spout, but instead Jenny flicked on to her Steven Stallone Rambo side and went Muhammad Ali on his ass, as she drove her fist to his jaw, smacking the prick away as his neck made a repulsive crack.

The sight of her brown, red tinted hair flowed through the sudden breeze, her awesome hazel eyes glaring with pure deathly intentions. And in that instant, I swear she was a beautiful goddess in my eyes. I never loved the bitch as much as I did right now. Ha-ha, I'm just kidding, but I swear I was grateful to have a friend like her.

I didn't know what to do, but I took this moment to cower above this useless excuse for a man and said...

"Derek. You. Are a selfish jerk. And you know what? I've found somebody else" I didn't know what to say, but I convincingly lied, "He's tall, got long black hair, red eyes with little patterns, great body and is everything I deserve in life!! I am happy Derek. Without you! ...It's over"

And like an awesome break up movie, I left the sod as his jaw released an obscure pain, with my girls following after me, never being more proud of their fellow sugar-high friend as they did right now.

But what I didn't notice was that Yunami had a tiny plush toy of the 'man I deserved in life' in hand, as she waved it in Derek's face, taunting him before stomping hard on his foot. He growled in a violent manner, prepared to lunge at my Yuna, before Jenny came into the picture and murmured a line from 'John Tucker Must Die' into his face and spoke, "Prime Time Tucker. Hasta la vista, Motha-" and in the place of her swear word, she knocked him right in-between his legs.

One word. Dolphin.

Ha-ha, sorry, just a random moment. But you know how I said that 'Sexual Healing' reminded me of this friendship thing I had with the Akatsuki? Yeah, well, I have another song that will always remind me of this moment right here. The very song playing vigorously through the speakers…

'_R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me' _

-

**(A/N) Derek, not his real name, is a real person, and he is like that, and he is my ex. (Elle's ex). This scenario really happened, I just changed bits and pieces.**

**-**

**Replies**

**All Readers:** Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. We love ya, and we hand out cookies. *Throws cookies to crowd* Please, review some more, enjoy these chappies. But as a note, Quia, the evil bitch, will be ditching me, she's going to Hawaii. *Sniff sniff* and won't be back for like a month!!! And she's not letting me crash in her suit case. (I mean, seriously. I know I have meat on my bones, but I'm not that fat) But I will keep up the chappies as best as I can. P.S – Jenny and Yunami are real people, but I'm not sure if I got their characters right so. Forgive me please!!

**PhyscoticOnna: **Thank you so much for your faithful reviews. Dedicated to you.

**Usagi323:** Ha-ha, awesome!! That is sooo cool. I have a hat like that too; my Uncle got me one just like that when he went to Japan, except I made a few awesome additions and changes! I wore it to the shops and people were just staring. Funny. They didn't seem so freaked out when I wore my bunny ears…

**SakuraEmma29:** Lol, well then, I guess I'm going to have to add more intimacy. I'm sure Quia won't mind, the little freaky thing she is. Well, I was thinking 'maybe I should kiss him, but then again, maybe I shouldn't'. But even though he's 2-D, damn, I was blushing!! Ha-ha and I am developing feelings for that guy, so sue me.

**No-Idea-For-A-Name:** Shouting out for you, my brothaaa!!

**Anonymous Niki:** Thank you so much for your review, you had definitely motivated us to complete this chappie, especially after Quia had to leave. *Cries* I miss her already.

-

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	10. Elle Chan is Coming!

**Elle-Chan is Coming!**

It's only been a few days being submerged on Village Earth and let me just say that this was super-duper BORING! I mean after the incident (awesome super cool incident) with Derek, all I have done here was clean the house, go to school, try and fail to complete my mountain of homework and once done, crash on the couch or bed thinking 'why in the hell did I have to come back?!'

Serious! This was more boring than watching paint dry, or watching grass grow! And that's saying something because I've tried watching grass grow and surprise!! That was honestly some boring and depressing shit. Seeing that my lawn is as brown as the desert the Sand Village lives upon.

And I was really missing the guys and Quia. Well, and Konan, even though she made me clean. And maybe Pein, because he's the reason I'm the maid. Or was the maid. I know I shouldn't be sooking about the whole thing, but its no fair! Quia's probably having a blast with the guys, going crazy and making out with Plant Man behind a bush. Ha, jokes, but still, I think they're bonding right now.

My face goes sad.

Lucky bitch. She has a man, and plus she gets to be his 'partner' (in sickness and in health) and do all those funky couple stuff I really go all 'fluttery' about. Ahh, I'm so jealous. Because I can't exactly say that the 'man I deserve' even knows I exist. And I guess he's cool and alright, but I barely even know him properly. Or even his personality or his hobbies. Yeah, killing people…that's fun isn't it, Itachi?

Yeah, he's good looking, and I always had a thing for the bad boy type, but the fact is; the whole friggin' Akatsuki is the bad type, minus a fraction of Tobi.

I mean, I could say so many things about Itachi's history, but no jack cheese about his personality.

Oh yeah, I can so picture a scenario of me and a bunch of friends.

'_Hey, Elle, so I've heard you've got a man in your life, hmm? Fill us in on details…'_ one of them would investigate.

'_Oh, his name is Itachi. Uchiha. He's got black hair and red eyes and has a little brother and-'_

'_Not that, what does he do y'know? Is he nice? Is he sweet? Does he buy you flowers, is he a good kisser? Does he hug you; have you even got in-ti-mate?' _

'_I guess you've never watched Naruto…don't worry, neither have I'_

'_Come on, answer already'_

And then when I think about it deeply, I'd probably scream, _'Well, I don't even know him! But he's got one hellava good ass!'_

And then they'd smack me upside my head.

Sigh.

Gabrielle, you need to stop this or people'll start thinking you're crazy.

…Then again. Stuff you, Society! I'ma be who I wanna be, you gotta problem with that?? Then, cry me a river and float me a boat, because, Reality Check! The world doesn't revolve around you! Ha, that's right, you heard me! It's not all about you!!

It's about me!

Ha-ha, kidding.

Argh, damn! I'm doing it again! Talking to myself.

My face forms a flat and dead expression.

Y'know what I realise. Ever since I found my crazy enlightenment, my mind has been a personal theatre for me, and I was the only customer. And even more, my facials have been really weird to those who are still, as the scientists say, 'sane'. Example. My mother. One day, when I was dreaming about being in love with an anime character.

Hey! Don't criticise me!! We all know you've done it too at some point!

I glare. '_Don't bother denying it…_'

Anyway, I dream of lovey-dovey stuff and then I just make up a little conversation between myself and my lover. I don't know why, but I prefer NOT doing the whole, 'I love you more' and then 'No, I love you more' and then the love fight gets out of hand and ends with 'Naa-uh! I love you more than you love me than I love you than you love me than' and the list goes on. But do you understand? Sure, romance is key, but c'mon! Keep the relationship fresh! Imagine in five years time.

"I love you more-"

"Yeah, I know! You've told me that a million times! Now go fix me a sandwich"

Anyway, I have had a conversation about Power Puff Girls once. Yeah, I did! And at least I'm honest enough to accept it! But it went along the words of this…

"I'm Buttercup!" he would childishly tease me.

"No, I am!" I would cry, him, knowing perfectly well that I love that green chibi tomboy.

"No, you're Blossoms"

"Ew, no. You can be Blossoms!"

"No, I'm Buttercup"

"Not even…"

"I am Buttercup"

"How about you be Bubbles and Blossoms and I be Buttercup? See? It's two for one!"

I imagine him laughing, "How about this?" he leans in towards me and whispers, "You can be Buttercup… on the day your lips touch mine".

GWAAHH!! I mean, how perverted can my mind get? It could never happen…But come on! I'd kiss him any day, even if BB wasn't on the line. But anyway, it was the expressions I created that made my mother think really awkwardly of me. From straight, to fierce, to hope, to drool. How can she not be scared of me? And when I burst out into a fit of random laughters…that's when she pulls one of those 'I can't believe I gave birth to you' faces.

Sigh.

That's probably why my mum gets so worried about me. And one of the reasons why I have to stop this talking to my self.

BUT IT'S SO FUN!!! I don't wanna stop.

"Gabrielle!! Someone's on the phone!!" my mother's voice called.

"Ka-a-a-a-a-y!!!" I replied, storming towards the nearest mobile and picking it up.

"Yallo's?" I spoke, using a Y instead of an H for my greetings.

"ELLE!!! FLICK THE TV ON!! CHANNEL NINE!!! DO IT NOW!!!"

"Ow, bitch, that hurt my ear!" I yelled, my mother giving me glare for swearing but I quietly apologised.

"Fuckin' put the TV on!!"

"Fine, I will, you don't have to be so mean" I complained at the voice.

And as I pressed the button my eyes grew wide as an episode of Naruto came on.

"I can't watch this!!! I'll spoil it for me and Quia!!!"

"Shut up and watch!! Seriously, something's up!! Watch"

I waited.

And waited.

And it was just showing a forest.

A boring old forest.

"Y'know, if this is some prank, I'm gonna slap you when I find ya"

And then all of a sudden, I ate my words as Tobi popped up on the screen and cutely yelled, "El-l-l-l-l-l-e!! You can come out now!!! You win hide-and-seek!!"

"What the hell?" I spoke.

The view then changed to Hidan, the violent male cursing, "Elle, you better get your fuckin' ass out here right now, before I fuckin' kill you!"

Kakuzu was beside him, countering, "How can you kill her if you can't see her? And if you're gonna murder her then it completely defeats the purpose of finding her"

"Don't you fuckin' start this again"

Then it changed to Deidara, speeding off randomly searching frantically like a headless chicken. And Itachi. And Shark Bait. They were searching too, faster than The Flash. Mop Head's awesome hat was covering half his face, but I guess it was my imagination, because I swore I could see worry and agony in his half expression.

"What the…?"

Somebody must be messing with me. Or. The guys were looking for me…they actually…were looking for me. They cared.

A tear stumbled down my eye.

"I wanna go home…"

I hung up the phone and threw off my pink Winnie the Pooh pyjama's, just like Superman did when he would strip on the streets, and slipped into my Elmo t-shirt, dark navy jeans and my awesomely black trench coat, while throwing on Quia's ebony converse shoes (the one's which I borrowed but completely forgot to return), and zoomed out the house towards the shopping centre.

The only way I thought that the only way I could get back with the Akatsuki, was through that fountain. I mean, that's how I got there in the first place, right? Oh whatever!

I ran all the way and mentally played The Chariots of Fire theme song in my head, while running slow-mo at the same time, earning retarded looks from everyone I passed. One guy even lost control of his car when he passed me. And you know what? Everything just got more dramatic as a light layer of rain poured on me.

How awesome is that, huh?

But I got over it quickly. Come on, I was a bitch on a mission!!

So as I increased my pace, I entered through the sliding doors and entered, zooming up the escalators and stopping at the platform hanging above the pointy tipped fountain. Shit, this is scary.

I hopped to the edge, maintaining balance and I knew I was ready.

That was until my eyes noticed the attention I gained.

An audience and an officer. A really good looking officer, mind you. He had the sexiest light brown hair, undamaged by dye with a light tan, not as deep as mine, with the most drop-dead gorgeous blue eyes. And the guy was staring into my pupils, yelling words for me to get off.

I screamed, "No!"

And he bargained, "I don't know what happened to you, but I'm sure we can figure this out"

I mentally _'Ooh' _ed. My heart was pounding and this notice I had gained was bloody exhilarating. I've never been so popular. And he was talking to me like we were friends. So I guess this is what it feels like when someone robs a bank, gets caught, holds people hostage but to only earn negotiators on the phone saying, 'you'll get your money. Just let the people go'.

He thought I was going to commit suicide. God, I'm not that type of girl! Therefore, just for a little fun, to toy with the moron, I said in a scared, depressed but loud tone, "No one can help me!!"

"Yes, we can"

"No, you can't!!" I wailed, faking tears, keeping balance on the rail but burying my face in my hands.

"YES!!" his voice was strong, "We can, and we will. We'll do it together!!"

My mind thought naughtily at his words 'do it together'. He-he, yes please. With your looks I'm willing to make an exception. Ha-ha, my hormones always turn on at the most inappropriate of times. But I kept my acting skills up as I shrieked, "No! They won't let Timmy go. I want my Timmy the Teddy-Bear back!"

I don't understand why I brought Tim-ster into this situation but as the officer went dead-pan, he continued, "Its okay! We'll get Timmy back!! Just come down"

"You idiot, you don't even know who Timmy is!"

"Yes, I do!" he lied, "He's your Teddy, your best friend!"

My face formed surprise, and then a glare, "So _you_ took him!!"

He was going to retort, until something flickered and he said, "YES! I took him!!"

I gasped. "You bum-hole! I demand you return him to me"

"Well, if you wanna have Tim back you gotta come 'ere first!"

Funny, because I was actually gonna do as he said. Before I had realised just in time that Timmy wasn't real. I made him up. Oh God, I can be a real dumb ass sometimes. But it felt kind of romantic though. His muscular arms were outstretched, ready to catch me and his face was truly happy. I imagined that if I went to him, that he would hug me really tightly into his really good looking chest.

I dreamingly sighed. Too bad that's impossible. He was wearing a necklace with his girlfriend's name 'Nicole' on it.

'_Awww__, someone already claimed him. Damn'. _Then Beyonce's song came into my head. 'If you like it then you should'a put a ring on it'.

Well, I liked it, but I didn't get there in time to put my ring on it.

I then saw Yunami's face and I smiled, before yelling for my fans to hear, "I'm coming, TIMMY!!" jumping backwards with my back to the water-leaking statue.

The translation of my words being, _'I'm coming home'_.

But before I had been transported to another realm, I had blown a kiss and a wink to the officer's ghostly face, as he watched my hand form a phone, me holding the thumb to my ear, his eyes reading my lips, 'Call Me'.

Ha-ha, I'm such an idiot.

* * *

**(A/N) **

Oh my God! I did it!! And I did it myself!! XD Yaay! I'm so glad. Anyway, I really hope you guys like this. I tried my best to add some insanity flavour to it, and as a little hint, I plan on revealing my 'powers' to you in the next chappie!! Ha-ha-ha! Well, you know what, guys? Quia left me a note the minute I posted the last chapter. Cliché, I know but she did it. She told me some personal matters that I'm not gonna tell you (*cough* Good-bye and I'll miss you matters *cough*) and that she's being mean.

Because Quia really likes reviews and she said that I wasn't allowed to update the next chapter until we get at least one hundred reviews. She was kidding, I hope, but since you guys posted ten, I'll try my best to post every ten reviews. Don't get mad at me, but that was what Quia said. DX BLAME HER!!! I had nothing to do with it!! *Runs behind a rock* She's in Hawaii, you can find her there!

But if I finish the chappie earlier than those comments, then ta-da! I will post! :) Like I have been doing for the whole fiction.

* * *

**Shout Outs to People who Deserve to be Mentioned!**

CANARYwolf : No-Idea-For-A-Name : PhyscoticOnna : Twilightaddict131 : sleeping itasaku fan – (Sorry, I didn't understand your comment because the site banned bits of your words) : Its Not My Fault : Usagi 323 : narutobaby808 : Niki

To all readers. I love you!! :) And if you're a female, then in a non-gay way. Please review, but most of all, just enjoy and laugh your head off. (Maybe even pee your pants in the process so I can laugh at you.)

- - -


	11. Why, Good Lord, Why!

**Why, Good Lord, Why?!**

I was squealing with utter delight to be back. Everything was back to normal!!

"Whoo hoo!!" I cried, opening my eyes.

Yet that was a massive no-no, seeing that I was floating in the air with the ground looking up at me.

Taking this moment to see where the hell I was, my eyes saw that I was floating in the sky, falling really fast, about to hit the earth with a not so good looking animal dropping awaiting my arrival.

Facing the facts that if I smack the ground, I won't be exactly be able to survive, so ladies and gentlemen, please excuse me as I scream for my life.

"AHHHHH!!!!"

I was nearing closer.

"AHHHHH!!!"

And closer.

"WAAAHHH!!!"

Note: that was me crying.

And just as I was probably around the same height as these massive trees, something absolutely amazingly awesome happened!!!

My ears heard a loud roar as something sharp yanked on the collar of my trench coat, making me go 'oof' as it practically choked the living day lights out of my system. And suddenly, I was slowly descending upon the ground, my feet touching the soil as I fell to my knees, completely scared and nearly crying. Hey!! Don't blame me; you'd cry too if you found out that in only a few seconds that you would die from being splattered like a pancake!! Like a bug on the windshield of my life!!

I sniffled at those facts, wiping away at my eyes as I heard low growling, with the pat of something iron hard and warm nudging my face. I tried to ignore it but the thing that was trying so desperately to comfort me, it got the best of my emotions as I slowly opened my eyes to see…

A DRAGON?! I thought those things didn't exist!!

But, okay, I am going to sound really like all 'educated' and stuff when I'm describing this sexy reptile before me, but no worries, I'll be back to my psycho self soon enough after a paragraph or so. Well, here it goes…

Ahem.

Stuff educated, here it is!

It was like all the dragons you heard about, you know, a horse-like body, instead with scales and tail and wings and claws and paws, right? But it was way cooler!! It was a lovely baby blue and had a transparent like form, covered in a form of a scaly armour that looked like knives- no swords, actually, having wings that seemed like Dracula's only more huge and hard-iron like, claws; sharp and massive and beautiful shining eyes that glittered a beautiful turquoise.

"Oh fuck" I said aloud, mentally slapping myself for my language. I am sorry.

And it growled in contemplation.

"Oh Sweet Mother of Mercy" I whispered, and then screamed, "Please don't eat me!! I'd taste terrible!! Eat the tree!! You'll be more healthy that way!!"

Another grumble left its system, escaping from his stomach, up his (yes, it's a he, and he is a he because I say so) neck and through his teeth as the reptile neared closer to my face.

I squeezed my eyes shut but what I didn't expect was for its slobbery tongue to cover my body entirely in drool. And that was it's tongue!! It was huge. Bigger than me! Now, just imagine how big it was entirely.

"EUGH!!" I groaned, imagining the sight I'd see if I had a mirror. Yeah, a tanned teenager, caked in a thick layer of dragon dribble.

But as I looked into its really big, cute eyes, I could help but melt, screaming like a love struck fan girl, grabbing the reptile's face into a hug as a fraction of its nose was muzzled deeply into my bosom, my arms barely able to hold the entire thing.

"I'm gonna call you 'Ryu' after the awesome ninja from a game I played, and facing the fact that it means 'dragon', which you are one of course, it just suits you even better! Unless you're some kind of mutant rabbit or something…"

It purred and closed its eyes calmly before rolling them, somewhat happy that I gave him a hug, but as I paid close attention, I swear. That dragon was as huge as… uhm, the friggin' White House. Like, it was big! Huge, words can't explain its size. But it was cute. And I wanted to hug it and kiss it, because I always loved the tale of dragons but that would have to wait for later because all of a sudden, I heard a snap.

Our attention was turned to the branches of the gloomy trees and bushes, as I peered over my shoulder with Ryu looking beyond my embrace, not wanting to leave my hug but also on high alert.

Then in an instant, ninja star thingies were flashed my way. I was out there, all exposed with openings. This isn't good. My eyes were scrunched shut but as they showed themselves from the fact of no impact, I saw the sight of my dragon's scaly tail deflecting the attack away with fast and fluent movements.

"Good boy" I spoke patting him, and suddenly, shadows whisked from out their hiding places, running circles around us, as they made a bunch of hand signals.

And before they had managed to trap us in their unknown jutsu, Ryu had roared loudly, almost deafening them and my self (if not for the fact that I had gain immunity thanks to Quia's love for metal and rock music) and as he raised his wings, I was thrown upon his spine, barely missing the harsh spikes in his back before we both whisked to the skies.

I was going to whoop for all I was worth before I heard the dark, deep, seductive voice of my dragon, echoing in my mind.

'_Elle, I have no time, you must listen. The Villages have grown aware of you and your __companion's power. They are aiming to capture you and use you to gain dominance over all the land, I must not allow that'_

"What?"

'_You need to remain safe'_

"You can protect me, can't you? And who the heck are you? Where'd you come from?"

'_I am you, Elle'_

"Ha-ha, very funny, now tell me the truth"

'_Elle, I am serious. I am you'_

"You look nothing like me, and the last time I checked, I wasn't a massive reptile with the capability of flight!"

'_I am you, you idiot'_

"Ha, you just called yourself an idiot"

'_Oh, God why do I even bother? Listen, I am you! Well, more like your chakra'_

"My what-what?"

'_I am your chakra, you douche bag!'_

"...'Kay...?" thinking how the hell did such a reptile gain such an evil mouth. He probably got lessons from Papa.

'_Li__sten well, hatchling; your chakras as well as your friend's are different. Hers has the ability to be absorbed into the elements, giving her the power to use and bend them to her will, where as yours; your source is limitless; you can bring life to your power. You are basically the Goddess of Life'_

"I can what?!" mentally thinking that my title sounds pretty damn sexy. Goddess. Of Life. Me-yow!

'_You can give life, are listening to me__?!!'_ my dragon roared, quickly jolting its wings as I jumped and landed hard on his back, hurting my butt in the process.

"Yeah, yeah, but this is an anime. Are you sure we're different as you say we are? Like, isn't there some ninja out there who can do what me and Quia can do?"

'_I'm not sure, but when you were about to die, you summoned me to rescue you'_

I wrapped my arms around my pet for a hug and said, "And I love you for it"

'_Hn. But you can also summon and create others__, with your stupid, oblivious imagination. And if you are creative, you can also create an actual being, attract real creatures, shape shift and being the controller of Life, you may also have the power to wield Death'_

"…"

I took this time to squeeze my eyes shut, thinking about something and as soon as my eyes opened, I saw a hot, shirtless anime guy standing in front of me, wearing only a sexy pair of loose jeans, giving my perverted eyes a nice peek at his black boxers as he poured a nice layer of chocolate upon his nice, good looking chest.

I swear dribble was going down the corner of my lips.

"Gwaah!!" I squealed, taking him into my famous 'Glomp no Jutsu', imagining Quia doing the same with me.

That was until he went 'poof' and disappeared, his ghostly fragments, guessing as my 'chakra' as Ryu said it, floating back into my body.

"Awww" I said in a sad tone. But then thinking that I'm letting Quia's sexual desires take too much of a toll on my attitude.

'_You'r__e not mature enough to sustain another body after you've already created me'_

"You could've told me that before I got my heart broken"

He sighed, wondering why an earth he had to have a master like me. But I simply hugged him and said, "I love you, Ryu"

'_Yeah' _my little, well actually not so little, pet grumbled, but all of a sudden, something happened as I felt something going to attack him. So as I somehow morphed the creature back into essence, floating back into my system, I had saved my beloved dragon from getting harmed by this huge, fire jutsu attack. The fire missing me by the length of my pinky nail.

But that just left me in the same predicament as the beginning of this chapter. Me falling through the sky.

"God, why do you taunt me?" I whispered as gravity took its toll, sending me downwards.

But I guess before I could scream for all the world to hear, someone had caught me in the knick of time.

Yesh!

We had landed upon the big fat branch of the trees and as I cheered, "Thank you", it was then did I notice the familiar face from Naruto Wikipedia, actually known as Narutopedia.

It was the memorable faces of those four people in that group I can't exactly remember the name of. But I do remember the names. Sasuke – Codename: Duck Butt, Karin – absolutely dislike her, but she can be exceptional at times, Suigetsu – I think that's his name and Juugo, who I find totally and utterly cute and adorable.

And it was my lucky day because Juugo was the one holding me in his big, steroid arms.

"You're welcome" his voice said, and I was just all smiles right there at that moment.

But I guess I should just spare him some innocence as I said, "You can put me down now" and the guy did it, earning my happiness.

"Aww, thank you, Sweetie Pie" I casually said, feeling him tense at that nickname for him.

"Ooh, Juugo, looks like you've got yourself a little girlfriend" a voice cooed, and then I spotted the shark toothed male sitting giddy with a sword adorning his back.

And to be a tease, I grabbed his arm, the only thing being remotely available seeing that he was tall as, and hugged it, squealing like a pissy, love infested, teenager, using a tone that so wasn't me, and said "Yep, me and Juugie-chan have been so romantically lovey-dovey, for a whole…ooh, I'm gonna have to say" I looked at my wrist, then going completely dead pan and uninterested, I let go and placed a hand on my hip, finishing with my normal tone, "A whole two minutes".

"Ouch, isn't that a bit slutty?"

"You tryna pick a fight with me, hm?"

He flashed a huge grin. "And if I am?"

"Then Lord have mercy on your soul, because after living with Quia all my life, I am gonna shove that tooth pick you call a 'sword' so far up your-"

I went blank when I saw the younger brother of my so devoted lover.

"Duck Butt!!" I screamed, pointing a finger his direction, ignoring the fact that one of 'Sweetie-Pie's' arms had been wrapped around me to stop myself from going utterly non-feminine, whoop-your-ass-style on that Suigetsu guy who was thinking, 'my sword up my duck butt? You... crazy, insane bitch'.

And my eyes were intently fixed upon the vein that was appearing at his forehead. But I guess that didn't matter, because while my emotions went from lovey, to angry, to tease, and now I was missing my little Quia, my Papa, my other Shit, so god damn much.

"Before, I saw your beast. It was like no other." Sasuke said, getting straight to the point, "Reveal the creature to me again"

I glared at him. "No. You're mean, you have no manners and I don't like you"

He shot me the most menacing, evil stare, and he earned my innocent whimpering, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. Actually, honestly, me and Quia like you guys a lot. But it's _her_ I do not like, well, _we_ do not like" pointing at the red haired woman, wearing the glasses and that not so very appealing costume.

She wore a pissed expression, going all Sakura like, yelling "Why the hell not?!"

"It's your clothes!!! I wish you would wear something!! Like, your shorts are covering only your ass! ONLY!! And just exposing yourself like that with your jacket! Dignity lady, please!! Do you have any of that?! You flashing yourself, looking like you all fine and sexual, and it annoys me when you throw yourself on Duck Butt, because it just brings a bad name to us women"

She twitched, probably about to kill me but I continued, "I can appreciate you're prettiness and power, I can, you are a very pretty person, not that I'm going lesbian now, and I'm not exactly picking a fight with the Karin Fans out there (you like who you wanna like, no one will disrespect you), but I wish you could cover up because you will catch a cold like that and I care for my fellow females because there are pricks out there who are evil and bastardly and… why am I even bothering? You're not gonna change your... look, are ya?!"

And I think she was about to strike me down, and so was Sasuke, to probably silence my voice and lecture, but in that instant, my Ryu materialised and appeared, yelling out a roar as four-eyes got blown away, the three men retreating backwards as my dragon's big head went to my feet, waiting for me to step on, which I did, and sat happily, saying, "Sasuke-kun" I yelled, teasing at the '-kun', "meet Ryu. Ryu, my baby, say 'hi' to my new friends".

And at that, he bellowed loudly, sending a cold, frosty glare mixed with a frown at the people, watching as the debris of his spit flew onto the shoulder of the tallest member.

"Well, I'd love to sit down and chat with you; tea, cake, the whole shebang, but I have a mission to uphold and you have your hair to fix up, so cheerio!" I smiled, waving like the Queen and speaking in that British accent.

And as I felt the rumble of trees falling to the mercy of my reptile raising his wings, prepared to take off, I screamed to the woman, "Oh yeah, you know what, Karin? I don't like your face. So you better change it before I do. That is, whenever we meet again, 'kay?" forming a fist, inwardly lying and laughing my ass off at that comment but enjoying the murderous expression she was wearing.

"Bye!!" and then 'whoosh!!' we took off to the skies with my pet hiding in the gleam of the sun.

But things just went really retarded because all of a sudden, Sasuke did some funky thing with his hands, making me lose consciousness, my vision going awake and then asleep, Ryu going back into my body, losing my ride, falling once again (I mean seriously!! What's up with me and falling?! And why does my dragon have to disappear on me at the most imprtant of time?) only to be caught (Once again, so annoying but thankful) by Duck Butt, his dark and sleepy eyes staring at me, speaking 'I need you' and my slurry reply being, "Honey, everybody needs a slice of my cake. I'm like a drug. Too bad you won't be able to afford my price, so…Zzzzz" ending with an exaggerated snore, lying my head upon his broad shoulder.

You know, I always wished for this to happen to me. Just not…with…HIM! Like, maybe with a man, 2-D or 3-D, who I actually rendered feelings for, you know?! Come on, Ladies. Agree with me! You'd like to be held in the arms of someone you actually _liked_, wouldn't you? Not that I didn't like him, but, I had my sights already set...

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**(A/N)**

**I'm sorry if this chappie isn't funny. I tried, but I needed to shove my powers in here somewhere. And I think it became too serious, but meh. Enjoy!! Oh Em Gee, Quia called me and she told me the things she's doing at Hawaii, but it was seriously late for me but yeah, I'd endure. I told her about our reviews and my plan, she went 'grr' but agreed and yeah!! She's glad. She goes psycho for you guys.**

**Tell me what you think, and Jenny!!! I have a big plan for you and Hidan. You just have to wait, m'kays? Just be patient with me, my friend. You'll get what you wished for. Patience is a virtue.**

**LOVES ALL!!!! Including you, person who is reading this!! And loves you even more if you review!**

**And again, forgive me if its not funny, but come on, to fit this plot in, I had to get a little bit serious. *Shudder* Serious...the word scares me...**

**Anyway, gonna add randomness next chappie!! Be prepared!!**


	12. That was a Bad Idea

**That was a Bad Idea**

My eyes were closed and my senses felt that I was upon something soft, with a comfortable material upon my skin. Hm, okay, that could be a bed. But it was cold. So like any normal human being, I curled into a ball (that doing no good). And like I would usually do when I was cold and miserable, I'd search for something to cuddle.

Yeah so sue me, I cuddle in my sleep, is that such a sin? Hey, you get an embrace, you feel loved, you get warm and plus, you can hallucinate that it's someone you love (though I warn you, don't molest the creature or you'll get a fist in your face - someone tried that with me, and that's what they got!)

I sought my hand outwards, feeling nothing. I rolled to my belly and continued the search, as blind as ever. Though as I felt something, I grabbed onto it and pull the warm thing to my chest, enjoying the heat I was stealing from it as I held onto the thing like my teddy Timmy, who was obviously non-existent.

The object grumbled as I listened to its heart beats. Very nice, soothing, heat beats. And that was probably when I passed out from the nice, rocking lullaby and the touch of something rolling into me, a strong force gently holding me into a form of a soft, cage-like embrace…Sort of nice.

…

But my eyes had reluctantly awoken when I felt the hold go extremely tight, my eyes opening at the sight of some buffy man with big, light spiky hair, his face going dark and evilly patterned as he whispered murderous thoughts. Ergh, Junior's having a nightmare.

I patted his head, hoping that he could shut up and be more gentle so we could sleep. Well, _I_ could sleep. And as I ruffled at his crown, I stared off to see the group from before all relaxing. Though I would laugh (if it weren't for the fact that I was tired beyond no comprehension) at the sight of Karin sighing 'Sasuke' and cooing at the '-kun', while snuggling into Suigetsu who was just lying there like dead wood.

But what gained my attention was the sight of Duck Butt sitting on the sill of the window, staring out to the crescent moon, then flashing his red eyes my direction, my mind going blurry as to how I swore I saw Itachi.

'_Oh, forget it'_ I thought and croaked, "Ooh, look at you, Mr. I'm-Too-Sexy-For-My-Shirt, lookin' all done up and gangster"

He quirked an eyebrow and I continued, "Anyhoo, while you sit there, posing for the cameras, I'll be resting, 'kay? I suggest you do the same, if you don't, bags will grow under your eyes, and maybe they'll turn into the size of suitcases" _'like Itachi'_, and with a sigh, and the fact that 'Juugie-chan' was sound and normal, I curled into him, he accepting me, as I had barely enough time to assess Sasuke's words of;

"And to think, you could be the harbourer of the Lost Technique"

"Uuwah?"

"Forget it…"

"Mmm" I nod and collapse into the extended bicep of 'Big Guns'.

'_People seriously need to stop waking me up'. _

- - -

I'm in the middle of an awesome dream (He-he, something only I can know) until I feel a painful pinch at my arm, I shoot up, knocking my head into someone's chin, screaming an 'ow' for two reasons and the victim of my attack growling low, staring, no- glaring at me.

I see Karin injecting something into my flesh, before pulling it out. My free hand forms a fist, as I bring it down on the woman, showing her and allowing the woman to relate to my pain as I scream "Why the hell'd ya do that for?!"

She's stunned and hissing, but her boyfriend cuts in and demands, "We have questions, and you are going to supply the answers. The serum she has injected will take its toll upon you in a few minutes, solidifying your co-operation"

And that was smart-speak for 'We've just injected some kind of crap into your system that'll make you say whatever's in your head, that'll happen in say, a few seconds'.

"You guys shouldn't have done that!!" I panic, hyperventilating, "That was a bad idea, you shouldn't have done that! That's not good, it's not good, it's not good at all"

"What the hell are you talking about?" the shark tooth guy asks and I squeal, "My head is like MTV!! If I say what ever pops to mind then I will end up singing it because usually only songs come to my mind before words do!!"

"What the f-" Karin goes, but I whimper, "It's happening…" standing to my feet and cornering myself between the edges of this room we've accompanied.

"What is wrong?" Juugo asks, nearing me with caution but as that question leaves his lips, I scream out a fit of laughter.

They stare at me.

I then quake and huddle in my arms as I continue on about human eating Big Macs trying to eat me, while I'm running away from an alien getting chased by the FBI getting chased by an onion who was about to get eaten by tap dancing spiders.

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to my Insanity. It is what happens in my mind, don't hate me please.

Suddenly, I hear Sasuke saying something along the words of teaching him how to do my whole dragon trick, but I ignore him. He asks again. I don't respond. He repeats and I refuse to reciprocate. And when he yells at me, I stare angrily at him straight in the eye. I take a deep breath, and sing;

"I was gonna teach you my stuff, until I got high!! I was gonna get up and teach you my stuff, but I got high!!"

They all stood there, staring down at me, pitying my soul but also curious to know how I'd finish.

"Now I'm not teaching you shit, and I know why!! Yeah-yeah!! Coz I got high, because I got high, because I got high"

They all went dead pan and listened to me carry on to the next tune, feeling like a Human Ipod as I sang;

"I told the witch doctor I was in love with you. I told the witch doctor you didn't love me too. And then the witch doctor he told me what to do!!" I crooned and they listened subconsciously, jumping when I chanted, "Ooo, eee, ooo, ah-ah! Ting, tang. Walla-walla, bing-bang! Ooo, eee, ooo, ah-ah, ting-tang, walla-walla, bing-bang!"

And as I sang anything that came to mind, the group argued.

"Can somebody shut that woman up before I do!!" Suigetsu yells, with Sasuke sitting as if in meditation, ignoring his surrounds.

Juugo was fast asleep, being more tired than usual, I don't understand why,unbothered by my rants with Karin simply drooling over the 'future-father-of-her-children'.

I turn my attention to him and for some random reason; I fall on his lap, staring wide eyed as I go "He-e-e-y! You've got teeth just like Shark Bait"

"Like what?"

"Y'know, Shark Bait! Fishlegs! Kisame!"

He grabs my wrist and breathes, "How do you know of Kisame Hoshikage?"

"Is that his full name? Wow that is a mouthful. Well, Uncle Sushi is my…uhm. My…my…uhm…my"

He waits for an answer.

"I don't know actually…"

His brows furrow and releases me.

"Uhm, he's the one that took me to Pein. And he's the one that threatened to feed me to Quia's boyfriend. And the reason I got a bruise on my butt"

Suigetsu looks at me with suspicious emotions.

"Hey, it wasn't like _that_! I fell over"

"Yeah right, more like he fell right over you. If a little brat like you understands that"

"Yeah, I do, thank you very much! I am not like that! I may be psycho and insane and say a few nasty things, but I have my dignity in tact! For. Your. In-form-a-tion. Anyway, I am so bored, can we do something?"

"No"

"Can I sing?"

"No"

"Can I dance?"

"No"

"Can I go?"

"No"

"Can I have cake?"

"No" he hisses through his teeth.

"Can I have something to drink?"

"No!"

"Can I have something to eat?"

"No!!"

"Can I have you?"

"NO!!! …Huh? What?!"

"Oh well, your loss" I say, slouching backwards, wondering when the hell the effects of this thing would wear off, but I had obviously said that out loud when Karin answered, "You'll know its gone when you pass out"

"Ooh, looking forward to it" I sarcastically smile, clapping my hands.

But I feel a sudden song kick in as I see Big Guns sleeping like a baby and I whisper "I am the invisible man. Ba-num! I am the invisible man. Ba-num! Incredible how you can…" a long pause is shared as all eyes are upon me, watching as I crawled to the big giant, rasing my hands before bring them down, yelling "see right through me!!" tickling him as he jumped, shocked that my fingers were at his abdomen.

His eyes flash, and I shudder when I get a sensation the he's about to murder me, but it dies for some reason, as he allows me to tickle at his brick abs. Not even fazing the male.

I pout "You're no fun" staring at his hands and I place my much smaller ones in his.

But being random, thanks to the serum, I drag him upwards and scream, "You put your left hand in, you put your left hand out, you put your left hand in and you shake it all about!! You do the hokey-pokey and you turn around, that's what it's all about!"

I hold Gigantor's hands as we continue the dance, singing "Ooooh! The hokey-pokey!! Ooooh, the hokey-pokey! Ooooh, the hokey-pokey! And that's what it's all about!!"

"Okay!! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!" Sharkcakes yells, throwing me to the corner with a loud bang, as I play the sobbing two year old. Half my emotions were sad because I thought he didn't like me, and you know; I may be a sugar high, honey baby, but I HAVE FEELINGS TOO Y'KNOW!!

But the effects of that damn crap injected in me lets my MTV urge take over, me actually trying my best as I hum the lyrics of My Immortal by awesome as ever, Evanescence.

'_I'm so tired of being here__. Suppressed by all my childish fears'_

They look.

'_And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave'_

My emotions go sad.

'_Coz your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone'_

Sasuke notices.

'_These wounds won't seem to heal; this pain is just too__ real.  
There's just too much that time cannot erase'_

'_When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears,  
When you screamed, I'd fight away all of your fears  
And held your hand through all of these years  
But you still have all of me'_

And now, the mood got all dramatic as I remembered my Papa, my other Shit, who loved this song.

I know I shouldn't sob, but she was like a sister to me. And being away from her was really painful because she and I had been through truly tough times. She was my Ying and I was her Yang. That was how we were, and I'm sure, even though we're both idiots, she understood that more than anyone could imagine.

A tear stumbled down my cheek.

Don't judge me, I love Quia. Not like we're gonna start picking out curtains but we were tight. We had a tight friendship. Like, tighter than a crab's buttocks.

The guys are staring at me.

Please God, tell me I just did not say all that stuff out loud.

"Yeah, ya did" the guy with pointy teeth reminds me.

"Oh effing hell"

"Hey. That's not very lady like"

I flip the finger his direction, "Why don't you stick that in your juice box and suck it??"

He was going to come at me with a come-back, but all of a sudden a really retarded joke popped in my head, and the little liquid, 'you're-not-allowed-to-lie' in my body forced me to say it out loud.

"Hey, hey, hey! Ahem, what do you call jail…for a gay man?"

Stare, "What" one of them said and I squealed;

"Paradise!!!"

They didn't get it. But after a few seconds, did they shudder. Me, giggling insanely.

"Ooh, I got another one!! This one, my brother made up, so it goes all to him! And if you steal it without mentioning who came up with it first, then I will dislike you"

"Who the hell are ya talking to, kid?" Sharkcakes asked me.

"No-one. Anyway. There was a camel and an elephant. The elephant says 'why do you have boobs on your back' and the camel replies, 'hey, shut up! At least I don't have a dick on my face!'"

I smile broadly at the sniggers and I finish with one last joke before feeling sleepy "Another one!! And this one is from Quia, she told me this, but I don't know if she made it up! Ahem. What did the guy's ding-dong, say to the condom?"

They stared at me, curious and sort of sickened, but it was Papa's joke.

"Cover me. I'm going in"

"Ew, and you insult me and my dignity!" Karin says, and my eyes go woozy.

"Well, that was something my friend said! And she may be… a bit on the crazy side, but. Yeah. But at least I'm not the type that leans…intimately…on another man who seems to be trying to relax, thavry very muchly. At least I have the consciousness to respect people's space, and intervene with the spaces that need my atten- ah, stuff it. You ain't gonna change, so you're not worth my time so" I stick my tongue at her, "Stuff you, honey bunch"

"Ergh, I am sick and tired of you!"

"And I'm sick and tired of you! But what are you gonna do about it?"

"Oh, you already know what I'm gonna do!"

I stand unsteadily to my feet and slur, "I have seen every Jackie Chan movie three times in a row. You do NOT want me to unleash these bad boyz!!"

She stares and is about to whack me, too bad she misses as I fall out cold, faced down to the floor.

"God, this woman is hopeless"

And I croak, "Not as hopeless as your face"

Snoooooore!!

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**(A/N)**

_Twilightaddict131_**: Happy Birthday! Because you have been such an awesome reviewer (as well as all the awesome review people out there) this for you guys, thank you sooooo very much.**

**Uhm is this chapter funny? Did I try too hard? Is it too weird? Not weird enough? I need to know because I was definitely not too sure about this one.**

**I'm really glad you guys have been so faithful to Quia's and my fan-fiction, we love you so much!!! WITH ALL OUR DEMENTED HEARTS, WE LOVE YOUZZ!! **

***Songs:  
**Because I Got High **- Afroman  
**Witch Doctor** - Alvin and The Chipmunks  
**Invisible Man** - Scatman John  
HOKEY POKEY  
**My Immortal** - Evanescence**


	13. Welcome Home

**Welcome Home**

My face was freezing and it felt as if I was floating in air. I tried to open my eyes. But I squeezed them shut when they lost their moisture in a bizarre instant. My reaction being that I had shielded myself into a… neck?

What the dog shizzle?

I took an inhale and would've giggled at the shiver if it weren't for the fact that I was too busy… perving on the smell of man. YEAH! I said it! I was perving! Well…at least I'm man enough to admit the truth!

I tried opening them again, revealing my sights only slightly to see the strands of raven hair and ivory skin. I didn't need a genius to tell me it was Sasuke. And based on the pressure all around me, Romeo was piggy back riding my self, his arms underneath my buttocks, keeping my body from slipping off.

I feel myself slipping and he jolts me, intensifying his hold on me, his hands gripping at his arms, fingers 'unintentionally' poking at me.

Hmph, horny bum hole.

Breeze.

…Cold.

My arms became wrapped around his neck, the little backwards hug giving me warmth and potentially pissing of the glasses chick, who was glaring a fit into my spine.

Ha-ha, suck on that, bitch.

But don't start thinking I'm liking Duck Butt now.

Pfft, hell no.

He's just my heater for the ride. Nothing more, nothing less.

But I guess I was too dense to notice the growing of emotions taking flight within the Uchiha.

Yet I couldn't help myself when I released a yawn. But it was just somewhat cute when the heat from my breath made 'Big Guns' shudder.

Reminded me of a scene from 'Lion King', when the hyena kept on saying 'Mufasa' and the other hyena was shuddering. I think her name was 'Shenzi'. Cool name. Voiced by a cool lady. Whoopi.

She's a woman with guts, spunk and moxie.

Whatever the hell that is, but I've decided that I've got those three too. And if I have it, Quia has it!

…Uguu…I miss Quia.

However, when a little 'whish' thing rushed past my face, a thread of Duck Butt's hair floating away, I yelled, "Oh my God Soup!" and in that instant, things went all crazy.

We flipped and dodged the attacks, but Chicken Ass was having trouble so he did something I thought I would never see him do. Now, I think that kid had an issue with me, because he literally threw me off him and allowed me to go soaring into the arms of Juugo. But it doesn't stop there.

I was then throttled to Suigetsu, then to Karin, that evil…insert swear word! Purposely bruising my arm as she threw me at the Uchiha like a dirty sock going in the washing machine.

But it just kept on continuing, me being thrown around like last nights meatloaf.

It was a game of Piggy in the Middle. But I wasn't in the middle or even a piggy. I was the ball!!! The bait!!! And the PIGGY in the MIDDLE, apparently the enemy of the group of four was trying to catch me, failing miserably.

"Oof" the sound escaped me as my body smashed against the brick-ness of one of the guys, "I think I'm gonna be sick" but I was once again thrown to someone else.

"Help!!!!" I yelled, and just then, the piggy caught me and WHOOSH! We were gone! With the three left behind glaring at glasses woman who didn't really care for me, or about them losing their potential 'weapon'. Whatever the hell that means…

But hey, I was glad to be gone from them. Juugo was a sweetie and a latent teddy bear but the other three…they just didn't care, didn't like or… whatever. Bottom line: I'm free!!

I looked upwards and in an instant I recognised that venus fly trap.

"Zetsu!!!!!"

His yellow eyes met mine for not even a millisecond before he increased pace.

"Oh my Lord, hello! I've missed you guys!"

"Hi" one voice simply said, but the one I labelled Mr Violent finished, "**Shut up and let me concentrate**"

I pout. "Well, somebody has their time of the month. And its not me"

Mr Go Green glares and says, "**Don't make me eat you**".

I smugly laugh, giving him one of those 'talk-to-the-hand' motions as I snigger, "Save it for Quia, m'kay?"

He ignores me.

But I knew he couldn't contain the tiny vein appearing on his head when I mimicked moaning sounds, using Cookie Theif's voice as I said Plant Man's name, before going 'nom-nom-nom' and nibble-like noises, his face burning up like a camp fire when I could tell he was picturing many dirty thoughts.

Leather… whipped cream… fluffy hand cuffs… Barry White…

Ha-ha! That got you thinking, didn't it? Ha, don't lie.

Yet in mere moments when we were at the cave, my eyes staring at the mat I placed on the ground when I first started cleaning, 'Lair Sweet Lair', I let out a loud cry.

Well.

A sexual cry that jolted the attention of basically everyone in the place.

And it was funny, because it seemed that Zetsu was actually tempted to eat me up like a poor person at an all-you-can-eat-for-free buffet. And even better, Shit Two came rushing to the scene, mad, pissed but when she saw me…happy.

"Elle!!!!!!" she screamed, running to me.

"Quia!!!!!!" I called back, hitting away Greenie, falling to the ground but stumbling to my feet as the Avatar Lady captured me in a huge hug, swirling me around and round as I felt the raw of her cheek against mine.

"Wheeeeee!" my voice called, enjoying the rush.

And being in a huge embrace, Tobi joined us, and I think a few other guys as well. I would've known who though, if it weren't for the fact that my face was smothered in something. Like a material of sorts.

"I've missed you so much" she cried, squeezing me even further.

I was gonna die in her hold, but I didn't care. Not about my loss of oxygen, or my unbearable pain.

I just wanted Quia.

And I'm sorry if I sounded lesbian just then, but she was my best-best-best-best friend. And I'm not saying 'best' because she's great. Pfft, she doesn't deserve that much credit.

Ha-ha, I'm such a meanie.

Nah, but because she's my only friend that has been by my side since the dawn of time. Yeah! That's right! 'Dawn of Time'! Beauty products! They work wonders.

"I've missed you too" I smile, but after what felt like half an hour, she releases me and I stammer, "Have you seen Itachi? I…think. I'd like to… tell him something"

"Oh, he's in his room with someone, but I don't think-"

"Oh its okay. I'll go to his room, tell him and then we can bake cookies"

"COOKIES!!" Tobi squeals and zooms to the kitchen, echoing "You go tell Itachi, and Tobi will get the ingredients"

"No Elle, don't-"

"It's okay, really" I smile, "I'll be quick" and when I finish, I run to his room, the need to get something…I don't know what, off my chest.

And soon enough, I'm at his door, grinning wildly, knocking like a mad man. Ignoring the protests of my double crazy twin.

I mean, what's up with her? I just want to see him, that's all.

Knock, knock, knock.

No answer.

Knock, knock, knock.

No answer.

Knock, knock, kno-.

Open.

Smile.

Glomp.

"I've missed you so much!!!" I giggle, snuggling happily into the… sweaty…flesh.

But it's strange.

I hear…moaning.

And it's not coming from me.

And slapping. And…

I open my eyes.

I'm not hugging Itachi.

It's Hidan.

And he's… blushing.

Wow, that's a first.

And he's naked.

I don't dare to look.

But with my hands against his exposed chest, I can only guess.

And something…

Blush Explosion.

Something…hard.

Was pressing against my inner thigh.

I try to ignore it, but as I look up, my sights see…

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I'm not even gonna say what I saw.

It was just something that my virgin eyes did not have the strength to see.

Itachi's eyes were wider than plates and the girl…who was…under…him. She was just…giving me that taunting stare.

I look down at Hidan and release my unknown emotions on him. Vocally.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He pales. I look at Weasel.

"AHHHHHHHHH!!!!! AHHHHHHH!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!"

I'm screaming like a banshee.

Well hey!

The guy I had potentially, probably liked was in bed with another woman.

And with Zombie here naked, and Mop Head naked and that lady naked… with Hidan and his… Little Mr Jashin against me… and naked… and… Birds and the Bees… and DID I MENTION NAKED??!!!

"AHHHHHHHH!!!!"

I scramble to my feet and accidentally stare at the male unmounting the woman, giving me an unwanted glance at-

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

For some reason, water is going down my cheeks.

"I'M SORRY!!! I'M SORRY!!! I AM SO SORRY!!!" I weep, storming out the door with my hands on my eyes, crashing into a wall in the process, gaining a red and purple bruise, running insanely before when probably about two doors away, Kisame exits his room with a book in his palms, reading intently about 'How to make your own Aquarium'.

I cry like a two year old and as I outstretch my arms, crashing into Fish Legs for a hold, shuddering uncontrollably, my voice breaks and the waterfalls start tumbling down.

He was going to yell and probably hit me, but not in a serious way, but when he notices how terrified I was, his Sharky Senses… sensed my scared emotions, he goes truly worried over me, saying, "Hey Kid, what's wrong?" acting as if I had been here, home, the entire time.

I'm sniffing. But not answering. My long hair trying but failing to hide the leakage from my orbs. And I'm still shivering.

And for every break of my words, it was replaced with a hiccup.

"I-Ta-Chi. And. Hi-dan. Sniff. I. Disturbed. Them. And-"

Hey, well, I'm sorry, but seeing THAT SCENE!!!

I may be a massive pervert, but not so much as to seeing THAT!!!

And having the Jashinist's thingy against… I was scared okay!

And maybe a little broken seeing that my feelings for the partner of the blue man I was hugging, had grown immensely…well, now obviously…just decreasing…rapidly.

"Oh fuck" was all Fish Fillet could say.

He knew what had happened.

And he did the best thing for me, and I was grateful for it.

He went to his knees, him then being a nice height for me as I was imprisoned in his steroid arms, his big, fat hands. Well, not fat. More like lean, strong hands, which were rubbing my back and arms, trying to rid the goose bumps and etc.

'_Jesus, so she_ was _just a baby after all'_ he thought.

But I didn't know that or what he was thinking.

I was too busy trying to either forget or think of something funny to relieve the tension.

I mean, Blue Boy was actually hugging me!! I mean, I was thinking whether I should make a joke out of this, or simply enjoy the moment, or continue the Water Works?

"Don't think about it, Kid. Just don't think about it" he said.

And suddenly, the whole gang rushed from beyond a corner, staring at us both, him comforting, and me crying.

Well, they heard my screams, so their faces were like cops catching the bad guys.

A scenario rushed through my mind.

Like;

'Knock, knock'

'No answer'

'Smashes down door'

'L.A.P.D!!! Put yo handz up!!'

Sorry, random moment.

But imagine if a new guy in the force, fresh from a take away store did that...

'K.F.C, I believe we can fry!!'

Nah, that wouldn't work.

But when the gleam in Papa's eyes died, I knew she had snapped.

Because, well. I don't cry.

Yeah, I don't cry unless something truly heart wrenching or terrible happened and she wanted to know what was wrong.

Everyone did.

Some of them didn't need to use words to express their worry, but I knew they did care.

But one look at the two men; one of silver hair and the other of raven, running towards me, dressed only in retardedly placed robes, their… woman… escaping from behind the scenes, taking a few notes of money and clutching to her rather… revealing clothes.

Well, the picture was pretty clear.

And Quia was not happy.

Not. Happy. At. All.

In a flash, Hidan's neck was in her hands, her eyes glaring and her voice of pure hatred and malice, "Motherfucker. I will make you pay…" Papa's tone sending ice cold shivers up and down his spine, "She had just come back, and you greet her with… THAT!?!! "

Uh-oh.

Shit Two was pissed.

"She may be a maid to you, or maybe an idiot, but SHE'S STILL INNOCENT!!!! SHE STILL HAS HER INNOCENCE, YOU COCK-SUCKING, MOTHER-PUCKING IMBECILE OF A COW!!!"

But as she said truly evil things to the poor immortal, Mop Head had expertly dodged the Avatar Lady's attempt in strangling him too, simply making his way to me, a look of clueless-ness simply reeking off his expression.

Like, he was showing no emotion, but something in his eyes, something unrecognisable was reading everything of happiness, remorse and. Something else. I didn't know what, but it was strong, and yet, hidden well behind his. Cold hearted exterior.

"Elle" he whispered just barely, but that sound just made me scrunch my eyes closed, trying to bury my body into Kisame.

"I am sor-"

"Its okay" I say, "_I'm_ sorry, it's not your fault. I shouldn't have. It's your room, your privacy. Your life. Y-Y-Y-You do whatever you want"

'_Not to mention, _whoever_ you want'_

"Elle, understand that-"

"Fucker!!" Quia screamed, a chair being thrown at the man, but he dodged the attack, "Don't think I've forgotten about you!!!"

And as Papa threw objects from out of no where; tables, photos, doors, glass, teddy bears, even Tobi's plush rabbit toy, you name it, directly at the two men, Lollipop came from around the bend with a bunch of beautiful flowers, shoving them in my face saying, "Welcome Home, Elle-chan, we've all missed you", before then letting out a loud shriek, at the horror of his bunny, rushing to rescue her.

…

"I've missed you guys too" I said, mentally thinking, _'more than you can ever realise'_.

But what I didn't know was someone else had missed me. More than _I_ could ever notice.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

**(A/N)**

**Elle: QUIA'S BACK!!!**

**Quia: 'Sup, Gee! How y'all doin'? **

**Elle: Don't talk like that, you're just embarrassing yourself. Ahem. I have missed you!!!**

**Quia: Yer, yer, whatever, but back to the fic. Sorry if this chick right over there, by the name of 'Gabrielle' had gone too overly serious, but fear not! I added the Hidan-Itachi-Woman bit in hopes of getting you guys laughing or like 'Oh My Friggin God'. **

**Elle: Yeah, I think it worked. **

**Quia: *Evil Snigger* Well, anyway! Loved Hawaii. Lilo was awesome, Stitch had rabies and… there may be some… subtleties with their house. **

**Elle: She blew it up.**

**Quia: With my mind.**

**Elle: In her mind. **

**Quia: Also, we figured out who Shit One is and Shit Two is. **

**Elle: I'm SHIT ONE!!! Yaay! **

**Quia: Yeah, and I'm Two. **

**Elle: Ha-ha, we went first out of three in Rock, Paper, Scissors. And Quia cheated in one point when she used 'Lightning'. **

**Quia: But the bitch had to beat me when I had Rock and she had 'Bomb'. **

**Elle: I thank Deidara for that. *Grin***

**Quia: Anyways, we need to talk fan fictions and geek speak and be crazy and be awesome, so please, if you're a girl, leave a review and compliments, and if you're a guy, do the same. But if you're a ****cute**** guy, then don't be afraid to leave a number so we can get back to you. **

**Elle: Keep it in your pants, honey. She's only joking, People!**

**Quia: No I'm not!**

**Elle: Shush! Okay, please just leave a review, your compliments, keep your insults to yourself and please tell us your favourite part through out this whole fic!**

**Quia: Yep! Okays, we gotta go. See ya. **

**Elle: *Waves goodbye***

**Quia: *Blows a kiss***

**Elle: *Smacks back of her head***

**LOVES! XOXO**

**Especially to:**

_No-Idea-For-A-Nam__e _**:**_ Twilightaddict131 _**:**_ Usagi323 _**:**_ CANARYwolf _**:**_ Vampire Note _**:**_ Niki _**:**_ Thirrin73_


	14. PARTAY!

**PARTAY!**

"Ne, Elle-chan. What are you making??"

"Scones" I said, adding the liquid concoction of beated eggs, vanilla essence and milk to the flour mix, blending it together with my hands.

"What are…scones?" his cute voice asked.

"When they're finished, you'll know"

"Hm, okay" he smiled from behind the mask, and I returned it.

"Elle-chan, what's the matter?"

I raised a brow.

"You don't smile like you usually do"

I waited for him to continue.

"You used to smile like you mean it. Now you smile like uhm…"

"Huh?"

"Like… Kisame! You're all teeth, no sparkle"

"Sparkle?"

"Yeah! Like, when you used to smile, your eyes would light up too!" he grinned from underneath the lollipop mask, but went gloomy, "But now you're all depressed."

…

"I'm sorry, Tobi! You are so right! I'm not my happy self" I cried, taking him into a hug, the remains of the dough being pasted on his robe. But he didn't seem to care. Or maybe he just didn't notice.

"Ha! Tobi knew it!"

I sobbed sarcastically.

"Will Elle-chan tell Tobi what happened?"

I stared into his little hole thingy where his eye stared at me, and I sniffed, "I liked someone"

He turned happy, "Oooh! That's good, Elle! Tobi's happy for you!!"

"So was I. It's just that… just a few days ago… I FOUND OUT THAT HE WAS GAY!"

He let out a surprised gasp, like one of those when you tell you're best friend that they just caught their man in bed with a man and they go 'Oh my God' or 'Oh no he didn't' and all that.

But he simply lent into my face and like sharing a deep, dark secret, his cute voice whispered, "No way".

I sniffed and feeling a bit blonde, no offence to blondes out there, but I went, "Way!"

He took a sharp, surprised inhale.

"Or at least I think he's Bi"

"Bi?"

"Y'know? Bisexual."

"Uhm. Tobi doesn't understand" Lollipop said, leaning his head back a bit just enough for me to realise that if someone walked in on us, they'd think we were making cooking love.

Like. You see, Tobe-ster had his arms around my middle, his fingers locking together at the base of my back, and my hands were around his neck. Covered in the scone mix. And some of the flour had been smothered on his mask and my cheeks. So yeah.

Awkward…

But I answered nonetheless, "Tobi honey. Bisexual is a person who swings both ways"

He tilted his head to the left. My left.

"A person who likes both sides of the coin"

Tilt right.

"A person who likes chicks and dudes, is that simple enough?"

"Ohhh. Okay! Tobi gets it now"

"Yeah, I think that's him"

"How'd you find out that he was… uhm, 'bisexual'?"

My face became dead-pan.

"I went to say 'hi' and probably tell him about how I felt about him, but he just _happened_ to be busy"

"Eugh"

"Exactly"

"Tobi feels sorry for Elle-chan"

"I feel sorry for me"

He nodded.

"So uhm…"

He looked at me eagerly.

"When do you plan on letting me go?"

He went pink.

"Tobi's sorry!" he screamed, shooting his hands in the air, like he had just been caught selling drugs.

"All goods" I smiled, continuing my recipe.

But then Kakuzu walked through and said something about the Leader needing Tobi for something or other, the child like male was eager to serve.

And as he walked away, Go Green leading the way, I saw two upside down hand prints of scone mixture on his back.

"Oops"

If anyone asks, it wasn't me.

And as I finished the cooking, allowing the cooked beauties to sit and be pretty, Mr Big Stuff called me to his office.

Oh God, this felt more intense than watching the Godfather.

I entered, but when I saw Mop Head, I just wanted to conjure up some retarded excuse and run away.

And I was about to do jus that.

Well, before Biggy ordered me to enter in that 'you-get-your-butt-in-here-right-now-before-I-personally-kill-you' tone. And seriously, just when I thought he was just suffering from sexual tension with Konan (apparently not giving him a piece for some strange reason), he was just being a pure…uhm.

What was the word??

Uhm…

Uhh…

Oh yeah, I remember.

A pure asswipe.

I did as he said, and before I knew it, Quia entered the section as well, followed by Fish Fingers.

So being completely serious, each and every one of us being stern, Pein Mastaa ordered, "An undercover mission. You four are going on a mission to retrieve the two scrolls of Unity and bring it back here. Failure is not an option"

Scrolls of Unity?? How utterly cliché and simply… gay. In a cool way. Am I rhyming right now?

"Elle and Quia. You are needed on this mission seeing that the scrolls are located in… romantic territory."

Wow, just saying 'romantic' looked like it took a whole lot out of him.

"You, and these two, need to cross the threshold as… married couples, entering unsuspected, in order to safely infiltrate and capture the two parchments"

I nearly screamed. But not because of the couples. Pfeh, stuff that. But because his face looked like he was about to rip off our heads with his teeth. If that is even possible. He looked really serious, but I don't think it was because of our mission. But hey, I was happy. I finally have something to do other than get captured and clean the place.

"Get in, get out and return"

"HANG ON!!!" Quia yelled, putting her hand out.

Ha-ha, it looked like she was going to break out into a song. 'Stop! In the name of love!! Before you break my heart'. Ha, lovely classics.

Anyway!

"Are you stupid or are you crazy? You can't do this to us?! Especially not Elle!! She just saw something life shattering yesterday… THANKS TO THAT IDIOT OVER THERE!!!"

Papa was furious. And pointing accusingly at Itachi who was still just staring at her, waiting for the woman to continue.

I was going intrude and say 'don't point, you kill fairies.' But it would've murdered the mood and gotten me in trouble with Avatar Lady.

"And you EXPECT HER TO DO THIS MISSION INVOLVING COUPLES!!! AFTER SHE- ahem. Elle hasn't trained, she doesn't know the arts or how to protect herself, unlike I have when I trained with Zetsu. If something bad happens, she won't be-"

"Shut up." Pein said.

Oh no you didn't! Quia's gonna whoop your ass!

"I know that. But that is the reason why she is going to be with Kisame. And you with Itachi."

"What did you just…" she grabbed the man by his neck and started wringing it, "SAY TO ME??! 'Shut up? Shut up?!' You don't tell _me_ shut up, I tell _you_ shut up! And plus!! He's blue!! Kisame is more blue than the sky!! How the fuck can he be with Elle in broad fuckin' daylight?!"

The leader then removed her hands and when she saw Nemo. Well. I did the same, and my eyes were the exact duplicate of her expression.

I have no fucking idea as to how the hell he did it, or even if it's in the anime, but he was human!!! Kisame was human! He was like, tanned. Well, I'm tanned but he was… y'know? He had the skin, not the sharky complexion!! And he- he- he… his TEETH was missing! Like, it wasn't spiky! It was… human!!

"What the hell?" me and Shit Two said in unison.

And in a flash, we were around him, Quia practically tearing his cheeks apart to see where his gills went and if he wanted her to give him a new batch, while I just stared, thinking that this had to be make-up.

I licked my fingers and rubbed at the back of his hand.

…

Okay, it had to be saliva proof make-up.

"Now, you have your missions, you can come up with your own identities. Now get out of my sight" he growled, turning away.

We did what he said, but I knew that Big Guns was pondering on his girlfriend.

Hm.

Maybe she finally got pregnant.

Iunno.

I wish them luck! Raising a child like that.

I don't know what I'd do if I knew I was gonna have a baby. I'd probably wonder who the Daddy is…

DAMMIT!!

I hate you Itachi!! Not really. But still!!

Uguu. Why'd you have to be gay? Or… why'd you have to go freaky with Hidan and that random woman?!

My feet were dragging me to my room. And before I could simply walk in, strong hands had taken a hold of my shoulders, flipping me around for my body to face…

Ah, speak of the devil.

I squealed, shuffling around to run away.

Well, excuse me, but when you see what I've seen, then why don't you just smile like nothings happened, okay Honey Bunch?

"Elle, listen to me"

"Listening and 'listening-willingly' are two different things. Lemme gooo! I'm innocent"

"Listen!" he growled. It was as if he was losing his cool. How strange.

"I promise I won't tell anyone. Well, everyone already knows. But if it makes you feel better I won't say anything, especially about your sexuality"

"What?"

"I mean really. It's okay if you like Hidan. And it's okay that you like that kind of thing, really! I don't care! Whatever floats your boat. If you like that nitty-gritty thing then I won't discriminate but understand that for a straight girl like me who had a crush on you its just weird! Because me seeing you and another chick and Hidan, I don't know, it's just really-"

He muffled my mouth. With his own.

…

"Shut up" he breathed into me, continuing on with his... y'know?

Oh my God.

SQUEEE!!!

Now I can finally notice his big arms around me, squeezing me into his lovely, surprisingly muscular front, and his lips kneading into mine.

Not bad. For a gay man. And seeing that this is… FUCK! Oops. Pardon my language but fuck! He just took my first kiss.

Ahrgh!!

…I just felt like pirate when I said/thought/read/typed that.

And when I raised my fist to punch him, he had merely captured my balled hand. This isn't good. I used the other hand. He caught that one too.

Eff, yooh, see, kay! Spells: F-U-C-K.

And this was really weird.

Because what he did. Seeing that I was shorter than he was. Like… just below his shoulder. Or something. Whatever!

Anyway. He picked me up.

SCARY!!

And was still kissing me.

Talk about multi-tasking.

But he lifted me so high, that when I didn't go any higher, I noticed that. Okay, I know this is so cliché and weird and… well I think, oddly romantic, but bear with me here.

Okay, you know how a father holds a baby. How he holds the infant to his chest. His forearm supporting the baby's bottom, the opposite ligament stabilising the child or keeping it warm?

Yeah, that was me.

Mop Head's arms were under my cushiony buttocks, yes cushiony! I do have an ass, for your information, and it is no flat and non-existent, like Quia's. Ha-ha, yeah, Quia's anorexic. Nah, I was lying. But she is skinny. She's a 'pretty' skinny, but never see her in a pair of skinny jeans, because I swear, I thought she looked like a man.

No offence.

Actually that was a lie. I was purposely being mean.

But since I'm typing, and Quia is going to try to correct it (unless she's too lazy to do it), seeing that she can't write a chapter to save her life - that is why I type, she's probably gonna smack me like a bitch, tease me about Itachi, come up with revenge and that'll just leave me to concoct a chapter with her and Zetsu doing what Mommies and Daddies do when they love each other. And the whole thing starts all over again.

Ha-ha. I am evil!!

ANYWAY! Back to my romantic moment with a bisexual male who just came out of the closet.

Ugh. When I put it that way… I feel so desperate.

Uguu, this feels pathetic.

ANYWAY!

My legs were on either side of his body, the (blush explosion) place where my legs meet pressed into his stomach because his arms supporting me was crushing my body into his. And with his head up heading upwards, mine was facing downwards, our kiss still in the moment.

How long has it been? 30 seconds?

And- Oh my God.

No, no, no, no, no!

Don't do it!

Effing hell!!

Itachi had just laid me on my bed.

His body over mine.

His face staring at mine.

His big hands… restraining mine.

…

Anything else that is mine, that he hasn't taken and… oh. I know something he hasn't taken.

…

But it looks as if he's gonna capture it right now.

AHHHHHH!! Okay I changed my mind!!!!! It was nice at first, but I'm not ready!! You're on TV, I'm 3-D, this won't work!!! I'm not ready to-

He removed his self from the kiss but leant his features just an inch over my self, while his red glaring eyes bore into my own.

And in a low, seductive tone, that made me think… maybe he's not as gay as I thought he was, he said seriously, "You belong to me, Elle. You are my property. Mine and mine alone"

…

Oh great. Now I've been sold like a cupcake on eBay.

And then, thanks to his ninja skillz that killz. He was gone.

Way to go, Romeo. Just leave 'your woman' hanging.

And I don't know when. I don't care how. But at what time I went to my bathroom, rubbing furiously at my mouth, thinking this couldn't have been my first kiss. I saw the trademark he left on my chest.

YEAH! Chest! Not boob. Chest.

It was a purple thing. Small, but… when the hell'd he do that?!

Quia was gonna kill him. Or maybe just me.

"ELLE!! GET US SOME SAKE, PLEASE??" a voice yelled from far away.

Ugh. I guess I gotta cover this up.

I looked around and- Ooh! A scarf! Like those sexy ones that the bad boys wear, and when the wind is blowing, they look super sexy.

It'll have to do.

"WOMAN!"

Hidan?

"WOMAN!"

Yep that's him.

"WOMAN!"

Who the hell is he talking to, he's annoying me.

"WOMAN!!!!!!"

"WHAT!!"

"FUCKIN' GET US SOME SAKE!"

"GET IT YOURSELF!!"

"GET YOUR FAT ASS IN GEAR AND GET US THE DAMN DRINK!!"

…Grrr.

Fat, cushiony ass, mother-

Stupid, idiotic, testosterone-filled, brains-like-his-balls prick. I should… ooh, you have no idea as to what the hell I should do to you and your baby-maker!

I shuddered.

I could still feel his… pork sword against me.

I need another shower.

"GET US SAKE!!"

"OKAY!!!" I screamed from across the lair, mumbling "You stupid, dickless, useless excuses for a man" while retrieving what they wanted.

And when I came to them. I just couldn't believe what I saw.

Hidan was in pieces.

In PIECES.

And not in half!

His shoulder and everything were missing. His arms. Legs. His head was even separated.

I was going to throw up.

If it weren't for the fact that I could see that everyone was intoxicated by alcohol.

Quia included.

"What the hell d'ya do?!" I asked loudly.

Quia sat up and with a few hiccups, she slurred, "we played Twister" pointing at the different coloured circles.

Then Tobi hitched drunkenly "And Hidan-kun cheated"

When'd he get there?

And when'd this all happen?

"Shut up fucker. I won. 'Ey, Love" he called to me, "gimme some of that".

I tried looking for him amongst the drunken bodies, but then when I rested my sights on the yellow circle, he was grinning madly, saying "Sherioushly. Why don't you wear a dress so we can get a nice good look at those fan-fucking-tastic legs 'a yours??"

My face blushed at his comment. He thought I had nice legs? Thanks. But to punish him for being a pervert and making me suffer yesterday, I kicked his head away like 'Bend it Like Beckham', the immortals face slapping into the wall as he was knocked out. But still regenerating.

"SCORE!!" Quia manly yelled, "Elle - One! Hidan - Non existent! Just like his Ballzzz!!"

I sighed tiredly.

She just couldn't help herself, could she?

She just couldn't reject alcohol this one time, could she?

Oh and this is only the beginning.

I will save the fun for you till later.

All of a sudden, a sound box popped out of nowhere, as well as a disco ball, fancy illuminations and a stack of funky music discs.

"Let's get this party started!!" she called, flicking on some music. And then as pure irony, a techno song started playing with the lights flicking.

Everyone was there, and apparently intoxicated. Even Pein was!!

And I was the only one not affected!!

Oh you wanna know why??

My chakra thingy sort of protects me for a while, and it seems that, Quia had harvested a technique. Since she had discovered water, she was of course an 'Avatar the Last Airbender' freak. So of course, blood being close to water, liquid, that Missy had tweaked their systems.

So viola.

Drunken-a-la-Akatsuki. Except Hidan. He did that to himself.

Oh fuck.

No joke, I am telling you the truth. I swear to God, these are the symptoms of what Quia does when she's inebriated. And even worse with music.

She was- Oh no, she was going to do it!

She was gonna dance!

You shouldn't want that.

No joke, she's like the Pussycat Dolls on MTV.

She 'drops it like it's hot', teases guys in her dance and her body just screams to them 'DON'T CHA WISH YO GIRLFRIEND WAS HOT LIKE ME?'

Yet this only happens when she's drunk.

Anything else, nope.

Oh all she needed was a target.

And I knew who that was gonna be.

With all my might, I threw Zetsu directly into her as they were caught up in a weird embrace. But that moment was gone when they lost their footing and he fell on top of her.

"Oh no, oh no, you didn't! You did not just try to pull a fast one on me!"

"**What the fuck are you goin' on about?**"

"Well I am telling you this… Buckaroo. I! Do not! Float that way!"

"**Whuh…?**"

"I!!! Am Bisexual!!!"

Ah hell, I was not expecting that.

"If you wanna have sex with me, yooh gotta buy me something"

Ohhh. That's what she meant.

Pfeh, what a hussy.

Ha-ha, I'm just being mean.

"**I don't wanna buy you shit**"

Potty mouth.

"That's what they all say… Let's dance!"

Ugh. We all know what's gonna happen. She's gonna dance… what I taught her.

I sniggered.

Yeah, I am the reason she dances like a whore. I can do it too. Hey if you hate me and my techniques, then hate TV too. Oh, how about you hate the internet as well! There are the reasons I know how to groove that way. They are my influences! But think about it, can you hate the internet and TV??? Can you???

I know I can't.

I hate that I can dance like that.

But I can't hate my teachers. I can't. And I won't.

Because Michael Jackson helped me with the hip thing. Y'know, the thrust out, and then in. Yeah, he taught me. Not personally, but I watch. And it would be my ultimate sin to hate that man. My idol. My father of Music. My lover. My everything!! Our everything!!

And as a reality check to my life and reality.

He is an inspiration to why even me and Papa are such close friends.

He sang 'it don't matter if you're black or white'.

And me and Shit Two proved that.

Rest In Peace Michael!

Thank you, I love you and this chapter is for you.

I wish I could only tell you I'm sorry for ever discriminating your lifestyle and your nose.

I AM SORRY!

And Quia would like to say that she only wishes for a prodigy as yourself to be reborn and given to us once again.

We love you.

In the name of all that is holy, in the name of your fans.

LOVE!!! Share it, spread it, embrace it, Society.

Me and Quia are changing any negatives about us. Well. Trying. Let's make a better place!

*Your Two Freaks Crying While Holding Each Other* In the name of our GOD! M Jay!

I'm sorry.

Anyway~

Back to our story…

So I embrace the fact of what I can do. But keep it private.

But now that you know, it's not so private.

Oh well.

Shh.

But Quia.

Oh she's a whole different story.

My beautiful creation.

You go ahead and make Greenie get a hard on, you do that (!)

I'll be escaping while I can.

"Elle-chan~" a voice cooed, "What is Quia doing to Zetsu-kun??"

…That just flicked curiosity in me.

I turned. And saw it!!

I'm not even gonna say what I saw, but I knew what I saw, and I knew that when I saw what I saw, I thought I'd pass out.

Only one sentence could describe those drunken amateurs. (That made me want to show 'em how to do it right).

It was like fucking on hard floor.

Just… poorly done that could even make this girl, who has been scarred by the sights of three people actually going at it.

Sorry, I lost my train of thought. I was caught up in my temporary horror of recollection. Ahem. As I was saying…

So poorly done that it could even make this girl want to go there and show those stupid idiots how to properly make love on the floor.

And I would've, if it weren't for the fact that whenever I just caught a glimpse of Quia and Zetsu, just dancing intimately, I just shuddered. I was still sickened by the sight I had seen. Not the two birds. That threesome before.

But the Heavens above were being sweeties as the song flitched to a smooth, slow, romantic song.

"Hey" a voice said, completely sober, "dance with me, yeah?"

I turned. And smiled.

"Sure. I'd love to, Dei-chan"

He ignored the nickname and led me to the clearing, where eyes all fanned on us. One red pair actually glaring.

But it was cute. Poor Three Mouths didn't know what to do.

So I took the reigns as I used the simple, prom night dance.

I stepped to him, and with a gentle grin on my face, I guided his hands around my middle. And the poor thing was so tense. Was that his hands? Were they trembling? How… oddly adorable.

I then wrapped my arms around his neck, our bodies close together, me softly swinging left to right.

I knew Deidara was comfortable with it after a few seconds, but Itachi was not so gracious.

Yet I knew he was gonna bite off his 'property's' head. Because what of what I did. What was it, you ask? I did a relaxing thing, that's what. I rested my head on Blondie's muscular shoulder, cosily melting into his form, my eyes closing as I savoured this moment.

Oh, I would love to do this with Mop Head. To tell him I liked him for the cold-hearted, emotionless, reserved… gay man he was. If it weren't for the fact that I was somewhat terrified of him.

Jeez, am I a baby for being scared of him thanks to '_that'_??

Go ahead, you can tell me the truth if you want. Actually, I want you to be truthful. Just say it!! I won't get mad. I'll just nod my head and think 'I knew I wasn't the only one'.

Although...

And as I nearly fell asleep in the cosy hold, something yanked me one direction. But no worried, my body comfortably fell into place around a taller, muscular, nice smelling body.

Great.

I feel like such a hussy, going from one man to another. If they were women, I wouldn't feel like such a prostitute. But then again. Let's stick with the men. I'm not ready to just… I'm not ready to start flowing that way.

And I think Quia's element bending was actually taking a toll on me, because my vision started slurring with retarded images passing over my eyes.

Yet one event resounded.

I don't know if I was dreaming or not. But I remember telling a dark, crimson eyed shadow _'I love you'_. My feelings expressed entirely in those three words.

But before I lost all memories of the night, I was able to barely grasp his luscious voice telling me _'And **I** love you. For some stupid reason'_.

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**(A/N)**

**Nothing we can say can express how much we love and thank you for your reviews. Over 60, can you believe it?! And I did a pretty long chapter too!! 5'379 words!! Whoo-hoo!**

**We had a celebration night, and some of the drunken scenes we experienced were expressed in this chapter. Trust me (Elle), it was bad. I just lessened it for you. Nothing too hectic happened, but I remember everything because as I recall, I! Wasn't the idiot that decided to drink. Note; I don't drink, at all.**

**But if I don't drink, then imagine the imbecile that does!**

**But ain't I such a good girl??**

**Well, we say thank you. We love you. And please review.**

**And before I pass out from tiredness from spending this whole night; awake, working on this chapter, I just want to say…**

**I love you Michael Jackson. I will miss you, and I thank you for everything you have done for us. Rest in Peace forever. Because you will forever be tattooed in mine and Quia's hearts.**

**LOVE!!!!**

**We will mourn you. And miss you dearly. Please Readers, my love for that man has been dedicated to my profile.**

**If you love him as much as I did, but not in the stalker way, paste it to your profile, add your name, but please leave 'Miss Masquerade' first.**

**I mean, after all, I did cry myself to sleep, and woke up in the middle of the night just to type it. I get some compensation, right?? Please??**

**XOXOXO**


	15. Bad Premonitions

**Bad Premonitions**

In my dreams, I see something that will happen.

There was a battle in the centre of Konoha.

The buildings were nothing but ashes and shambles.

People of the village and ANBU ninjas were all splayed on the ground. Hundreds of them. Bleeding, unconscious and dying. Or already dead.

And hanging in the air above, was not only the stench of putrid death, but I saw Quia and some other shadowed being, both fighting to the death.

With a powerful swing, he sent a kunai into her as I watched it go in and out of her body faster than a speeding bullet.

She flinched, but for some reason, the wound healed immediately, only a patch in her clothing proving that she had been assaulted.

She turned to me, bearing a tortured, wailing expression into my face and at my stomach.

Especially at my stomach.

'What is it?' I wonder, and glancing down to where her black eyes seemed to be glued, I see why she looked so terrified. So scared. So repulsed.

There was a hole in my belly.

My deep red blood stains me entirely, as well as the tree trunk I'm leaning against.

Wow.

This is more intense than the ending of a wrestling match and the disfiguration of someone being cut up to itty-bitty pieces from the Saw Movies.

I analyse the wound carefully, noticing that it hasn't exactly left a mark entirely through me.

It has only pierced a deep wound into my middle with my warm crimson body liquid oozing tauntingly from my torso.

Jesus.

I'm scared.

Absolutely terrified.

And to snap me temporarily out of my fears and pain, someone calls my name.

"Elle…?"

"…"

"Elle?"

"…"

"Elle!"

"…"

"ELLE, ANSWER ME!!"

"…"

Pause.

Shaky gasp.

"I'm here".

"Where?!" he demands with a certain tremble in his tone.

"Here" I watch myself sigh, watching as the identical me turns pale like Frosty the Snow Man on Christmas Day.

Suddenly Itachi clasps my hand after a blind search

Or her hand. But mine nonetheless.

And he instantly notices my condition through blind eyes.

And my pulse is slowing.

"No" he whimpered, sorrow washing over his being.

"Its okay" I breath heavily, trying to consume one more inhale, "I'm okay".

"Why? Why did you do it? Why did you do this for me? For her? For everyone?"

I take a sharp inhale once again. And it kills like all fuck.

My chest clenches as if my ribs and all my internal organs are being twisted into a metal vice.

"Itachi" I try.

He pets the back of my palm with his tenderness.

"You have known me for only a while now. And its pretty pathetic. But nonetheless. You still can't figure out that I-"

I choke on my words, spitting out the crimson shit pouring. No. Dribbling, down my mouth.

And I continue, "And you still can't figure out that I.

I pause at the emotional and physical pain.

"I'm a very stupid person."

A tear rolls down his cheek. Much to my surprise.

"And I'm a stupid person who loves you. And you stupid people"

Man, I never knew that I could be so… corny.

But he senses my pulse dying and mutters a scared 'no'.

"And I'm about to do a very stupid thing".

"Don't do it" he breathes.

My hand shoots to his blind eyes, my palm over his lids.

And with my last ounce of chakra, I return his sight.

And when he opens his eyes. He sees me. My eyes clouded. A loving smile on my face. Limp. Ugly. Hideous. Bloody.

…

Dead.

* * *

My eyes shoot open with horror.

I need a distraction.

?

Something's wrong.

…

EVERYBODY!!!

…

Be quiet.

…

Sorry for the random and rude manners. But seriously. Silence yourselves, please.

Something doesn't feel right.

I mean it. Something. Does not. Feel. Right.

…

I. Can't. Breathe.

Seriously, the circulation of oxygen that was meant to surge through my lungs and pump blood through out my system, or whatever my Health Teacher said about the human body. That process wasn't happening!! I couldn't breathe.

Okay that was a lie. And I'm sorry. I could sort of breathe. But it was haggard and hard, and a weight was crushing on top of me, making it awful difficult to make a simple inhale.

I opened my eyes, but my sights were met with a dimly lit room. It blurred but when my vision cleared, I turned my head to the left and made a sputtered laugh that sounded like 'Pfffttttt!' followed by sputtering sniggers that couldn't be morphed into pure, hearty laughter thanks to the pressure upon me.

What I saw. Okay no joke!

Quia and Zetsu were spooning!!!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!! Oh my Lord, I never thought I'd see the day! Like, Zetsu was surprisingly NOT wearing his little contraption, head-set thing-a-ma-gigie called a Venus Trap or something. They were splayed on the ground and with a blanket sheet over them with Green-chan's muscular arm being wrapped around Quia, dare I say quite protectively…

Ha-ha-ha-ha~! I just couldn't help myself.

I squealed!! Like a love struck fan girl!!

"SQQQUUUUEEEE!!!" I cried happily, clapping my hands together with strain, watching as black eyes peered at me. Shit Two's black eyes.

"What" she questioned in a pissed off tone, "I'm tryna sleep"

"Oh, nothing, nothing" I whispered to her, "You go ahead. Go sleep" trying desperately to contain my screeching laughter, which was dying to burst out and wake up the whole world.

She grumbled and turned, burying herself into her 'man'. Oh my Lord of Space Cheese, it was so cute!! She turned and I smiled like a Cheshire cat as Zetsu opened his arms wider for Quia to move, and when she settled, he merely captured her again into a tight, sleepy embrace. And… oh my god. Did Papa just hug him back?!

So… precious!!! Squueee, I'm so happy. She finally found someone. Lucky bi-yotch.

Yeah, one of you guys'll say that it's just a hug, nothing more. But bullshit! I know my Quia, and the way she "hugged" that dude, I knew that she had it bad. I mean, bad.

Ooh, so delicious.

I wish I had a camera…

Curses. Why do you taunt me, person who ever wishes to not bless me with a camera?

…Oooh! Guess what? The pressure's gone.

…

But my sleepy-ness isn't.

Oh well.

Good night!

Or morning.

Whatever.

But one thing I do know is that I'm trying really hard to ignore my scared feelings bubbling in the pit of my tummy. And the fact that I really don't want to see what happens next in my dream.

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**(A/N)**

Is it good? Bad? Should I stop? Should I continue? Review, I need to know if I should keep this up. Quia's moving houses, but I thought we were still gonna be in contact. But apparently. Some shizzle has come up. So I need to know.

**FOR EVERYONE OUT THERE!**

**SHOULD or I NOT continue this fiction?**

I need to know immediately. And sorry if this chapter isn't to your expectations :( Sorry!!!

But to everyone who commented, please. I need to know your thoughts and…

_THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REVIEWS EVERYONE!!! YOU'RE ALL IMPORTANT INDIVIDUALS TO ME!!! _

_And that includes those who happen to stumble across this fic, I still love your reviews. _

_And to the particular writer who asked 'where do we get our funny stuff from?' Well honey, this is a fusion of stuff we've actually done and somethings we've only imagined doing. Warning: it's mostly things we've ALREADY done in the past. _

_ANYWAY!!_

_(Goes behind a rock and cries at all your lovely comments and at evil Quia's predicament)_


	16. LoveyDovey, KissKiss

**Lovey-Dovey, Kiss-Kiss**

"Why must she die?" I hear a voice echo in the darkness of my mind.

"It's how it's meant to be" a reply informs.

"But she has so much life in her. Look at me, she made me. I cannot allow her to die"

"Ryu. This human has made you soft. And you've only known her for a few days"

"Her memories tell me everything I need to know about her. She is a very important figure to me, and my mother. I don't want her to die, she's the reason I am here. She gave me life. And a name that I can share with pride."

"If she dies, then you will be free. You can do as you wish. As you desire."

"And if someone you cared for died, would you be as happy as you make your accusations seem?"

There is a long pause.

"Ryu. You must understand that her destiny has already been written. She has to die in order for the tale to continue. Her interference and that of her ally has altered the experience and future of our time, and now she must pay. Including the element bender."

"Why? It's not their fault. And what if she was meant to live? What if you're wrong?"

"We cannot change things, Ryu. It has already been depicted. We understand that you feel pity for her, but that pity will be the end of you. And you will just make things all the more harder"

"Please."

"Ryu. She will save us with her sacrifice. It is her decision, you will see"

"Maybe… but I'm not about to let her die like that. I will change it."

"Hey. Ryu! Come back here!! She will die! You can't do anything about that!"

My dragon's voice goes quiet.

And before I wake up once again from a weird night, he says.

"Watch me."

* * *

My eyes curl open from the nice rest.

Well, the sleeping was nice, I have to admit, but the whole other mumbo before was just plain confusing.

Yet to keep me from trying to figure out the 'mental' predicament, I go scarlet when I realise that someone is holding me. Really, really close too, now that I think about it more intently.

My sights shift with my cheeks getting warmer.

Arms are glued around my middle. And I can feel someone's breath beating down upon the top of my crown with the owner's chin resting right on my head.

I gulp. And at the same time, I inhale and instantly notice Itachi's manly aroma.

It smells nice.

My back is smothered into his chest and with my arms buried in my front; I can't pry away from him.

My innocence tells me to scream 'rape'.

My rational side says to simply crawl away and never speak of the incident again.

But my cheeky side tells me to snuggle and make the most of it.

And… then my perverted side is whispering seductive ideas to my brain involving passionate… yeah you get the idea.

But you DO NOT want to know what my M rated side is asking. No, ordering- me to do.

But sorry folks. Rational gets the vote.

So I try to roll.

But I end up looking like a tomato with hair when Mop Head simply holds me closer.

If that's even logically possible.

But he does it, and then does something that made me turn five hundred different shades of red.

He planted a kiss on the exposed flesh of my neck!

Oh my lord.

For some reason. This reminds me of the time I was on Youtube and I watched an interview with Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson on the Tyra Show.

Ha-ha, I giggled like I was crack when she asked Rob to bite her! That, and I also did spout a string of curses which basically called her a lucky.

…Female dog.

But she was!! I'm sorry for calling her mean things, but she was one in my books for those few seconds or minutes of… luscious, delicious, drool-worthy nibbling.

She got bitten. Or got a hickey from ROBERT!!!

Lucky!!

Come on, agree with me! If a cute vampire was hungry for some of this anime freak blood, or maybe even my, or maybe your, anime freak blood, I'd scream like a woman Tarzan and say 'bite me, bitch'!!

Ahem, pardon me. I had a moment just then. Hope I didn't scare you.

Oh well.

But I'm shouting out that I got kissed by Itachi Uchiha!

So suck my hairy balls!

Mwahaha!!

I'm sorry, I'm trying to joke around.

Anyway, I'm practically paralysed in that position and while I'm playing statue, I can feel Duck Butt Bro-Bro smile into my tanned skin.

"Good morning" he murmurs.

I'm wondering as to where the hell Mister Bad-Ass went, but since I'm not exactly complaining, I mumble a 'morning' before playing the silent type.

He rolls on top of me and an 'eep' escapes my throat as I now find myself on my back, facing up to the S-rank criminal, staring with awe into his eyes while he rests his weight on my body.

Ohh.

So that was the pressure last night.

Hang on.

Last… night…

Last night I got drunk thanks to Shit Two's bending powers and…

I muffle a scream and rip the blanket up to look at my bottoms.

Whew.

I'm still wearing my pants.

But. I can't be too sure.

"Itachi. Did you do anything to me?"

He looks at what exactly made me so shit scared and meeting my face, he answers, "No".

"You sure? Because I can't remember much of what I did"

"I never did anything to you"

Other than the kissing and my shameless dancing on the floor, but I guess he left that out because I certainly did not remember that.

But I just need to clear one thing up that has been egging me at the back of my head.

"Itachi?"

He looks at me, "Hn".

"Why did you kiss me?"

He doesn't reply.

"Why me? I mean, it was obvious before that you could have any woman you desired. And yet. Y'know? Why?"

He listens to my every word, but there is no answer of the sort. Although he does say, "I'm trying to learn"

"Learn what?" my voice inquires.

"I'm learning to love. And… You're different. "

Wow.

That was corny.

Shakespear, he's just outdone you!

"I don't understand… why me?" I ask again.

I mean, a genius didn't need to tell me that he was the type who was shallow most of the time. And told off his brother about bonds and some shit. And that he was a very scary man. So then, why would he want to learn about love if love ensured a bond and then Mop Head would end up being a major hypocrite?

But then again, 'hypocrite' is probably the last of his worries on his list of things to achieve in his life.

But when he doesn't respond, I ask myself the same thing. 'Why him?'

And then it comes to me that I don't even know why I like Itachi.

I mean, sure. I guess I did find him interesting. And he was pretty good looking. And I guess he always piqued my attention, especially how I imagined if only he could, well. Miraculously open up. And I guess I did like him for him and his intentions and abilities. But this man before me was pretty scary.

And odd.

I mean, Itachi?? Caring??? Loving??

Wow, the world must be ending.

Yet when he places his lips on my forehead, butterflies start fluttering in my stomach.

Woah, that felt really nice.

Except it annoys me that he was the only one 'participating'. So summoning my dignity and courage, my head leaves the pillow and I plant a kiss.

On his eye.

Yeah, great aiming, Elle.

But his lids seemed to have gone down just in time and instead of rejecting my movement, he groans. And THAT simply makes me blush again because it was one of those. Really. Adult like. Groans.

Jeez, I should start considering in making my own rainbow of crimson and pink.

But I want to hear the noise again.

Oh man, I'm probably a pervert.

"…"

But I drop a kiss on his temple.

And he sighs.

Then on his cheek.

Sigh.

And to be a tease, I drop one on the corner of his lips. So it wasn't exactly mouth to mouth contact but I still got a shaky, hormonal reaction from him.

Far out, he really is different.

Stuff that, I'm different!! I don't usually kiss like this, especially with a cute character from an anime.

This is odd for me.

But I like it.

And I'm sure he likes it.

And then when I'm about to truly confess my feelings into the next motion, it just so happens that Quia had to ruin the moment when she says, "Damn, I could so go for a threesome right now".

I sputter and stare at her like she had six heads, one of them looking like me.

"Only joking" she smiles evilly, completely not noticing the suggestive look coming from Zetsu.

Well.

Black Zetsu + White Zetsu + Quia = …?

"…"

Ha-ha!

And there was no racism implied in the equation.

But nonetheless, the moment was ruined.

Yet it did get pretty amusing when Deidara roared and Tobi bolted for his life.

"Whuh?" me and my compadre murmur.

"Ah. It happened again" White side said.

"What happened?" I ask.

"Tobi rolls in his sleep" Whitey says, and his twin finishes, "**And he hugs. **You do the math"

There is a moment of silence.

"Ohhh. I get it" I nod with understanding, watching as Deidara leaped, but missed Lollipop by an inch as he ran out and into the hallway, Blondie soon getting up in pursuit.

"Ha-ha, Quia." I say, using her name to get her attention.

She looks at me with a smile.

"This reminds me of the time we tried to eat that guy in the Hotdog costume"

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_**(A/N)**_

_Okay!! I'll continue, but I need some support, m'kays??? I love you guys and thank you for the reviews, you upped my esteem by one million. I'll be good this time. And!!! This is to you guys as apology for not reviewing as much. It was all thanks to your comments. Now you just need to comment more and you'll get another chap. *Wink wink*_

_**Replies:**_

_Zai-chan13 – No, silly :) I haven't been stabbed before. But I know someone who has!! He says it kills like hell. But thank you, you were my first reviewer for this chappie :)_

_No-Idea-For-A-Name – Naww, I'm sorry Numbeh 1 Reader. I'll try to be good, but since Quia may be going, we're trying to have as much time together and yeah. I'm sad, but I will be loyal to 'Two Idiots and The Akatsuki'. Ne, question. How do you like Deidara??_

_5tailedwolfmisstress – Okay, I will continue the story :D_

_akatsukigirl1230 – Did you like the dream??? Was it good or too much??_

_I-love-red-head-ninjas – (Brimming with tears on the corner of eyes) You cried?? Really?? Well, I was so into the mood that I thought it actually happened. How creepy, ey?? But you know what?? I'm glad you like this fic so much. Its awesome people like you that keep my spirits up :)_

_NekoXNana – Awww, you think I'm funny. Thanks, you have just made my day. I seriously thought I was just being an idiot… but meh. I'm glad you like the fiction, I enjoyed your review. And thanks for the luck (Tucks it in pocket for future)_

_Insanity75 – Okay, for you and everyone else, I'll continue._

_Usagi323 – Naaww. Thank you soo utterly muchly._

_Gaaras-little-lover – Okay!! (Puffs out chest dramatically) Thou shalt continue this sugar filled fiction!! Dun, dun, duuun!_

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**_Review Please!!_**


	17. Stop! Mission Time

**Stop! Mission Time**

"Okay, Ladies!!! Let's go!" Quia yelled dramatically with a truly smug grin on her face, "Stop putting on your make up, we've got a mission to do!!!"

And after a few good seconds, we ended up pissing ourselves laughing.

"Bppff-aha-ha-ha-ha!!" I laughed insanely, doubling over and clutching my stomach with Quia leaning over me, laughing just as hysterically as I was, taking dramatic inhales to control her breathing.

"Shut. Up." a voice threatened, only making us cackle even harder.

"Ahaha!! Haaaa!!! Ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!!"

"Oh God, Itachi. You look so… beautiful!!" Shit Two hooted, little tears appearing at the corners of her eyes.

And even though I loved that S-criminal a whole lot more than I usually should, I couldn't help but agree with my best friend.

Itachi glared death at us, but it didn't really matter in our books, because the sight of him dressed in a pretty, pink kimono with hair styled to a womanly bun and a cake thick layer of make up on his face… oh God, it was too hilarious.

And to make us simply burst even louder and harder, Kisame appeared and said, "You ready to leave, 'Shmookums'?" while wrapping an arm around the pissed off Uchiha.

It took every ounce of Itachi's mental stability to not severely murder the blue male and us too, but when Pein arrived, the piercing infested man reprimanded, "Since this is Elle's first mission, I want you to watch her back since she'd be of no use to me dead."

He then noticed the 'pink beauty' staring and greeted, "Good day, madam. Might I say you look beautiful today" with sarcasm lacing his words as he taunted the angry cross dresser. Jeez, who would've guessed that the Leader had a funny bone?

Then we took a further few minutes to giggle at Itachi's predicament.

Okay, well you see. We were ready to go on this mission involving couples, right?

But whoever said that we were going to literally be 'that' kind of couple, hmmm??

Ha-ha, nah. Quia decided that it was going to be me and her, and Itachi and Kisame.

Kisame would be the one wearing the pants. And Itachi would be controlling the zipper.

Ha-ha. That sounds so wrong.

I can't believe Quia had managed to get those two to be the couple on this mission!

He-he-he, I soooo thought that we were going to end up like me and Itachi, then Shit Two with Fish Legs. Ahh, but nay. This selection is waay funnier.

Too bad I had to be the dude in this fairy tale. But I didn't mind.

In my disguise Konan had managed to turn me into a really manly figure. The Blue Bitch, as we have come to refer her to since she likes to torture me with chores and Quia with violent training – had successfully managed to bind my 'fun bags' (as Shit Two has called them), with my long hair left in a cool, manly, ninja awesome pony tail. Like uhm… that dude… Uhhh. 'What's-his-face' from uhm.

"Maximum Ride". Yeah. That manga by James Patterson.

Oh my God. Surprise, bitches!!! It's not a Japanese name!!!

Anyway.

Yeah, hair like the dude named 'Fang' from that manga-book thing-a-ma-giggie.

Go look it up when ya have the time.

I suggest Google. Yeah, Google's amazing.

And don't you dare insult Google.

If you do I swear; I will buy you, sell you and throw away the change if you ever go there!!! B-R-I-N-G. It, suckerzz!! I will whoop your ass like Jackie Chan on marijuana!!

Sigh.

I'm sorry.

Jeez, I'm such a freak.

Ha-ha! Oh my Lord, this is so random.

I suddenly call myself a freak and then BAM! I'm singing a song – "She's a super freak, super freak. She super freaky!"

Ha, you can Google that song too.

Oh my God, what is my mother gonna do with me? I'm obsessed with Google.

Jeebuz. Last time it was OneManga, then it was Veoh and now Google.

Sigh. I won't be surprised if the next one will be…

…

You don't wanna know.

A-a-a-ny way!

"Hey Elle, hurry up or we'll leave without you!"

I snap back from my imaginary realm and realise that Quia was wearing a huge, ugly grin.

Hm, I can only guess that she was witnessing my facial expressions as I endured through one of my mental rants.

"Coming, _my sweet darling_!" I called, trying to actually sell our little 'married-couple-gonna-go-on-a-honeymoon' façade. But when I got to her side and we locked arms, she pinched my side and hissed evilly, "Shut up, _shmookie-poo_, before I permanently render you unable to make children".

And with that, she punched me right 'there'.

So it was obvious that she hated the little pet names I gave her.

"Ooooooohhhhh" I groaned in agony.

Hey, I know I didn't have the 'male selections of the underpants' but it still bared impact, especially from Papa's perverse attack at my 'destination'.

Although as I crouched over, she sniggered and continued walking, leaving me to mumble incoherently, "Bitch, I think you dislocated my vagina".

Yeah.

That's what it felt like.

But just imagine how fantastic I felt when Mr and Mrs Kisame walked past me with weirded out expressions.

Jeez, thanks for the love, guys.

So that left me getting to my feet, following after that evil woman who was cackling at the front of the line.

* * *

"Hello, can we please have a room?" Kisame asked the old receptionist lady.

"Why of course. For two?" she asked, glancing at the beautiful bride of pitch black hair and red eyes.

"No" Itachi intervened in his dude like tone. But realising his mistake he cleared his throat.

And it took a lot of strength for us to not burst into dire fits of laughter when Mop Head finished in a higher, more girly voice "For all four of us".

Note: it was damn hilarious, and his voice broke occasionally.

The lady scanned the 'four'. And after a few good minutes, a cheeky, malicious Cheshire grin was pasted on her face and she said, "Ohhhh. 'That' way, 'ey?", wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

I didn't get what she was getting at.

She chuckled.

"One king sized mattress, hm? For your… uhm. Session." Sending a perverse wink.

What the…?

"No. Three beds. A double, and two singles. Nice view, spacious." Weasel stated.

"Mmm-hmm" she smiled, like a Redtube addicted old man.

"You know what?" Quia said, "Just give us your best damn room. With the lot! We want it to look absolutely marvellous. We don't care how expensive, this guy is paying anyway" pointing at me.

"What?!" I screamed, too girly than I had originally intended.

But before I could say jack shit, the old lady had already booked us in, handing us a key.

"Enjoy~!!" she beamed, her lips curling upward giving us a few good seconds to stare at the wrinkles on her face. But then, we left, leaving the payment to be taken care of later on our tab.

But I heard just in the nick of time as the lady had sighed dreamily, "Lucky children. If only I were seventy five years younger. I'd still be _kicking_".

And a co-worker replied, "Ew, Grandma. Keep your dirty thoughts to yourself."

And let's just leave it at that.

But running up to Quia, I asked her what the Granny was talking about.

Shit Two said "What does 2 + 2 equal?"

"Four?"

"Good. Now. What is another word for addition?"

"Huh?"

She sighed.

"What exactly does math have to do with this???" I asked, raising a brow.

"Okay, bear with me. 'Difference' means to subtract in math terms. 'Product' means to multiply. Now, 'What is another word for addition?'"

"Uhh. Uhm… is it… 'sum'?" I mumbled, wondering where Papa was going with this.

"Yes" she said seriously.

I smiled, feeling proud.

"Now. Put the two answers together" Quia said.

"Uhh… kay?"

"…"

"Four. Sss…"

I stopped myself just in time.

…

"Dirty-minded Grandma!!!"

"Ha-ha-ha-ha~! You're such an idiot!" Shit Two laughed.

* * *

And plonking down on the nearest bed, I practically died on the lovely softness of the mattress, sighing like I was in heaven as I relished in the feeling of finally being off my feet.

I mean, walking ALL the way from the Lair to here?! It was a bloody long walk, god damn it!

But to ruin the moment, someone – I won't be naming names – had decided to start his… whatever it is that made him into such a tight arse.

Ha-ha, and sorry to barge in so suddenly, but I had to use the word 'arse' before in that context.

I mean come on! 'Arse' is a cool word!

It's not 'ass' how you have to nag the 'a' to get to the 'snakes' but when you say 'arse', you say 'arrrrr-sssss'.

Say it slowly with me.

'Aaaaarrrrrr-ssssssssssss'.

He-he. For some reason when I say it, it makes me feel so smart. Hmm, imagine this…

"_Hey, Jackass!" _

"_Oi, douche bag, its Jack-_'arse'._ You arse face" _

"_Oh, so sorry about that, chap. Carry on"_

He-he, it's nice making up new swear words to be influenced on little children. Like… 'dog-wank'. Or 'cunt-face'.

Oh my God, sorry, I'm such a terrible role model.

Ha-ha, I'm going soo over board with the language. Oh, I hope I don't get sued.

Ha-ha, jokes. Like that would ever happen!

…Shifty eyes.

But just in case!!

Ahem.

"As a warning to all the little innocent boys and girls out there…

STAY AWAY FROM THIS FICTION IF YOU STILL WANNA BE A GOOD LITTLE PERSON FOR MOMMY AND DADDY!"

Hm.

I'm rather proud of that warning.

A little late but it still works for me.

Anyway, back to where we were before.

"Don't get so comfortable, you two." Itachi's serious tone stated, "We have to retrieve the scroll immediately. We'll be departing in five minutes"

"Naaaaa…" my bud whined from the floor. Apparently she was too lazy to seek the bed like I had.

"E-e-e-e-lle" she complained, stretching the 'e' note in my name, "tell your boyfriend to have mercy. Ple-e-e-e-ase? I don't wanna move right now".

"Why don't ya tell 'im yourself?" I said, crawling underneath the sheets, probably thinking that if Princess couldn't see me, then maybe I wouldn't have to go.

But then something happened while I curled into a ball, the blanket wrapping me into a nice cocoon.

With Quia's mumbling and 'oh-la-la's', she quickly said, "Come on, Kisame. We're going shopping" leaving the remaining people behind.

Yet what made me go stiff was when she finished the sentence.

"Use protection, children" in a sweet voice, then slamming the door closed.

This wasn't good.

I waited patiently in the bed as the facts clicked in my mind.

And then I felt a weight come down on the bed making me rise slightly, it took me a while to notice that nothing happened after that.

Everything just…

I mean there were no moves after that weight. No touchy. No talky. No nothin'.

…

Jeezus!! I'm such a hussy!!! Do I actually _want_ something to happen?!

That was it. I had to get away. Don't ask me why. Even I don't know the answer. But I just… had to for some stupid reason.

And I started wriggling away like an awesome caterpillar, sleeking away like a super fly ninja.

And I guess I didn't see the 'End of Road' sign because I fell of the bed soon after, my face eating the floor.

Oh, how delicious (!) I love the taste of carpet in morning… at least I think it's the morning.

Anyway!

Back to my crawling.

I had managed to get far enough…

At least it seemed pretty far to me. That was until I felt a hand grip my ankle.

Uh-oh…

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_**(A/N)**_

_Mwahahaha!!!!!! One of you guys said in the replies that I was getting too serious! Ha!! Let's see how serious I am when I present…_

_This chapter!!!_

_And the next!!!_

_Suck on that! Ha-ha. Lol, anyway, how did I do? Was it alright? And I haven't been able to maintain contact with Quia (which is really depressing for me). I miss her…_

_Anyway!! Please review, and I love you guys a whole lot. _

_Ah ma Gawd, we got past 100 reviews!!! THANK YOU ALL!!! LOVE!!! _

_Like, I love you this much!_

_*Spreads arms as widely as humanly possible*_

_Hang on. I'm not done yet._

_And now, times that distance between my arms by… oh lets say. Five hundred and eighty seven :)_

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**Review Pretty Please!!**


	18. Unleash The Women!

**Unleash The Women!!**

Holy shit… this was sooo not what I was expecting.

The hand at my ankle gripped me tightly, but not so much that it hurt.

And as I stared with fear in my eyes, Itachi simply grinned at me.

Oh but it wasn't like one of those smiling grins.

Heh.

Fuck no.

It was one of those 'I went through ten hours of walking in a pink dress, make up and painful heels with your ass swinging invitingly in my face… and like a messenger from Hell, I have come to deliver'.

Yeah.

One of those looks.

And to make it even better, the cosmetics that was on his face had been wiped away, finally revealing how ambitious and lustful his eyes were. Weasel's kimono was slightly loose, giving me a nice peek at his handsomely-built chest and while I gawked, he advanced on me, I myself cowering beneath his shadow and body.

And what was worse was that everything that was happening… simply…

Turned me on.

And it felt GREAT!

And absolutely terrifying at the same bloody time!!

I mean, sure. He was definitely yummy. Like, so damn scrumptious that it put… I don't know, Jamie Oliver or that Ramsay Gordon dude to friggin shame! (And I mean their cooking skills, not their looks).

But that was how delicious he was.

And bloody hell… only Itachi could make pink look so manly.

Well, a pink kimono actually.

(With little sakura petals on it too)

"Itachi…?" I whimpered lightly, resting my figure entirely on the carpet beneath my weight, Mop Head on top, his mass crushing me. In a very nice way…

And then he ground his power against my flesh, making me finally notice that his leg was in between my own.

Oh shizzle, that felt really gooooood!!

And as he rested his nose and inhaled my hair, I sort of got this odd sensation and felt my face heat like a volcanic eruption as he confessed, "I've always loved the way you smell".

He breathed in again. Stronger this time. And I was stone cold frozen at that moment. He liked my smell??? What the fudge??

"Mmm… that time we collapsed at the Lair… and when you tended to my illness… its so sweet and smooth… what is it?"

Okay, this sooo wasn't like the Itachi I saw on Youtube. The one who looked so appetizingly bad ass. Jeezus!! The cold-hearted, emotionless, powerful Uchiha was asking about my aroma for fuck's sake!!

"What is it about this smell…?"

Definitely not like the Itachi I saw on Naruto.

But he was good enough!!

And I stammered an answer, "I-I-I-I… I-I-It's the soap and shampoo I use…"

"Mmm" he sighed, his hot pant brushing my skin, sending shivers through my body which resulted in Weasle smiling smugly at my reaction to him.

"Vanilla" my voice gasped.

And I squealed lightly when he suckled at my neck.

Oooohh shit.

I _definitely_ wasn't expecting that.

And I certainly wasn't expecting it to feel so good.

The touch of his warm lips against my sensitive skin, his heated tongue lapping at my flesh and his hands weaving his magic on his path up my sides and slightly halting at my waist.

Oooh…

This was so wrong.

Yet so heavenly.

"There's something else too." he murmured through my neck during an inhale, accidentally taking a nibble at me amid his speech.

"Ah" I sighed subconsciously, which made me finally notice the… embarrassing bulge grow, which was leaning against me.

Oh God, this is so weird.

And to make it weirder, I wanted more!

But my innocence wasn't ready to co-operate.

Yet the bitch was smothered to the dark, dark corners of my mind when Itachi's lips impatiently captured mine into a passionate demonstration of aching lust.

The cold of my haori sliding down and revealing my more vulnerable flesh made me blush deeply, my mind wondering how the Uchiha could be so comfortable around me, especially when his kimono now looked only like a pretty, rose and feminine hakama.

(Note: Google 'haori' and 'hakama'. He-he, you'll understand everything perfectly when you see the images! Ha-ha, wink-wink. Lol, it's nothing perverted… at least I don't think so)

Anyway.

…

Well.

You know what?

I said – fuck it!

I wrapped my arms around Mop Head and with my hands locking at the back of his neck; I returned the kiss he fed me just as intensely, while he held my body even closer to his own.

Oh this was beautiful.

I slipped my tongue between his manoeuvring lips and we danced through our intimate contact, our sounds smacking in the air and my hands exploring his lovely hair which became ridiculously dishevelled.

Yet what was weird was the fact that if I hadn't suddenly gained my courage, I would have never, ever thought of doing this with Itachi. Or any other man, to think about it.

Because I've always considered tongue to be really feral.

The slippery things… eugck! I mean, all we've consumed and…

Yeah and good luck trying to figure out how that 'eugck' sound, is pronounced in real life!

But now that I was daring and brave enough to try it out, I had realised just how… oddly nice it was.

Our contact was powerful and loving and so strong it nearly made me burn. Our temperatures rising and continuous sighs leaving my mouth, his mass naughtily pressurising me entirely and his sneaky eyes glistening at my face, I could only imagine what he was thinking as he licked a trail along my jaw line to my collar.

Ohhh.

Itachi… you really are such a… I don't know… but you are something, I guarantee you that.

Words were meaningless, but I got fed up.

He was doing all the work, and the awareness of vulnerability didn't sit well with me.

So with all my might, I pushed him off me and found our positions reversed, him cowering beneath my figure as I straddled him.

Oh this sensation of power…

I loved it.

I smiled lusciously at him and he tried to sit up to return us back to a kiss.

But I wanted to be in control.

Yeah, I'm evil that way.

My hands shot to his wrists and I pinned them on either side of his face, Itachi looking up at me with surprise evident in his stare, looking so much like a sacrifice before his aphrodisiac goddess of exotic beauty.

Ha-ha… I'm such a bitch.

And then I-

Knock, knock. Click. Enter!

"Room Service-"

…

…

…

…

"AHHHHH!!!!!!"

* * *

"Shit Two calling in Shit One, come in Shit One" a voice called through radioed static.

"Shit One responding, Shit Two. What's the analysis?" I replied, mimicking the awesome tone of something between Mission Impossible and S.W.A.T.

"My analysis is that we should've killed the kid"

"Quia!!! …Oops, I mean… Shit TWO!!!"

"What?! I mean, first the brat intrudes on you and your man's session, then stops and stares, and then DARES to ask if he could join!! I swear, I should've kicked his ass all the way to Jupiter"

"Why not Uranus?"

"Even better"

"I would've helped." a different voice said, sounding just like Mop Head.

"Tweedle Dee, shut up. This is a conversation between us women."

"Not to our ears" Kisame said.

"Tweedle Dum, you better shut your mouth too before I make you."

"Just try it" Tweedle Dum said, "Try it and see what I do".

"Oh muthafucka, you just signed your death warran-"

"Shh!" I hissed, "Both of you be quiet."

"I've located the scroll. But we'll need a distraction"

Quia and I stared at each other, noticing that we had never really gone a fair distance away from each other for the chatty thing. But hey, now that we were an arms reach away, we decided, y'know… Stuff it. Let's be the diversion.

Yet what I wasn't expecting was the bitch to slap me across the face.

Rather hard too.

And it stung like a mother-fucker.

"Ahhh! What the fruit?!! What was that for????!!!!!" I yelled, nursing my cheek but not noticing that our 'keep-the-people-distracted' phase was now in play.

"I saw you look at her!!" Quia screamed, pointing at probably the most… old lady there was in the crowd.

"What the fuck?!"

"Yeah that's right, I saw you. You love her don't you?!"

"But I love you, you stupid idiot!! That's why we came here!!"

"Oh my God" she cried, expertly faking tears, "It's all your fault. You're the reason I have stretch marks!"

Wow. She was really caught up in the act.

So I might as well get 'caught up' too!

"For fuck's sake, woman! Do you think I care about that?! Hey, it's either you were small and got big, or you was big and got small!! Either way, I'm fucking!! Either way, I am _fucking_"

And tears rolled and she had her PMS moment, crying, "But you stuffed up my self esteem".

"Bitch, it's called 'self esteem'!!!!!" I roared madly at her, "Its esteem of your mother-fucken self, bitch. How the fuck can I fuck up how you feel about yo-o-o-o-u, simple bitch"

Ha-ha, this was fun. But the last couple come-backs I stole from Katt Williams. So not my words, but I wish it was.

Anyway.

What I had finally noticed was the fact that the entire crowd, the male side, was cheering madly for me. But the women were either glaring death or simply thinking, 'hey that guy has a point'.

But one look at Quia and I knew she did not know what to say at that.

So I needed to do something…

'_Now is a better time than ever' _Ryu said.

Whuh??

'_Concentrate on your heart beat, Elle. And when I say 'now'…'_

Okay I get it.

Breath.

Concentrate.

Heartbeat.

…

B-bump.

…

B-bump.

…

B-bump.

…

B-bump.

…

Ba-thump.

Ba-thump.

Ba-thump.

'_Now'_.

And then, whoosh!

I had no idea at what was happening. But for some odd reason, staring at five different people, I was aware that I couldn't exactly see their faces, but instead their little vein thingies in their bodies.

Woah!

'_Now they're in your control'_

They're in my what?!

(…Oh that sounded so wrong…)

'_You can control them now_… _those veins that you see are their chakra pathways. You can control them, thus controlling their bodies.' _

…

…

…

Awesome!

And with the new ability in my mind, I forced the five to stand smartly, three tall ones at the back, two in the middle and the smallest at the front.

And like an awesome maestro guy who stands in front of the orchestra and waves his hand through the air, I took a stick I had found on the ground and then made them…

SING!!

And together, they began…

"_Whenever life gets you down,_

_Keeps you wearing a frown,_

_And the gravy train has left you beh-i-i-i-i-i-ind._

_And when you're all out of hope,_

_Down at the end of your rope,_

_And nobody's there to throw you a l-i-i-i-i-i-ne"_

Ha-ha, this is just the beginning… Just wait till I actually get started. And honestly, this controlling thing wasn't so hard, and the people I was controlling like puppets had cool singing voices. Oh yeah, actually try to read the lyrics, because they get better.

"_If you ever get so low,_

_That you don't know which way to go,_

_Come on and take a walk in my sho-o-o-oes._

_Never worry 'bout a thing,_

_Got the world on a string,_

_Coz I have the cure for all of my blu-u-u-ues (all of his blues)"_

And to pause for effect… only a few males giggled before they dramatically chorused.

"_I take a look at my ENORMOUS PENIS!!_

_And my troubles start a'meltin' away. _

_I take a look at my ENORMOUS PENIS!!_

_And my happy times are comin' to stay"_

Ha-ha-ha!! Oh god, I couldn't resist the laughter. And neither could Quia!!! Ahahaha!! Oh my god, this is an awesome song. Check Youtube, type in 'Bob and Tom' then 'Enormous' and the site will take care of everything. Then you can check out the videos but I suggest the 'Ouran AMV'. So cool and hilarious, especially for those who have actually seen the anime. Oh yeah, continue reading the lyrics, they get better!!

"_I gotta sing and a'dance,_

_When I glance in my pants,_

_And it's a'feelin' like a sun, shiny da-a-a-ay._

_I take a look at my enormous p-e-e-enis,_

_And a'everything is goin' my way"_

Ha-ha, I love this song.

And while they started their little whistling and rambling solo, I had finally noticed who my singing candidates were.

Back row was Suigetsu, Juugo and Sasuke. Middle row was Naruto and Sai. And the one in the front was a little kid. I don't know what the hell he was doing here… But none the less, I think Sai was the leader singer as I controlled him to go,

"_Sing along at home, why don't you? Two, three- I take a look at my enormous Pen-i-i-is!"_

_"It's not that hard" Naruto laughed._

_"And my troubles start a'meltin away- Just Juugo and Sasuke now"_

_"I take a look at my enormous penis" the two sang. Then together the group continued "And my happy times are comin' to stay"_

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! This was too good. You guys should totally listen to the song while you're reading this!!! Ha-ha-ha!!!

"_Yeah, I got great big amounts,_

_In the place where it counts,_

_And it's a'feel__in like a sun, shiny da-a-a-ay._

_I take a look at my enormous pe-e-e-enis,_

_And a'everything is goin' my way."_

Now working to the end…

"_Everythin' is going my way" (Hey look at these goobers)_

"_Everythin' is going my way" (Ai-chee-waa-waa)_

"_Ev-ry-thing is goin' my w-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-y"_

_(Dum da dum dum, yuuuuuum!) _

And then at the end of the song after a few laughs and the crowd just plain petrified, plop, they dropped unconscious to the ground and that left Quia and I to run away.

The scroll had already been captured three minutes ago.

We had successfully taken one scroll, and in its place…

A strategically placed…

Roll of toilet paper!

Mwahahaha!!

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_**(A/N)**_

_HAHAHAHA!! How was that?! Did you guys like it?! Please review, and I have loved hearing your comments. I love you guys soooo much :)_

_For you guys!!! I dedicate this to you!!!_

_*Song – Bob and Tom: Enormous Penis!! Check it out, so funny. _

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**Review Some More Pretty Please**


	19. Talk About Drama

**Talk About Drama**

"Whoo! High five! Wow that was good!!" Quia grinned happily, holding her hand in the air.

And I completed the five, making a smack, both of us laughing madly at our previous predicament.

"Oh my God, did you see them? Ha-ha-ha that was so hilarious! 'I take a look at my enormous penis'. Oooohhh, it never gets old" Shit Two hooted madly, wiping a stray tear from her eye.

"Ha-ha, nah shit Sherlock, of course I saw them! That was soooo awesome!!"

"But it was weird, 'ey? Duck Butt was there, along with his posse."

"Posse?" I asked.

"Group" she clarified through sniffles.

"Then why not just say 'group'?"

"I wanted to sound smart"

"Smart doesn't look good on you" I teased with a wink.

"Well smart doesn't look good on you either" she said, sticking her tongue at me.

"Keep that thing in your mouth before I bite it off." I warned, watching as she quickly complied. And then I continued, "And plus. I look sexy in 'smart'. Don't hate me, coz you ain't me"

"Pfft, please. You're preaching to your damn self"

I stuck my hand at her face. And I said, "Talk to the hand, honey, coz you ain't worthy of the face"

"An ugly face" she said, a smug expression on her face as I shot her a glare.

"Nah, your face is ugly"

"Nah, you have an ugly face!"

"You have a face only a mother can love" I retaliated, suppressing the giggle at the back of my throat.

And when she shot to her feet, she threatened, "You wanna fight, Vegemite??"

Then I countered "Bring it on, Tampon" taking a stand as well.

And just when fists were about to fly – and obviously not in a violent way, I mean please, do we seem like that of people??

Hang on… don't answer that.

But anyway, at that moment, a worker dude had decided to waltz through the door.

And you know what?? What the hell was up with these people, didn't they know the concept of knocking?!

Shit, we had to think fast. We were still on a mission, damn it!

So us being the couple we were, jumped into an affectionate hug, just to convince the man that we were here to celebrate our McLovin'.

I wrapped an arm around the back of her waist and like those awesome tango moves in dance films, I dipped her like a cookie in milk all the while as she placed a hand at the back of my neck. You know, like in a dance when you dip the girl and you're supposed to hold her there.

"Oof! Damn Quia, I'm gonna drop you" huffing the words silently under my breath.

"Drop me, and I'ma _drop_ you" she whispered back in a venomous tone.

I took her word for it.

But either fat or muscle mass, she was heavy! Oops, sorry Quia. But you already know that I can be a bit too blunt with my words.

…But would you still love me if I wasn't like that??

Anyway, thank the Holy Mother of Lentil Soup. Itachi walked through only a few seconds after the guy had and shooed the fella out before something could happen.

So unlatching ourselves, we were about to thank the guy. But then we saw his face.

In his girly glory of pink and preposterous make up.

So please, if you may, allow us this fickle moment to laugh at how ridiculous his get up was. And pick up from where we left off at the Lair.

"Hahahahahahahahahaha!"

Okay, I'm good.

…Not!

"Heeeeeheheahahaha!!! Itachi you look so stupid" I teased, going over board with my laughter.

"Ha-ha-ha-ha, oh my God, look at your clothes! Look at your hair" Shit Two sputtered.

"His hair looks even better than yours!" I beamed.

And Quia interrupted through giggles, "Dude, it looks like High School Musical took a shit up on your face!"

We continued to take a piss out of him. Then he glared hate at us, and all I could say was, "Sorry Bubs, but she's got a point."

He huffed like he was gonna crack and moving away to leave, he growled over a shoulder "Meet Kisame and I at the Fireworks Festival at eight. Sharp!"

And then. Slam!

Damn. He could've broken the door if he'd wanted to.

"…"

"…?"

"Is your man on PMS or something?" Quia asked.

"Iunno. Beats me. I'm not even sure men can even do that though".

We paused, letting our imaginations soar.

And after a fair few seconds we made sickened expressions while our skins paled at the scary thought…

That was just down right nasty.

Lets change the subject before someone loses their lunch.

-

"What took you so long?" Blue Boy said in an annoyed tone.

"Oh shut up" I mumbled.

"Yeah. You can't rush perfection" Shit Two said, doing a tired, lazy pose, acting like she was 'all that'.

"Honey, stop acting stuck up before I deport your ass"

"Sorry"

"Anyway, what's up? I wanted to sleep in tody." I whined, my eyes already about to close.

Oh yeah, that's another thing about me and Quia. We can be hyper and funny and hilarious and absolutely awesome in the anytime in the day and/or night… but we need our sleep or else we'll just die from utter exhaustion.

We need about… a minimum of ten hours. Give or take.

Yeah. Stuff you guys and your judgement – if you have any. We ladies need our beauty rest. So bleh! Suck on them apples.

"There were two scrolls. We've collected one" Itachi stated in his usual, cold, I-could-kill-you-with-my-voice like tone. Jeez, remind me why I like him…

"_You like him because he's 'hot' – as you say, smart, intelligent, strong, good kisser and everything about him you love"_ Ryu answered,_ "And this is all in your mind. I should be asking you why you even have feelings for the cold bastard anyway…"_

"_Hm… you know what sweetie? Why don't you go into the dark empty corners of my mind and help yourself to a nice big bowl of shut up!" _

Ha-ha, I'm sorry, I'm so mean. But you know I love you.

"Yeah, and the other scroll hidden somewhere. So we need to find it while everyone is distracted by the festival".

"Well good luck. C'mon Elle, let's go back and sleep" Papa said, taking my hand and I simply complied, walking alongside my friend. And she continued to ramble mindlessly, but at the word sleep I was all for her view of things.

I was tired and controlling people really took a lot out of me.

"_I'm not surprised. After all. You had managed to maintain and manage five bodies without the proper training, how could you not be exhausted?_" Ryu uttered in his usual… strangely sensual, dragon voice.

"Mmm" I groaned, not really into the 'digging-for-more-info-on-what-he-meant' till I got my rest.

"_Yeah… I'll be asking you more about this stuff later. We'll have my people talk to your people__, after I sleep"_ I mumbled to him, feeling and sounding professional.

"_But we don't have people who do the talking…"_

"_Meh. We do now"_

"_Why?"_

"_Iunno. It's fun, free and because I say so. And shouldn't you be in a corner right now?"_

And we left it at that.

Hm. I'm hungry.

But anyway. Ignoring my craving for something deep fried and smothered in milk chocolate…

It took me a while to realise that I had just been hoisted upon a shoulder.

A friggin rock solid shoulder that seemed as if I was balanced on the edge of a cliff!

So don't blame me as I find my self too weak to scream bloody murder.

But hey, that's just me speaking.

Quia on the other hand…

"Oi you stupid, lizard skinned, blending, skin changing, lunatic bastard! Put me down before I rip out your mouth and shove it up yo ass!"

Hm. Apparently Shit Two was occupying the other shoulder.

"Hn. Go ahead, see if I care" Kisame taunted, jolting the irritated female.

"Ohh don't test her, she will do it if she has to. You should've seen what she said to Derek the last time he tried to pull the moves on me" I commented, letting out a yawn.

"Mm-hmm, damn fuckin' right. Said I was gonna tear out his eyelids with my toes if he ever put a hand on you" she smugly stated, whacking our seven foot tall… friend. At the back of his head.

"Well when we go back you can do just that. I encountered him when I was…"

I finally noticed that Quia, Itachi and even Kisame were silent.

"Ooohh, I still haven't told you where I disappeared off to, didn't I?"

"Yeah you failed to mention that, buttmunch"

"Who is this Derek?" Weasel asked with a tinge of malice in his tone.

"Her ex" Quia answered. Itachi growled. I just didn't notice the sound.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Complete asshole, if I do say so myself. But I admit, he is one fine piece of ass. He's handsome, easy on the eyes and good at sports. But that's all just a freaky façade. Underneath that bullshit… oh, I don't even wanna think about the jerk"

"You know the way you say it, you make it sound like all men are evil like Derek" I said to her, searching for the strength to remain awake. Just for a while longer. I was enjoying this talk for some reason.

"Coz you know, not all guys are like him" I uttered, aiming the comment at the 'pretty lady in pink' walking beside Mr Muscles as he held us two on his shoulders.

"I'm not saying all men are, but you have to admit that there are lots of man whores out there in this universe"

"Yeah, but you have to admit that there are lots of just plain whores out there as well. But there are also lots of nice people too"

"Hm true. But still, nonetheless, Derek is a jackass. I mean, I even feel sorry for those idiots he calls friends. And oh my God, do you remember his other girlfriend??"

"Yeah. She's really stupid and is super annoying."

"Oh Lord, do you remember that one time at school??"

"Hell yeah" I said, recalling the events in complete detail.

"What happened?" Kisame said after a long period of silence.

"Can I tell this one?" Quia asked me.

"The floor is yours" I said graciously.

"Coolies. Well, to answer you B.B, what happened was one of our cool friends had a crush on the dumb chick. And she had a crush on him. Too bad she was with Derek. Anyway, Derek figures it out and places the pieces together and bam. There's a fight at school. Yeah, the fight was alright since it was probably the only entertainment we'd get out of class, but the shitty thing was that Princess Dumbshit didn't do jack to help out either her so called boyfriend or the man she potentially liked."

"Hm" Itachi hummed, letting us know that we also had his attention.

"Yeah, 'hm' is right. But noooo, while Derek the cunt-face dishonourably beat up my best friend – no offence Elle, you know you're my number one."

"Naaww, thanks Quia" I smiled as she scratched my chin like I was her pet. And I played along.

Then she continued seriously, "But however, while it was my bud against six penis-less fuckers, all the girl did was say" and in a higher, more taunting girly tone, Papa squealed, "'oh stop it Derek, don't hurt him, please stop, no don't punch him, don't this, don't that'."

Ugh, I inwardly groaned. Because all that Quia was saying was actually the hard, cold truth.

We didn't respond, waiting for her to continue.

"I mean seriously! Here she was, squealing like a bitch and telling her boyfriend – who she DIDN'T like – to stop beating up the man – who she DID like – and knowing fully well that Derek didn't stop, she continued spouting the same damsel in distress bullshit!"

"Well y'know… she is a girl…" Kisame said, looking around and still acting like he was searching for the scroll.

"So?! That girl was a pussy and that bitch didn't deserve my best friend! All she did was scream and whine while watching Derek send punch after punch"

"But she's a chick. Chicks don't usually jump into fights" Kisame defended, but we could tell he was a bit pissed off at the girl.

"Fuck you and your sexism shit!" Quia swore, "I know I told you about our 'Village Earth' but I know, and I'm sure Elle will back me up when I say that if the guy I loved was in a dangerous situation, I would've stood by his side within a heartbeat because I know he'd do the same for me."

"She has a point." I interrupted, "And she would do that. Even if we're girls, and even though there are differences between Earth girls and ninja girls, some of us ladies are protective of the ones we love, whether family, friends or… people who are something more. But remember… I said 'some'."

"B-but still…" Kisame stumbled.

"Ugh!!" Quia roared in irritation. "God damn it! Okay, Sir Shit for Brains! Lemme give you an example. Itachi, Elle. You're my example. Itachi, if you saw Elle getting beaten up and out numbered by a bunch of shameful ruffians, would you go in there and rescue her and beat the shit out of them fuckers?"

There was a pause. And I stared at him.

Would he? For someone… like me?

"Now be honest" Shit Two forced.

And with a gulp, he said "Yes". But refrained from saying that he wouldn't beat them up. He'd fucking kill the bastards.

"And Elle? How bout you?"

I stared at Itachi, and we shared our eye contact for a long time before I answered "Yes".

I mean, fuck yeah! I lo… lo… lov…

Okay.

I really loved Itachi.

And I know he probably wouldn't need me for rescuing, but I'd still be with him. Till the stupid end.

"See, shithead?!" Quia directed at the dawning shark on legs, "We girls-"

"Found the scroll" Kisame interrupted.

"Ey! Don't change the subject!"

"Ooh, where??" I asked, ignoring Quia's protests. Ha-ha, it's amusing as to how easily we can disregard the girl.

"Up there."

And where he pointed, we stared with amusement at the fact that these stupid people were willing to put an obviously awesome scroll, out in the friggin open! Which was on top of a big building.

A really… big building.

Dude… Eiffel Tower, eat your heart out. Seriously, it looked just like it. Just with a more… ninja taste added to the equation.

"Who's gonna get it?" Papa wondered, staring up at the tower.

"Ooh! I will!" I smiled, waving my hand in the air like I was asking my teachers for permission to go first in Show and Tell.

Everyone paused.

"What?"

"Elle. You don't even know what or how to get there"

"Sure I do, I've got it all figured out."

"Oh? Well then fearless leader, please do share with us your philosophy"

"Can you see?? The scroll is way up there! Right on top of the tower"

"Yeah…? How you gonna get it?"

"Kisame can throw me" I said like I was discussing about the weather.

"…"

"WHAT?!" Itachi roared.

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_**(A/N)**_

_Mwahahaha! How do you like them apples??_

_Thanks guys for the reviews. It keeps me happy and takes my mind off my missing Quia._

_Uguu. (Cry)_

_Oh well, we've been meeting up though so that's awesome! And what sucks is that where she lives everyone's stuck up and snobby. Poor Quia, she's trying to make friends but those bitches won't give her a chance._

_Grr._

_Oh and to riia luvs anime – yeah I was just plain lazy. So gimme yo best mental slap! I promise you I will return the favour tenfold! Mwahahaa!! Lol, only joking._

_Sorry for any mistakes. I was in a hurry. And I'm sorry if it's not funny._

_Also check out the poll on my profile._


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